lost

so i finally figured out why all of austin's posts disappeared. i had the wrong link. fixed at left...and word of warning, when he finally started up again, he REALLY started up again (you thought gone gone gone was long...)

either way, he's got a cute family :) i've been invited to his house twice already for thanksgiving (or 'any time' from his mom...um...that's in no way any kind of joke. i'm serious). and i missed it once to see my family, and another time 'cause i had no money so i got adopted by the faehnles and sparlings for a weekend. good stuff :)

today was very....surreal. i woke up kind of on time...but this was after last night i tried to get drunk and get to sleep at a decent hour. that turned into me getting drunk and talking online for like...two hours and finally getting to bed after 5:30 i think. nightmare on elm street 5 didn't do much for making me more tired :) (i'd actually never seen it before, i was happily surprised). really dumb. i have all this shit to do...and i check blogs, talk on IM, and....then repeat it. now i could either get drunk again and go to sleep...do one of those psets looming over my head...study more for data structures...or blog more.

oooh, they turned the heat on.

to keep myself from rambling, i'll focus on something i've been meaning to blog about....or more just deciding whether or not i should. you may or may not have heard about this mystery girl named krischelle (who's supposed to look the other way right now ;) who posts here under 'milked' and who i've dubbed 'crackerjack.' the short version...she's a friend of tricia's and i met her twice when she was completely trashed (the second time i met her she thought i was eric....grrr). there's an intermediate step in there which someone might not like me saying so i'll leave it out, but eventually she and i kinda hit it off....i was getting good vibes all around (from her friends too...which i usually think of as a really good sign) and stayed over her place one night (very tame, you know me....).....

and then she disappeared. we both got really busy, granted, but it very quickly seemed like i'd done something wrong. she made it well known that she was really busy so i gave her her space, tried not to push too much, tried to 'take a hint'...i was really busy too so it wasn't hard. for some reason i was really comfortable not pushing it...very unlike me. i hate things lingering when i feel like there're things both i and the other party want to say...but i was fine with it. more on that later. either way, she eventually came out of her little hole and started talking to me again and i feel like she really only wants to be friends. which again, i'm fine with *shrugs* weirdness...hah.

it's not really that i've been itching to tell this story...but it's been getting in the way of a lot of things i've been thinking about that i couldn't fully explain without mentioning it. perhaps i made a bad assumption and a bad decision in blogging this, but whatever, it'll be done in a few minutes and there will be nothing...alright i could always delete it but i've never done it yet and i won't start yet. it was a new feeling for me to be very casual about a girl. the last girl i was with was too soon after candace and i just got completely overwhelmed by all the horrible feelings still fresh in my mind that i freaked out and bailed on a really nice girl. never really gave her a chance. this was a small piece of all that 'change in my life' bantar i was preaching a few posts ago. hmm...trying to make coherent thoughts here....i dunno. i guess i'm just a lot more comfortable with life now. women have always been the one thing to REALLY bother me....and i came into this year wondering if i should try not to take it so seriously and just enjoy my last year in college. not to say i wanted to slut it out, i just mean like....if it's there it's there, if not, ehhh, don't think it's the end of the world. just be the laid back hawaiian i am in the rest of m life 'cause that treats me very well.

and hey, looks like i got a friend out of it. in the end, i really like you crackerjack; i'll take you any way i can get you ;)

this is if i haven't burned that bridge by doing this...hope you understand. got the feeling you didn't wanna be the first to say something so i thought i'd just throw it all out there...like i do with the rest of my life....you know how to reach me personally if you wanna talk about it. UNLESS you wanna turn my blog into like a reality blob! haha. ever seen newlyweds? jesus christ....i want to rip her eyes out.

as liu would say, i am the king of the cockblock *bows profusely*

what's wrong with me.




but you're jess!