sensitize

was talkin' to a friend today, responding to the first 'comment' i've had on this blog in years methinks, and she (the muppet, for those lucky enough to know 'er) mentioned how she always had much more meaningful relationships with people in the blogosphere...before facebook and myspace and ....whatever else there was.

and she was right.

i avoided myspace forever because i'd look my friends' pages and all i'd see were a list of movies, a list of books, a list of music and that nebulous space that usually said simply, "it's complicated"...all in an attempt to quickly define a person like a movie preview.

and then there'd be one post saying "heeeeey, here's my myspace" followed by 2 years of conversations with people saying "i just wanted to say hi....hi!" or "it was good to see you last night!" i never really understood the meaning of those posts. i never understood why it was so viral. they were things i'd much rather say in person, or if not in person then by phone, or not by phone maybe a text message, or if nto by a text message maybe an email....or just showing the person i was happy to see them by asking to see them again. and things like myspace turned it into a broadcast saying, "hey look! i have friends!"

and before you get into it yes, i have a facebook now. i finally got one a few weeks before i made the trip to the east coast, trying to find some people i haven't seen since graduation FIVE YEARS AGO! i couldnt' believe it'd been that long, have gone through many cell phones and a few email addresses myself. and i must say, facebook produced wonderfully and i found all my friends.

and i got hooked telling people shit like "i spilled coffee on my crotch this morning"...like they'd actually care. wondering what quick little quips i could produce to advertise my worth, taking up your time to read three lines of gibberish. and then there're those days when i just write and write....and the damn thing tells me i can't write that much and i have to cut it ddown to some socially accepted wordcount like, WAIT FOR IT, i'm posting a fucking want ad in a newspaper.

and then of course i think back to the day (which is becoming much like tonight) while i wait for the latest episode of "heroes" to download...writing PAGES on this here blog...spewing my mind in all it's glory, slapping it on INFINITE fucking scroll to be displayed for a short time before being archived for an eternity, perchance to be discovered by a future friend who still knows what a blog is. (pop quiz, hotshot, where does the term "blog" come from? no wikipedia!)

and i love it. "hereos" is done downloading and i can't wait to see if hiro can save charlie, or if peter can save hiro, or if noah can save the creepy awkward teenager...and this is worth more. just like back in collee where it was worth those few moments before going to sleep to actually THINK about my life a little and clarify it enough to put it here. my blog...my infinite blog. my failed panopticon. my testament to the changes i've gone through.

and i had a wonderful conversation sparked by an insightful comment from an old friend.

those conversations are better than spilled coffee. and i look forward to more...(stay tuned)

inadequate.

how long will it continue?

lines

where are the lines when you break up with someone? when do you stop trying to explain. when do you swallow those lose ends and keep them to yourself for the sake of...i dunno...closure? simplicity? clairty? progress?

inevitably always "so many things left unsaid"...

time to think solo helps to distill these loose ends. focus them. amidst common friends, activities and venues, however, solo time may be hard to find. the feelings don't fade quickly when they're constantly reawakened.

unfocused.

inadequate

feeling that way again in my life. maybe it has to do with hearing a second person i care dearly about tell me i may live out my life alone. i entertained the idea after the first time i was told that, years ago, and agreed in the "may" part. but there's definitely a hope that i won't. what i did realize is that i can't force certain things about me. and for years now...i've had an empty feeling where i think my heart used to be. and it hasn't been filled yet.

given nearly everything logically corresponding to what i want in a girl, i couldn't feel the way she did about me. showered in caring, generosity and love, my heart followed so slowly in the distance, dragging behind through heavy sand.

she thought she was, but i think i'm the one that's broken.

anger issues?

i sometime wonder if i have anger issues...on my way home tonight in the (narrow) roads of kaimuki, a cab is coming towards me. it's one of those streets where there're cars parked on the opposite side of the street with room for only one car (giving my direction the right of way). i see a cab up the street and tell jay, fuckin' cabs (expecting him to be an ass hole).

sure enough, with at least 3 opportunities between he and i for him to move between cars and let me by (again, right of way), he continues towards me at a brisk speed...just to make a point i continue towards him and stop giving him ONLY enough room to make it around a parked car and past me. as he goes by he calls me a dick.

my first thought was to slam into reverse and block him in on the next parked car and bitch him out.

second thought was to just follow him and wait for an opportunity (i.e. stoplight) to bitch him out.

third thought was to take his plate and company and file a complaint.

fourth thought was to follow him and slash his tires at the next stop.

i don't know why...it should mean nothing to me and i should just be laughing it off that there're are assholes in the world, but another part of me knows that that jackhole will continue on with his life thinking he somehow won a bit of pride by calling me a dick when he drives a cab for a living and knows neither traffic rules nor common decency in hawaii (which is different driving experience than the rest of the world i've found). and while he'll go on pissin' off people for the rest of his life, i'll probably never see him again.

but i still wish bad things on his soul.

and wish i could instigate those bad things.

i often find myself thinking back to a quote from ras al ghul in batman begins:
"Criminals thrive on the indulgence of society's understanding"

would society understand my vengeance?

doubtful.