Burn it Off

my self-inflicted panopticon failed.



as i said in...one of my other blogs...wanna start blogging more. i always say that, and i'll try just as hard, and i'm not gonna kick myself if it doesn't happen :)

either way...life is so much different than the last few times i've blogged. january! wow. seems like just a few days before christie came back from the mainland...interesting. could argue that being happy keeps me out of the blogosphere :)

eeeeiither way. so much has happened since then. her being the biggest of them. i passed my qualifying exam. traveled to vegas, home for two weeks, then gone for three to PA, NYC, Toronto/Ferugs, DC, LA...wow. that trip drained me by the end. it was odd coming back home into so much work (PVSC submissions and attendence) that it took me like two weeks to get settled in again. hell it's been nearly a month now and i still feel like there's so much i have to do to get my life cleaned up. finances, house chores, car chores, registration, insurance, bills...ugh. every couple of days i try and knock a big one off. this apst weekend was the plumber. hope he can convince tom to get the sink fixed but estimated $500...dunno if they'll go for that. already dumped around $60 worth of drano down it...bleah. did fix the toilet though...ants are eating the glue i used to re-stick the linoleum tiles...weird lil fuckres (after eating a channel through the lid of a tupperware...seriously?)

i miss this type of "reporting" vs. facebook with all it's limits and bullshit. albeit more publicized....this is more genuine. not just the best one-liner i can come up with while procrastinating work. and hell....i can procrastinate work ten times longer blogging...



my way

started a new blog about red wine...figure i'd like to hear myself talk about it and hope you do too!

"my way"...new song on my karaoke list :) sinatra's never had a place on it before but i'm trying to diversify. and i think it's hilarious using it as a segue to foo fighters or system of a down :) scares people. fun.

either way, was thinking tonight about how i always enjoy doing things on my own. i'm a mild mechanic. i fix my own surfboards. can do plumbing and electrician's work. want to build things instead of buy them...half the time it has nothing to do with money. can only surmise (i don't know for sure yet) that it has most to do with pride, haha. because i can, i should? i dunno. that and my time isn't at all valuable these days (at least monetarily). i can. so i do.

spent the last 3 days fixing 4 surfboards. doesn't sound as bad as it is..i'm home so little it takes forever and i'm pretty sure my catalyst has been sitting so long it's decomposed a little because all the mix ratios i thought i knew are way fuckin' off. kept letting them sit overnight to cure (the first batch didn't cure at all, had to wipe it.....what a mess!). but yeah..."3 days" means like...20mins-2hrs a day. depending on the job (sanding is a bitch...and for yet another odd reason i refuse to use power tools...). the time between is resin curing. either way, bought all new resin 'cause my last batches spoiled already...few new tools. for the same amount i could probbably have gotten them all fixed. but with these i can fix 100 dings.

and at the end of one of those projects, i feel good about my time. i feel good about using my skill and my tools and my materials to do what needed to be done. maybe one day i'll be making a crapton of money and not have time for this shit. but then again maybe at that point i'll have no time for surfing.

or fixing my car.

or fixing my house (rental...i could just call a plumber).

does my life need fixing too? can i buy that at city mill?

maybe i'll always need time to do these menial jobs. because i feel good after them. sit back and suck on my beer and smile, admiring my work. proud that i can do so many things by myself. often wonder if i could've had a happy life being a car mechanic. maybe...maybe not. maybe when i'm 40 : ) although i do think when i wanna drop out of the real world i'll buy a pub instead.

feel better doing crazy things like make solar cells though : ) "i make solar cells". i'm still so proud of that. no i don't install them. no i don't sell them. no i don't test them. if you'd told me 4 years ago that i'd be making solar cells now, i wouldnt've believed you. didn't even know how they worked :) craziness.

*did it my way*


fucking fall

fall is turning into a fuckin' nonstop party man...last year was pretty bad but this year is HORRIBLE! every fuckin' weekend since (i can't even remember) sometime before halloween...and since then it's been every weekend:

shugga poker fundraiser
maui hat draw
sailing w/ whit and alison and pottery at steve/leigh's
this weekend is the car wash and i think karaoke with michelle/steve...CAROLOKE (frances) on sunday, and finally karaoke w/ jen guys monday.
NEXT weekend (12th) is a huge clusterfuck...league finals, ben/frances birthdya/goodbye, missing mickey avalon, supposed to go to a birthday party on the 11th...
then it's christmas stuff, lewis is in town
WHAT THE FUCK! i think my new year's resolutino is going to be to stay home every other weekend.

and while this has all been a shit ton of fun, it is wearing me. i always do this in the months after breaking up...soaking up every bit of freedom i have to do what i want and party my arse off. it ends eventually, often because there're just things i wanna do at home. have a guitar and harmonica staring at me coldly in the dark wishing for some attention...just about every one of my regular surfboards needs repairs (including my baby that i broke the tip off of...with my shin...shite), truck needs some work (brake job, now have dremmel to fix radiator, some sanding/repainting that is long overdue)

i look around my house and see remnants of the parts of the past 4 weekends at this point...and i'm just never home with enough time or energy to do anything about it. good thing my roomates are chill!

and meanwhile i wonder to myself where this all leads. why do i have this insatiable need to hit every party, every outting, and shit...i instigate a good portion of them. i intentionally just STAYED HOME a few nights this week...nice to just couch it sometimes with yourself and contemplate shit (while watching some mindless TV of course ;)

and i have a lot to think about. i'm floating again...wandering...aimless...

a lot's changed. i have a few decisions to make. a few deeds i must endure. some inertia i must overcome. and the longer i sit back and let life go on without me the harder it'll be to find myself in the end. things i'll be ashamed to let slip away. things that'll haunt me.

need to recenter again.

and i've said that before....




was talkin' to a friend today, responding to the first 'comment' i've had on this blog in years methinks, and she (the muppet, for those lucky enough to know 'er) mentioned how she always had much more meaningful relationships with people in the blogosphere...before facebook and myspace and ....whatever else there was.

and she was right.

i avoided myspace forever because i'd look my friends' pages and all i'd see were a list of movies, a list of books, a list of music and that nebulous space that usually said simply, "it's complicated"...all in an attempt to quickly define a person like a movie preview.

and then there'd be one post saying "heeeeey, here's my myspace" followed by 2 years of conversations with people saying "i just wanted to say hi....hi!" or "it was good to see you last night!" i never really understood the meaning of those posts. i never understood why it was so viral. they were things i'd much rather say in person, or if not in person then by phone, or not by phone maybe a text message, or if nto by a text message maybe an email....or just showing the person i was happy to see them by asking to see them again. and things like myspace turned it into a broadcast saying, "hey look! i have friends!"

and before you get into it yes, i have a facebook now. i finally got one a few weeks before i made the trip to the east coast, trying to find some people i haven't seen since graduation FIVE YEARS AGO! i couldnt' believe it'd been that long, have gone through many cell phones and a few email addresses myself. and i must say, facebook produced wonderfully and i found all my friends.

and i got hooked telling people shit like "i spilled coffee on my crotch this morning"...like they'd actually care. wondering what quick little quips i could produce to advertise my worth, taking up your time to read three lines of gibberish. and then there're those days when i just write and write....and the damn thing tells me i can't write that much and i have to cut it ddown to some socially accepted wordcount like, WAIT FOR IT, i'm posting a fucking want ad in a newspaper.

and then of course i think back to the day (which is becoming much like tonight) while i wait for the latest episode of "heroes" to download...writing PAGES on this here blog...spewing my mind in all it's glory, slapping it on INFINITE fucking scroll to be displayed for a short time before being archived for an eternity, perchance to be discovered by a future friend who still knows what a blog is. (pop quiz, hotshot, where does the term "blog" come from? no wikipedia!)

and i love it. "hereos" is done downloading and i can't wait to see if hiro can save charlie, or if peter can save hiro, or if noah can save the creepy awkward teenager...and this is worth more. just like back in collee where it was worth those few moments before going to sleep to actually THINK about my life a little and clarify it enough to put it here. my blog...my infinite blog. my failed panopticon. my testament to the changes i've gone through.

and i had a wonderful conversation sparked by an insightful comment from an old friend.

those conversations are better than spilled coffee. and i look forward to more...(stay tuned)



how long will it continue?