veruca salt - leave me lying here

hmm


i don't really know what i'm feeling these days...kind of foreign. as i mentioned before...yeah...my parents aren't doing so well together. they might split up, they might no, but either way it's going to be awkward between them. over spring break the shit really hit the fan...and it was easy enough to just get drunk and not think about it so that wasn't a problem, but coming back to school...i just don't wanna do anything nowadays. it's a good thing i don't have an extremely large courseload 'cause i'd definitely let many things fall through my fingers and not really care.

i usually think of myself as a really cheery peson. i'm almost always happy with my life, proud of myself, proud of who i've become, not many things i feel i NEED...and most of that is because there are very few things that i really care about. of course that means that the things i do indeed care about mean worlds to me...family being at the top of that list and this is by far the biggest problem it's ever encountered...and i don't know what to think about it. i used to think that i was depressed over these two girls at two different times in my life...thinking back...i wish i chilled out a little more about that. whoopdie do, some girl broke my heart, or i broke my own. life goes on...there's a woman in this world for every star in the sky.

but i only have two parents. i can't even begin to say how much of my moral and social principles are based on what i've gathered from the two of them...and right now they don't have any answers. i wake up in the mornings and just lay there for hours at a time contemplating shit....i just don't wanna get outa' bed. i FEEL like this makes sense to me. i'm the last of three...i'm about to graduate and start my own life...and my parents have spent 28 years creating a life for their kids and they've succeeded...but in the process they've grown apart. every year that goes by my 'ideal life' is shattered and rebuilt. when i was younger i was an idiot and wanted the first girl i gave my heart to to give me hers and we'd live happily ever after. yeah...that doesn't happen. 'specially since i'm a spaz and didn't (don't...or never will) understand women, relationships, myself....few girls later....i wonder if any of it matters...few years later....i wonder what's the point of a relationship...now...what's the point of worrying?



over spring break i considered something i hadn't considered before....why don't i go home after school. i'm notoriously bad at staying on top of things that aren't immediately in front of me...and dealing with my parents through emails and cell phones just...doesn't really mean to me what it should and i keep brushing it off. denial? i hate to say but i think it might be. hawaii is a trap. a sync. you go there and all your motivation disappears. your brain slows down. that fire inside burns down to some warm embers that will happily glow on forever...i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing...but i'm not ready for that yet. telling my family i was thinking about it...they all warned me of the dangers and advised against it...and i'm taking that into account. plan c, at the top of my list now...is to just go home for the summer...or just a couple of months...relax...give my parents someone to talk to. i'd say i'm pretty USELESS in helping them with their problems...but my mom especially could just use someone right now to talk to and let her think of something else for a time. when i'm alone i brood...and so does she. no good.


hmm...i have a lotta work.

fuck.