long. not worth reading.

for some odd reason i've been thinking of LOSS a lot lately. i'm a complete sap watching drama in movies (although i'll rarely show it)...started happening in the past couple months i guess. maybe around the time i came home. i dunno...i think part of it has to do with independance. i mean, yeah, i live at home with my mom...but financially i'm completely independant. i pay as much "rent" as i would elsewhere except i drive about five times further than i would otherwise (good thing my car gets 12 miles/gallon), but i do have a big house to spread out in, a backyard to neglect, and a garage to work on raimi.

my mom's been getting a lot better lately. happier, more willing to do fun things with her time, mkain' new friends...crying less. she thanks me and tells me how happy she is that i'm home every once in a while. i feel like what i wanted to accomplish by coming home is actually working...so that's good. but at the same time, she is staying out of my life, like i asked her to. i need that if i'm going to be here. i don't think i've actually been home on a friday night for the past month or so...but she doesn't give me any grief for it. just glad i'm havin' fun (and not driving drunk :)

but on top of that...for some reason...branching off and creating this life for myself makes me SERIOUSLY worry about the rest of my family and my friends. i never used to before but i'm always applying situtations in movies to my own life. what would i do if a college friend of mine died somewhere across the country? what if my brother disappeared...and i'm 3000 miles away? then there's all my friends getting married and shit and i really don't feel like i could deal with that.

on one side...it's simply sharing my life with someone else. i live at home and i see my mom a couple hours a day at night 'cause i leave before she wakes up and almost always stay out to surf or play ultimate after work...if i even come home at all. what the hell kind of relationship could i have right now? unless she surfs, plays ultimate...and her name is tammy *shrugs*. fuck. i hate being attracted to women sometimes. so much easier to just live my own life.

on 'another' side is the whole loss thing. something is really spooking me for some reason about getting close to people and losing them. even just to say goodbye. i was really worried about comin' home because i wasn't sure if i could still make a life here after being away from it so long. make new friends, find things to do...or if i'd end up just surfing alone for the time i'm here and deciding to leave after this program finishes in two years.

wondered how i'd get along with all my old friends from high school as well...since i've really changed a lot since high school. it's interesting to see how people think of me and the things i do nowadays...especially when you look at the differences between the people who "knew" me, the people who just met me, and the people who remember me from high school but haven't seen me since (random ones). they're all different...i don't know what to think about that. and i don't know if i should do anything about it either. i was talking about it with moani once and she said quite frankly that everyone has to have a few faces adn that it's natural. when she said that, i wholeheartedly disagreed with it. i mean, i can see how people can do that, and it'll be fine...but i personally feel so awkward in that position. i'm at a point again where i have seperate groups of friends whom i can't imagine having fun with eachother...

and i wonder...am i losing friends? have i already lost them? a lot of these new friends are grad students at UH (ultiamte folk)...i'm not completely sure where even they'll be in a year or two. almost afraid to ask. hell in two years i don't know where I'LL be.

is this what wanting to settle feels like? i've only just arrived at that question after typing all that aimless gibberish. if you've made it this far, i apologize alredy. i promise my next post will have a cute picture in it to compensate. i've seen a lot of the world. i know what makes me happy. i have an almost ENDLESS list of "hobbies" that i constantly have to prioritize since i can't indulge in them all. should i stop running around?

even surfing...i have things going so madly through my head i can't really relax. it's weird. something's really bothering me....


maybe i do just need to get laid.