oxytocin to the jugular

for some reason i have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness these days. i still wonder why i write shit on this blog sometimes but half the time it's because just about everyone who reads it is pretty distant from me (physically) these days. at least...that i know of. i tend to get a consistent ~10 readers a day and i just assume they're the same 10 every time.

either way...i dunno, it's an odd feeling. i used to be perfectly fine doing shit by myself all the time, enjoying my hobbies...a lot of which were very solitary hobbies. but instead i find myself looking for parties to go to, friends to drink with, any kind of social activity, basically. i haven't picked up my guitars in over a month. i haven't surfed in over a week...

i find myself thinking about companionship a whole lot. as i mentioned i was seeing a girl for a little while...and it was a lotta fun. she was a really cool girl, gorgeous, confident, smart....so many things i liked....but the moment it started getting emotional...i just didn't wanna deal with it. i didn't know how to...i was numb. i always try and make these parallels with logic and emotion and logically, the relationship made sense. emotionally, however, i felt like i just wasn't capable of feeling it. did a horrible fucking job of telling her/showing that to her and basically ended up feeling like an ass hole in the end...but in the end i was relieved to have my freedom back (not that she even took much of it from me, she was REALLY cool), and to have only myself to worry about.

and then i find myself reaching out to grasp something else and only find a bottle. not that i want anyone's pity (in writing all this) but i just wanna say it. a friend asked me last night, "do you miss her [tam]?" i told her without hesitation that i miss her every day, but that didn't change the fact that i thought we shouldn't be together. finally believed what tam had been telling me for months, basically. what i'm not over yet is that feeling of companionship. of feeling that there's someone out there who wants to spend their free time with me. to have someone to call after school/work to do something fun with. to look forward to someone at the end of your day. to look forward to SOMETHING at the end of my day.

and all those are probably the best reasons that i shouldn't try and have a relationship. but it's all that i feel will make me happier.


i'm a mess.