proof in the pudding

another slew of life philosophies flooding the mind as i try and reclaim my life again. another painful experience to learn from? always sorry it has to end the way it does...but never so afraid of it to avoid the start. that took me a long time to be comfortable with after my first girlfriend tore my heart out. i look back sometimes and think about what an idiot i was then but...realize that experience is how i got to where i am. live and learn. but never if you don't put it out there, and put your heart and your trust and your love into someone else's hands. hope. believe.

i was watching the departed a little while ago and there's this one part where matt damon is laying in bed with his girlfriend and they're havin' big problems. and they're talking about their problems and he tells her that if it's gonna happen, she'll have to do it, 'cause he's irish and he'll live with something wrong for his entire life before doing anything about it. i'm only an eighth irish so i'm nothing like that :) (just an alcoholic)...but i see people who are. it scares me. i mean sure, everyone's got a bit of inertia...and others are too skittish to ever get rolling (like i used to be at least)...but there are people who will live unhappy their entire lives for reasons that're beyond them. regrets, guilt, responsibility(hmmm), hope, kids, weakness...and i've always been afraid of that. and i've seen it. and yes, i've been a part of it.

it's one of the things that turned me into what some call things like blunt, cold, obnoxious, downright mean...i realized at some point that i can palate being that way. i invite (dare?) people to ask me for my honesty sometimes. and sometimes it's received horribly. nobody's perfect, i'm sure everyone's got friends they don't REALLY like...or even just little things about even their best friends they can't stand. i for one would like to know those things. i'd like to know that people think i'm cold. i'd like to know that people don't trust me. i'd like to know that people don't like some'a the things i do. because i hate having to look back at some point and seeing how long i've been hurting (or just irritating) someone when i would've done something had i known about it.

but there are times for tolerance. there are times for tact. there are times for sympathy and warmth. life isn't an equation where a+b = friendship. i'm still working on the tolerance....tact........warmth.


freezing.