i made another blobbing appearence on drew's
blog. i made top two on his top ten cool things to do list! perhaps he was just making me feel good (thanks drew) for bitchin' and moanin' about not getting the attention i obviously deserve, but, nonetheless it's nice to hear people read (not necessarily enjoy) my blobs :)

i'm all about self-deprication. it really makes no sense though (blatant honesty en route) considering i'm rather pompous most of the time. if this makes any sense, i'm usually very confident in my ablities, but at the same time insecure in my confidence. i feel like it's two seperate feelings somehow. it's not that i'm insecure about my abilities, just my confidence in my abilities. i think it's because i am mortally afraid of dissappointing myself, so i tend to TRY and expect as little as possible. a little mantra i invented for myself (almost undoubtedly spoken well before my existence): expect nothing and you'll never be dissappointed. i end up putting myself in this awkward reverse denial sort of thing. like i always try and tell myself that i'm going to fail, fuck up, or come up short; in the end, i'm even prouder of myself than if i'd been confident. it keeps life interesting because i'm always challenging myself, but does a number on self esteem i guess because i com einto every challenge playing the part of the underdog.

my junior year in high school i put together the craziest schedule i could possibly have attempted for my senior year, only rivaled by the girl i was to date my senior year and put a load on my shoulders i had not foreseen (but she's beside the point...what point?). either way, my counselor at the time (i never listened to her, i just needed her to approve shit for me) tried everything she could to get me to make it easier, but i insisted. i will remember her words, probably until the day i die, when she said, "you're some kind of mental masochist or something". i thought it was very intersting that she was comfortable telling a student that; not that i cared, i was actually proud of it (proving her point...weee). either way, the only reason i did that was because i was bored. i wanted to challenge myself the full extent that i could, so i went through with it, despite her suggestions. and i rocked it *shrugs*. looking back i don't really think i convinced myself that i COULD do it, i just wanted to jump into it and see if i could. it made me smile to think about what i'd learn from it, despite whether i won or lost.

i find i approach a lotta things that way. i try my hardest in everything i care about, that goes without saying. winning or losing though, i don't care. i'm comfortable with my limitations if i believe they are limitations. if i think they're just short falls, i'll fix 'em 'till i'm convinced i've hit a limit. i've always approached life that way...people say i'm very laidback 'cause i never seem to care about anything. it's not that i don't care, it's just that i'm comfortable where i am.

what the hell was i talking about? i don't know. get this far? hah, sucker.

oh...one thing i DON'T treat how i treat all that up there is women. fuck. i'd probably have a much easier time with them if i did, but for some reason THAT's an area that i have severe confidence issues. i have problems trusting people, i'm a raging skeptic most of the time. i have big problems respecting people when i think they're trying to uphold some kind of facade that expresses who they want to be isntead of who they are. i get along best with the ones who are down to earth and, like me, are comfortable with who they are and confident in letting the rest of the world know who they are :)

who are you?