insomniac

so with my sister and her boyfriend adhering to at some type of normal sleeping schedule, i find a few hours at the end of a day to myself with the tv, stereo, and this here computer. i think they pay some sort of hourly rate (modem) for internet or something so i try not to stay on too long, mostly checking my emails, grades, making sure i have a ride home when i get back to hawaii (i'm getting home before my parents).

and of course save some time for a quick blob....heh. i'm useless. i highly doubt i'll be getting many readers, and for those who do won't come very often and will find like, twenty posts that they don't want to, and probably won't read. maybe i'll give up eventually, but as long as SOMEBODY reads...that's just about all the motivation i need. so far there hasn't been a completely dead day yet.

i've been having a lot of fun with the family, but i'm still yearning for my home rock. and my dog. and my bed. and the fuckin' beach. of course i have to find a job, but i imagine i can afford to be useless for at least a day or two. a good old friend of mine is picking me up from the airport so maybe we'll chill out and drink my parents' beer for an afternoon :) catchup and such, it's been a while since we've hung out (he goes to officer's school w/ the navy something in rhode island i think). good stuff.

i find myself thinking about candace a LOT lately...and rather unfortunately. it's depressing. i keep trying to figure out what exactly i think of her, and what exactly i want of her....or rather what i want between us. anytime i'm near her i feel a little fire burning inside me looking for some sort of vent, but never finding anything to quench its hunger. no luck talking with her....that just woke up things i'd been avoiding. i've had a few people ask me...a few rather gossipy sort of people...about one small specific of that night of the toga party we talked. i'd asked that they keep it quiet, mostly for matt's sake, but apparently he already knows *shrugs*. so yeah, sai and london both asked me, sai the luckier of the two 'cause she asked a more open ended question, but yeah, i kissed candace that night. oops. london asked if i 'made out' with her...because she'd heard that "matt was mad" blah blah blah...and i told her no, i didn't make out with her, and i didn't. i didn't lie, but she didn't push it, so i left her thinking what she will :) not very honest of me but london has no conscience, it doesn't hurt my moral too much to simply keep something from her. sai on the other hand just asked me if i'd kissed her, 'cause she "heard something" from "someone" who i haven't quite discovered...and this is turning into a novel.

but yeah, i kissed candace, didn't make out with her, but definitely not in a way i should've been kissin' her with her boyfriend upstairs and all. why i did it, i'm still pondering. one obvious part of it, that i've accepted, is that i am attracted to her. possibly only sexually (i still get that feeling when i'm close to her, like when she reached out and pulled me, resisting, towards her for a hug...), but attracted nonetheless. i've never been one to place much importance on sexual attractions, and i'd be severely dissappointed in myself if that is the only reason i'm attracted to her, but i still reserve a place for the possibility. also, i was at least a little drunk. *shrugs* i have few inhibitions, and less when i'm drunk. moreso...i wanted to know what she'd do. she didn't resist, kind of kissed back (it was quick), and i wonder what she thinks of me despite saying that she "hasn't been romantically attracted to me in a long, long time"....and told me a few things about her and matt that i will keep between us (for her sake). but still, i wonder, but i don't want to ask. well..part of me does, part of me wants to know anything, but the more logical part of me says i should just butt out. i dunno. it has a lot to do with MY thoughts...like...i can't make my own decisions until i really know what's up, and certain things would make my decision easier to make.

i still find myself wondering if through all this i just want her back....but usually the thought of her fucking someone who was once a good friend of mine makes ANY type of relationship with her seem like more and more of a headache i'd rather just forget about. for all the time i've known her, i've wanted her, and that's why i got close to her. now that i don't want her...or don't want to admit that i want her....or that i really am just disgusted by the whole thing...i don't know what kind of friends we could be. never made sense to me that i could think to date someone i can't even be friends with...but matt was a bit of a monkey wrench in that little machine now wasn't it....or maybe it's an excuse.

jesus christ....wtf am i talking about *sigh*

the sad thing is this really is how i think...i could go on all night on this....but for the purposes of this blob, i think i'll stop now (not to say i won't continue). i ask myself why i blob this...and who'll read it, what they'll think of it.....i don't imagine she'd read it, but perhaps i'll be surprised.

questions. fuck 'em. i want....i want....

beer.