departing blob

so these are my last nighttime hours in the sunny isles of my home. i sat at diamond head lookout toeing the edge of a cliff above waves i've surfed countless times this summer (the break is aptly named "cliffs") and tried to 'sum up my summer' in my mind. in the end, this has been the best summer of my life...for the fourth summer in a row. looking back, i am extremely proud with how i spend my time, all the time. a lot of time people are complaining about how much they wish they coul dfind the motivation to do this, that and the other....and all my life the one thing that keeps me going is intiative. take that first step. you know the saying, but i don't like saying it anymore (bitch).

my dad always said...from when i first started having 'real' conversations with him...that he always admired my initiative and that he thought that's the character trait that would carry me through life. he was right *shrugs* keeps me goin'. i was never afraid to just...do it. if i felt like i wanted to do something, i'd get up off my ass and do it. i remember eric once contemplating his motivations and said something to the extent that if he 'says' he wants to do something, but ends up watching tv instead...then he must not've wanted to do it in the first place. makes sense to me. i just always preferred to turn the tv off...

this year, it was surfing. none of my friends (home at the time) were intersted in surfing with me...i don't know how to surf...and it scared me shitless. but i did it. i numbered my first few 'surf lessons' (self-taught, of course) and i don't feel like reading back, but it took a LONG time for me to really get the hang of it. longer than i thought it would've, but i stayed with it because despite sucking, i enjoyed learning...and was so excited to 'be good' at some point. and now, i'm good. today, possibly my LAST real day of surfing, i had the second best surfing day of my life. the first best was about a week ago with thomas when diamond head was just GLASSY. perfect point breaks for two hours straight before the wind blew it out. but today, as the sun started going down and i'd told myself 'last wave' ten times...i was content. in the end, my 'last wave' was possibly the heaviest wave i've ever landed, and it was a backside drop, too (back to the wave). i can still hear the sound of the board speeding across the water, faster than i'd ever gone before, and the feeling taking off down a mountain of water. i clearly remember three waves among the many waves i caught today...pictures in my mind i hope i'll never forget...but after that huge wave, i was still content. i thought i would miss it a lot more...but i realized out there that i'd done it. it took me the better part of two and a half months, but i'd done it. and i'm stoked. i'm hooked. no matter what, surfing will always be in me. the last time i found something like this in me, i was already studying it in school.

my other goals this summer were to make a little bit of money, which i have. worked a month, full time at the UH bookstore stock room. easy job, physical, and a cool crew. i spent time with my sister, i spent time with my brother, i spent good time with mom and dad as well. i started the summer alone...reluctant and tired of calling friends who didn't seem to care...but somewhere in the middle i found a few who really did seem to enjoy my company. when thomas left, he called my cellphone from the airport and left a message on my cell phone (i was out surfing or something)...thanking me for everything we did together in the two weeks that he was here. a lot of surfing, some hiking, food, drink....we had a lot of fun. i can't explain to you what it felt like just to hear that i'd made someone else's time enjoyable. a few days later, sai called me from somewhere on the mainland with the same message of appreciation, and again, i'm realizing why i like getting people together...despite the bullshit. i'm a social animal. fuck.

yet another 'playful'...but not really...goal was to avoid candace as much as possible. i saw her here and there, short spurts, never giving enough time for any real conversing. i knew, however, that sai would like to hang out with her so i saw that coming,and i was fine with it. it was nice (again sai, don't get offended) to have someone else sai could talk to to, as usual, give me some time to myself. i did, however, call up candace to come hang out with me and cat (kristi came too) last night at dave and busters. i was trying to be nice....and trying to be a friend....but also 'testing' myself to see how i felt around her now that i couldn't avoid her 'cause she'd be talking to sai. in the end there were a lot of biting remarks, blatantly poking fun at what each of us knew was a hated between us. towards the end of the night, when i started sobering up (when i usually get most belligerent), i started getting really obnoxious too. too cat, as well (she was driving candace home) and when i realized the kinds of things that were going through my head, i said a quick goodbye and just walked away. cat, if you're there, sorry for being an ass.

also, in the past couple of days, cat found lots in me that she doesn't like at all :) mainly how i deal with arguments, women, blah blah. good thing she gives candace rides home a lot of the time, huh. but yeah, i'll joke with her from time to time about dumping creighton (her current long-distance boyfriend) and coming to nyc, or just blatantly hookin' up with me skinny dipping under a full moon, but in the end, i'm not the kind of person for her, either. yet another pipe dream. most of the problem is sensitivity...you know, being able to just swallow my thoughts and be comforting. the thing is...i haven't felt like doing that since i was with lindsay (my first girlfriend). i keep people far away. despite letting everyone know everything about me (very odd hearing my mother discussing my virginity hiking with FIVE other girls....me being the only guy...and one of those girls being candace) nobody REALLY knows me anymore. i guess cat would know the most....only because she understands me more than candace ever did. other than that...my sarcasm and seeming cold-heartedness is just a front. a safety. my fortress. it's been up so long...the only way i know to step outside it is to keep my mouth shut and watch people. i think at least twice a month i consider digressing back to the introvert i used to be...

this is long...i'm gonna get a beer.

back.

in the end...my favorite moments this summer were alone. surfing. surfing with thomas was a lot of fun....but it's not like it's a team sport. in that moment, it's only me on the wave....or me and some ass hole dropping in. it's one of the reasons i started bodyboarding in the first place so many years ago. i was getting tired of sitting around....coming right home after school and watching tv....sleeping in late on the weekends...and i found something that i could do on my own that i enjoyed as much whackin' off *shrugs* 'cept it lasts a lot longer ;) surfing...was fun with a challenge. i'm a sucker for a challenge. i usually succeed, too. but yes, in the end, the pride, the challenge, the rush, the success....the self-righteousness i guess you call it. i'm the youngest of three in my family...i grew up striving for independence...i enjoy things most when i do it all by myself.

i've lost any sort of organization here...so i'm gonna stop. i may continue this tomorrow....i'm gonna get up early and pack. i'm sure i'll be pondering some stupid shit.

at first i was gonna try and have some people over for dinner/drinks. not too very many people were interested, though, especially on such short notice, and i was too lazy to cook or anything. so instead i just decided to surf for a long time and then meet somewhere for dinner/drinks....but then i realized i have no friends. actually they were all just scattered and busy. so i came home and grabbed a zip pack and a six of kona brewing company's fire rock pale ale....one of my favorite meals and my favorite beer right now....my last dinner in hawaii. and still, i'm content. i could live here right now, but i have the energy to delve into bigger and better things for a few years.

good day