shutterbug

i knew when i started this blog under the premise that i'd be brutally and painfully honest that it would probably falter once 'things' got personal. i guess you could say i live a very impersonal life. i talk a lot on IM, i never use the phone, my hang outs are open to all (usually), and there's no one or two people that i ALWAYS go out with. i coudln't say i have a best friend. i guess i could say i live with my best friendS....but i've still gotten myself into an impersonal relationship with them...i guess. at least i feel that way...that i never really let anyone in. if it makes any sense at all my remedy to being afraid of letting ANYONE in is just to let EVERYONE in so that nobody feels special that i'm being honest with them. makes for an interesting life...

i don't know what i'm saying.

but i know why i'm saying it. i started this blog last january...january 28th to be exact (re-reading blobs for one of the few times i ever have). i really don't think anything extremely significant has happened in my life since then that involved more than like...three or four people at a time. like i said, i'm very impersonal. if something happens, it's with a mass. there were a few things that happened with candace that i was usually okay with blobbing 'cause she usually doesn't read this thing...she avoids it most of the time. i found out recently, however, that sometimes 'people' will tell her there's something about her in it and she'll come and check....how thoughtful of her. she didn't comment any more about it...

other than that there was nothing really personal that i had going for me. i played ultimate with 'you', partied with 'them', and went to see a movie with 'these guys'...whoopdie fuckin' doo, not very hard to keep an open life when nothing's happening.

this past week however....(i've been stalling trying to decide what to tell)...has threatened my willingness to share 'everything'. maybe it's about time i turn inwards instead of outwards? or should i take this opportunity to challenge myself to be bold. i always thought the panopticon was a wonderful thing....mostly because i wasn't afraid of the showing myself. now, showing myself is a little harder...with the culmination of about three different things in one week....it rains it pours...just in time for the hurricane.

there are three people i think i really have to talk to until i can...let go again. or at least three people i have to talk to (possibly a fourth) before i can make a decision about the direction of this blob.

damn, that was kinda depressing....

it shouldnt've been 'cause i had a pretty nice day. i was woken up at about 9am when my bro called to say he's comin' into the city. we were supposed to go eat with my sister but she had to work (she sucks at planning) so me and lewis went to eat, i got egg's bennedict...'cause i fuckin' love eggs bennedict. they cooked the eggs too much but it was still good. after that we went to see 'underworld'. GO SEE IT. that's all i have to say :) kate beckinsale, so hot. vampire chicks. so hot. but yeah, we had a nice time. and then we went to dbq (picked up vanessa and brad, her bf on the way) for some ribs and i got a giant margarita (lewis was sick and didn't wanna drink). so i was extremly happy after that. two of my favorite meals, two of my favorite people, and vampires. and then tonight i watched 'nightmare on elm street 4: the dream warrior', a dvd i got a few days ago but hadn't watched yet. made me happy :) i think it's my favorite one so far. so yeah, it's been a good day...but this past week has been pressing on my shoulders.

i'll work on it.

redrush