bubble

so before i start my pset due in...eight and a half hours...i thought i'd blob. this week seems to be flying by but i'm getting shit done somehow. i dunno how that works. still skipping my crappy classes, still doing the work (we'll see about this pset). i have some piling up in another class, but i can take care of that later....i think.

an i have to mention my utter stupidity :) check this out. so i haven't run our dishwasher yet (i usually wash things by hand) but our kitchen was a mess and everyone else was out so i thought i'd do them while i waited for the rice to cook. now, back home we always used the powdered dishwasher soap...and i didn't really think about it as i grabbed the dish soap off the counter and put it in the dishwasher. pretty soon the sprays and shit got really muffled and i mosey into the kitchen to find suds POURING out of the bottom. i wen through two voices, a lotta paper towels, and repeated uses of dish rags and bowls to contain the mess....and the fuckin' dishwasher was seriously a wall of suds. it was amazing...but such a problem. i tried a number of things to try and defeat the suds (bacon grease, salt, listerine, lysol.....). the lysol worked, but i didn't think it would be a good idea to spray alcohol on a heating element. badaboom! so finally i just decided to scoop out as much of it as i could, scoop out as much soapy water as i could (i couldn't get it to drain), and agreed with mike to just let the bubbles die. i just ran it again and it seems to have settled. unfuckingamazing (for some reason i like that phrase/word....)

try and correct me and i slap you

i was going to talk about a mild realization that i have little confidence in my judgements of people...i don't like telling people what i think of them too much because i always think i'm wrong. of course, 'don't like' doesn't mean i won't...and it makes some people uncomfortable around me but i can't help it. i rarely lie. i don't dodge questions very often either. or maybe i do. or tacitly ask people to just not ask. or give people the impression that my opinion doesn't matter...i like that one. 'cause then they don't ask 'cause they think i'm dumb and i can live in my happy little bubble.

ALTHOUGH....expresing my opinions has often brought on the greatest learning experiences. whether my opinions be supported or shot down...i learn a lot when i put it out there, no matter how much my voice is shaking. i in no means want to offend people (usually)...but i'm a strong believer that people can't help what they 'think'. all too often i hear people say things that sound so fake and superficial that they must just be afraid of what they're thinking. or they really are just extremely pure people? nonsense. man is born with a vivid imagination. i think people who either try to suppress it, which makes little sense 'cause to supress an idea...you have to think of it first, right? and then on the other hand (and there really is only one hand), everyone goes into denial. except me of course. i embrace my evil thoughts, vivid imagination, and very open mind ....shut them up inside me and push everyone around me outside of my little bubble. to me this is 'right' because i'm at least true to myself. a little lonely...but i can't stand when i feel like i'm being fake for the attention or affection of others around me.

reminds of a story i'd rather not remember. in one of the many ugly conversations i had with candace while we were dating she asked me what she could do to make me happier. on the one hand i should've been overjoyed that someone wanted to sacrafice for me....but far outweighing that was the disgust that she couldn't be herself around me. to this day, i still don't know who that girl is....i wonder if even she does....yet. either way, in answer to her question, i told her that i don't just want someone to BE 'that girl' for me....i simply want to find her. i asked her to be herself and let me decide.

she continued to filter everything she showed me. at least i didn't believe she showed me herSELF.

i don't even know why i started talking about that. *reads back a bit* oh yeah. now i don't know what i'm trying to say. i guess in some sense (relating vaguely to the panopticon yet again) i feel trapped that i'm so open with myself and the rest of the world can't be more like me. social standards and society has created a very static way of life for us...one which hinges on acceptance. i don't have faith in my judgements of others. i think part of that is 'cause i can't correctly percieve people 'cause i usually think they're hiding something. (did i mention i'm a skeptic?) i guess in the end all i have is a proposal:

instead of appeasing the people from whom you want acceptance, be yourself and see who accepts you.

of course then you can filter out the people you DON'T want acceptance from, but that's a much easier step



so, how many people have i offended?

i dunno, whenever i try to explain myself i get such jumbled thoughts and i feel like i'll never make sense of them, muchless convey them in words.

now i'll go do my data structures assignment. at least that's logical. i'll probably be back sometime.




half hour.