the day after a party is always an interesting event...especially when a lot happened at said party, and you DON'T REMEMBER. haha. i do remember most of last night, but it's in flashes that don't necessarily offer any chronological insight. i did spend the last few hours in my boxers because three people spilled shit on me in five minutes...and that led to me being completely naked from time to time....that's an understatement methinks. i'm sorry if you had to see that.
and i'm also going to apologize to my frank and beans right now for exposing them unprotected to the 13 degree courtyard of EC. sorry guys. and then christian threw my clothes out the window at some point...why i had no clothes on that time, i don't know. but i ran outside and grabbed them...naked.
*warning, the rest of this post is basically me crying like a little bitch about a girl. avoid it if you don't want to know about it
also had a long talk with both candace and matt after me and candace got in a little wrestling match ending with her smashing her head against a door hard enough to make her crumble and cry. she kind of attacked me, but it wouldn't have happened if i hadn't taunted her. i'm guessing (hoping?) she doesn't read this but whatever. so we talked, and got almost nowhere. in the end i just realize how much i've hurt two people i care dearly about, and despite all that, they still care for me. candace has given up on me (at my request) and matt's avoided the issue until last night and said a lot of things that i hoped he wouldn't, mainly that he wants the three of us to be okay with eachother. i can't explain, nor show the pain i went through when i pushed candace away, and every time i see either of them i am reminded of darker days. dark days pull me so much deeper than any amount of bright days can lift me out of, and there are few things that pull my spirits down. i'd rather avoid them.
i know this whole thing makes a lot of awkwardness for other friends of ours as well, and i sincerely apologize. me and candace have been through a lot, and tried over and over to fix our problems, but i gave up trying a long time ago and she didn't offer any solace otherwise. matt coming into the picture just pushed us further apart. i haven't had a real conversation with either of them in months, and when i finally do i leave one with a bruised head, and another depressed at his own party (he fell asleep after we talked, he was rather drunk). so i fucked up both their nights, and my solution was to drink as much as i could get my hands on and run around naked all night. i'm nothing but trouble to both of them and they still want to embrace me. i still push them away.
immature? yes. spoiled perhaps? yes. selfish? definately. *shrugs* that's me.
why am i posting this? i don't know. i always felt like public scrutiny helps me find what is 'right'. my own self-inflicted penopticon. i don't hide much, but not everyone wants to know some things so i usually keep them to myself. but hell, this is my blob. it's YOUR choice to be here :)
so that's whta my day's been revolving around, how are you today???
work.
chocolate
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