pattern

thinking a lot about my life today for some reason, and something i always think about is how interesting i really am. i mean, i think i'm the most interesting person i know ; ) but i wonder what others think. if you've followed this crapulence from the beginning, i've written a few blogs about how much of an introvert i used to be before and during most of high school. somwhere i broke out of there but deep down, i'm still most interested in myself. i feel like i'm kind of contradicting myself when i think about how i like throwing my life out for others to see...making it seem like i crave the acceptance of others, but at the same time i feel like i just don't care. i can't tell if i'm in denial and 'throwing my life out there' is my way of asking for attention, or if i'm 'throwing my life out there' because i really don't care what others think. "don't care" is probably a bad phrase because i do value the opinions of my friends...hell even strangers i guess. i mean the opinions of others are what i use to (i think) improve myself and make myself, in my eyes, better depending on my level of agreement with these opinions and judgements i get. so in that sense i do care. the real "don't care" part is that i have no problem taking criticism. well...i do have some problem with it, i'm still human, subject to denial, humiliation, and offense...i think just less than others. i've referred to myself as cold-hearted more than once becuase it's very easy for me to turn inwards and feel invincible no matter what the circumstances.

so like i was saying....i have a lot of very odd interests, and a very odd train of thought that doesn't always make sense...and i think this may make me just....boring to some people, or many people. regardless, i'm still happy with myself. before writing this, in fact, i was lying on my bed staring at my ceiling with a single blue 60W lightbulb on pointed at the wall...and i noticed a really cool pattern on m ceiling created by a bunch of patio lights outside (below) my dorm window. i considered marking the pattern on the celing with a pencil or something contemplating if anyone after me (unfortunate enough to be locked in this little shoebox) would realize what it was i had done. then i tried to put myself in the shoes of most of my friends and i found my self giving myself (the real myself) a look i'm all to familiar with seeing...that confused..."wtf, leave me alone you freak" look. and i laugh. perhaps that's my way of hiding. maybe i'm subconsciously CREATING this weird thought precesses just to obscure my true self so that i can never really be found....in which case everything i'm doing to try and be open, honest, and free of shame crumbles like stale bread under the hooves of a pygmy horse.....

this little kid saw me today with my pair of giant poofy pigtails (compliments of sai) and red mirrored shades and just staaaaared. it was really funny. i smiled....his parents were staring too i realized....

i also saw a clown today too. she was at the free dinner....i mean kid's petting zoo....on lehman lawn. no clown shoes, but she had red shiny celophane hair, red polkadot overalls, and the usual clown facepaint. she didn't look to happy though, i think she was tired. she was on her way out (beat me out the gate). i thought we might make a good couple :)

*splash*