confessionals

so in case you haven't noticed the 'bravenet' counter at the bottom of my blob...check it out. it logs IP addresses somehow *shrugs* cookies i guess. it's a bit of an infraction on my panopticon...i have a vague knowledge of 'who' is in that tower watching me....i cheat *blushes*. it only shows dorms (unless it's a static ip like mine) so there is some guesswork involved...

i originally put my counters there just as motivation to write...seeing the numbers (without responses) was enough...but of course my curiosity got he best of me. perhaps that's me extending my panopticon unto you ;) i still have to read more of foucault to see if i even know what i'm talking about...

either way, what brings this up is another confessional actually. when i blob something that particularly stings to release (i'm not invincible after all) i tend to try and bury it with more and more blobs in the hopes that the people who don't 'regularly' read my blob might not read that far down when they visit. without fail, almost anytime i blob something about lindsay, she ends up checking my blob....which is like, once a month or so. kinda easy since her IP address says YALE....yay. and oops. she doesn't talk to me anyway...but i feel something just knowing she made that deft jab with her finger to click on the link....*sigh*

and, checking my trusty bravenet again today, i see an apple OS...check the IP and it's river. i only know of one person at columbia who uses an apple, and she lives in river too....yeah, candace. i was indeed burying that post about friday night....but i wonder if she got down to it. it was honest. i can stand by it. but still....i'm once again asking myself where that border is that prevents me from forcing my panopticon on to reluctant others....i'm almost certain that some would be hesitant to interact with me; afraid that i'd blob it. but then again i might find those who aren't afraid....*shrugs* too much thinking....

electronics is coming along nicely....for some reason i'm very...lucid tonight...things are making sense very nicely and the clock doesn't seem to be moving as fast as i think it is. i'm feeling that burn to get outa' here though...slowly divying up my stuff to be stored for the summer (thanks, all of you who're helping me)...making plans to pack and ship outa' here....i feel like this summer is going to change a lot in my life. for one thing it's my last real 'summer'....it's the real world after this baby. i'm turning 21. next year vanessa and lewis (sis and bro) will be in and near the city, respectively, there's a girl i have to see about back home, there's surfing to be done, there's money to be made, and relationships to ponder. my life is slowly coming together, making more sense and focusing on a more general direction...i feel like i'm ready to start moving ahead again. it's been a while since i felt something other than a struggle to keep up with life, but i think i've got one hand clenched tightly around a lonely handlebar. this summer will be a nice rest...a calm before the storm if you will.

a good storm.