jack johnson
something

new partial theory on why i'm such a social delinquent.

in light of new conversation (don't ask) i'm reminded how timid i am to express my thoughts about people. when i was younger (here we go again, how many times have i blobbed about this?) i really didn't talk to anyone. i kept to myself, judging everyone from my quiet little corner on the playground finding solace in studying sugar ants and how they dealt with massive piles of dead friends.

when i started actually trying to be friendly i found that there aren't many people that i really REALLY like. i'm not one of those people who just loves everyone and tries to be the best friend i can to them. if i don't like you, i probably don't even talk to you much (for those of you worrying right now). i don't like talking about it, but i won't lie. i try as hard as i can not to lie....ever.....something something ghandi (above).

haha, funny quote i just remembered by jack nicholson (sp?): "you only lie to two people in your life. your girlfriend, and the police."

back to me sucking. despite how much i talk about 'telling the world everything' and such on this pitiful blog, i've made the distinction many times between action and thought. going back into my weak philosophy on the basis of this blog, the panopticon forces your actions to adhere to your percieved idea of morality in the society you're in (feel free to flame me, i like learning). i purposefully don't include ALL my thoughts because a lot of the time i don't think voicing my thoughts is a moral thing to do. i'm not a nice guy a lot of the time. i still have to get along with the people around me, though...so they buy me beer and stuff. i still like people to know who i am, though....and this blog helps that. believe it as much or as little as you like, to each his own.

i knew where this was going but my mind's all over the place at the moment. where i WAS going was to say that i think this is part of the reason i've been feeling so out of place in the life i've lead (for those of you who've followed my blog...). i have a lot of friends right now, and an even bigger bunch of acquaintences. i don't think i'm socially equipped to handle such things. all i do is fuck shit up because....haha....hey look i'm going to join two ideas.....because my instincts and impulses don't understand shame and anger the way other people percieve them. i have very little of both. i guess i'm less of a man.

so another point i was veering towards (away from the point right above) was a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. if you want me to be that quiet little gossip friend of yours that's going to keep your dirty little secrets, don't tell me. if you really want my opinion on something or just really want me to know something serious, tell me you want me to keep it to myself. sorry to make you think of it when you talk to me, but think about it. i don't filter what goes from head to mouth a lot of the time. i assure you, right now, and however long i've had this blog and even SPOKEN before in my life, i've never TRIED to hurt someone i didn't want to hurt. not that i can remember at least. somehow, though, i let a lot slip. i try; i'm not good at it, though.

perhaps you 'expect' different of me as a human being, well i am who i am. sorry. i probably WOULD like to be your friend, but there's nobody on earth who i can get along with on ALL occasions. and i doubt there's anyone who could get along with ME on all occasions either...

i wonder if i've offended you.....

i feel dirty.



*scratches head*