crash

looking back and all i've accomplished and accumulated this past year since graduating college...it's been the longest year of my life. i came home in the middle of june and started work on july 1, 2004.

with the money i had, i bought some clothes, bought, insured and maintained a really cool car (and learned a shitload about car mechanics), bought a camera, drank well, bought a lot of drinks and food for people, bought a lotta plane tickets to fly home to see a new girlfriend (one'a the few things i spent my money wisely on), and bought a lotta surf wax and sunscreen, i guess.

here at the end of my frist year, i've made a small dent in my debt, my camera died two nights ago, i might be selling my car soon to get something more useful (truck/SUV), i don't drink as much, i don't go out as much, i don't fly anywhere 'cause i work at home home (but i get to see my lovely girlfriend more), and i'm still buyin' surf wax and sunscreen. oh, and i'm a much better surfer...which is good since i have no medical insurance.

i guess this is where the cheesy music starts and i say it was all worth it because of what i've learned. like i said, it was the longest year of my life. i've learned more about myself and the world this year than i had in probably the decade before it. i guess how much i've learned could be equally proportional to how much my life's changed. my career's going in a different direction (not that i ever HAD a direction), i have a new love in my life, i've lost a love in my life even though he still lives half an hour away (dad), got a lotta useless toys, lost a lotta useless toys, made a lotta new friends, lost a few old friends...helped someone get through some hard times...it goes on. and it goes on. and that's all i want, for it to go on.

i realized somewhere in this past year that i need for things to change. to move. i get so frustrated when things get stagnant and i can't progress. hell, even a digression is better than stagnance, sometimes. you'll learn something from digression, but stagnance just pays the bills. rinse, repeat. some people find solace in stagnance...and call it stability, i suppose. what would i call it...

settling.

i think of everything in life as an oscillation. everything oscillates. i started thinking like this after i studied a little bit of darwin in a summer program at the university of kansas between 8th and 9th grade. rabbits and foxes...too many rabbits, the foxes have more food and eat 'em all. foxes get stronger and more plentiful, rabbits get weaker and less plentiful. foxes starve, rabbits thump. rinse, repeat. "theory" usually predicts some sort of equilibrium but infinite randomly occuring variables always seem to prevent that, and the balance continues to swing....sometimes too far and it dies, and something else develops. rabbits get HIV and die in one winter, foxes die the next winter after eating all their young...and mushrooms thrive on their carcasses to produce a supershroom capable of space travel. but then the hippies eat all the shrooms and eat their young. hippies are gone and yuppies take over.

what?

i dunno. i'm not even drunk. but either way, i like movement. interesting things hapen when things move and oscillate and change and take on more variables.

screw equilibrium.

screw it in the ear.