between the lines to kill the time

so i was telling my brother via email that tam and i were donedone and he made the funniest comment...saying that when all i ever blogged about were bugs and alcohol, he wondered what was up, haha. how perceptive. buuuuut thanks to the very few women in my life, i do believe this is not the right venue to bitch about other people :Ã? i guess tam'll be spared for the most part thanks to them.

but yeah, i'm done. make a long story short, i love the girl, i tried, i failed. we're not right together and it took an unfortunately long time for me to believe that as she did about six months ago. this past tuesday would've made a year and a half...with a very broken up period making up that last "half" which probably really shouldn't be called six months at all but whatever, can't avoid the date. my longest relationship before that was candace who lasted a whopping 6 months with one large break when i was in new york and she was here. i think continuously only 3 months? whatever.

i try and think back to who i was before tam...fifteen months ago. i had a job. i had more money than i knew what to do with. i was in a position to have my life laid out in front of me. a boring but lucrative career...at least to begin with. honestly, it made sense to me. jesus, i was 22. i'm turning 24 in a few weeks and now, two years later, i'm so much less centered, so much less worried about money, so much more interested in learning something instead of buying something. i'd be lying if i said she wasn't a part of that. having a girlfriend on oahu made it extremely depressing to be working outerislands week after week. the day i finally made a move on tam was the night i was leaving to work on the big island...presumably for a month, and indefinitely even after that (i ended up on maui later)...but i think at least every other week i ended up flying home to see her. the timing was horrible. that went on for about 3 months before i couldn't handle it anymore and i almost cried in front of my boss telling him that despite huge favor they did for me (and while i would've helped them a lot in the end, they invested a LOT in me) i couldn't continue because i didn't like where it was going. 5 years from now, i think i could've. but travelling all the time, even to the outer islands, made it so hard to maintain friendships. relationships. promises. i couldn't stand it. and while she was in no way the ONLY reason i quit my job, i like to say she personified my desires at 22 years old.

and i look back on that and smile at where i am. i was too youg to settle into a job. i would've bumbled through the weeks, the months, the years wondering what else i could've done with my life. i talked to a lot of people to arrive at the decision to go back to school. uncles, parents, siblings, cousins, friends, old teachers...and i'm glad i jumped the curve. got off the easy path and tried something that was definitely less stable. but so much more fulfilling.

and now here i am in grad school, enjoying the lifestyle...and now single. as much as i tried not to be one'a those guys who falls off the face of the earth 'cause he found a girl...in the last year and a half i definitely lost touch with a lotta people. the people who know tam always ask, "where's tam" for the first week or two every time we break up. we talked on the phone yesterday and everyone asked her the same thing. and there's a huge group of people who're friends of both of us...and i just wanna stay away from that situation. i've been there. hell candace ended up fucking one'a my better friends after she and i broke up. i tried to deal with it but said fuck it. i hated feeling that way. haven't talked to him since which is sad, he was a really cool guy. in his defense, he wasted no time in confronting me about it. they hooked up kinda randomly (she jumped him) one night and he told me pretty soon afterwards. soon enough that he even offered to stop if it bothered me. but it would've bothered me more to keep him from her because he was my friend, so i told him go for it. i don't regret it. he got more love out of her than he would've gotten from me (if that can possibly be taken non-sexually) and i'm happy for that 'cause he was a good guy. still think she's a [insert appropriate flame] for it 'cause in the end she kind of left him in the dark when she left new york like he was a convenience or something. he'd fallen hard.

and i know a lot of the reason i feel that way was jealously. candace and i shared a lot with each other. emotion, energy, love. i honestly don't know how anyone deals with seeing someone else enjoy the fruits they once partook. and i've shared more with tam than i have with anyone else in my life. i'm jealous of her just hanging out with friends we once hung out together with....and i don't wanna be there.

that's why people say don't date friends :) i need to start hitting on strangers, no?

i guess i'm more free to talk about my feeligs here now that tam's gone. when i was with her i ususally felt more of an urge to just be cheeky and cute in this blog instead of how i used to just go through the usual mental spew like this. she at least used to read this. i like the metnal spew. it makes me feel good at the end of a post.

slightly buzzed mental spew is also fun *sips sangria*.

i'm gonna go see tool in a month. booyah!


melancholy