failure.

few posts ago (titled AA)i said, "success is when i learn a new song on the guitar and sleep 8 hours in one night."

i haven't picked up the guitar yet (a month and a half) and i haven't been getting 8 hours of sleep. i do drink less. i eat better. i'm finally surfing again...a combination of too much ultimate and not wanting to do anything that reminded me of tam kept me out of the water for a time...

tam and i had just begun to talk again for a little while these past two weeks after about two months of not talking at all, and i just recently threw it down the drain (explaining later). with respect, i'll refrain from details she might not want mentioned (a lesson i've learned blogging for so long, but still toe the line) but i felt the urge to write MY feelings down.

i love the girl. i always will. however, for reasons i still don't understand i couldn't love her the way she needed to be. over and over, we both hurt each other. each unwilling to give up certain things about ourselves to be with the other person. a good friend told me my unwillingness to sacrifice was proof i did not love her. a harsh thing to say to a friend, but he was trying to help me. and i don't believe him anyway. where do you draw that line? where do you leave yourself behind completely and live for another person? when does someone do that for you? who does it first? i loved tam a month after i first kissed her. we've broken up more times than i can count (i lost count after 7) and i still love her. is that the difference between "love" and "unconditional love"?

sometimes i feel like she'll never let me in, sometimes i feel like i'll never be what she needs...sometimes i feel like i just don't know how to love.

sometimes i feel like i just need to listen to music that reminds me of her REALLY REALLY LOUD (headphones):

The Killers -"Mr. Brightside"
Shiny Toy Guns-"You Are the One"
*Lily Allen-"Littlest Things"
Lily Allen-"Naive" (Kooks Cover)
Jason Mraz-"I'm Yours"
311-"Love Song"

*pretty much hits the nail on the head....

i feel like i sacrificed a lot for tam. i left her back in april when she threw it in my face. she made me feel like i was nothing. she made me feel like my efforts were useless. she made me feel like i was weak. she made me feel like my love wasn't enough.

and she apologized later. and we talked. and we cried. and she said she would change. and i told her i had to take back some of what i'd sacrificed. and we got back together. and she changed...and i changed....and then we grew apart..and broke up again. and i don't know what happened.

fade back into present times, and the past two weeks we've been trying to talk again. trying to make sense of our love. trying to be friends. trying to be adults. trying to make amends. and for a week it was pure ecstasy. it felt healthy. it felt productive. it felt wholesome. and soon after that it turned sour as i started analyzing it. overanalyzing it. reconsidering EVERYTHING. picking over every detail. and in the course of a few days i wanted to drink it away again. i wanted to break something. i wanted to scream and tear my hair out over everything i didn't understand. feelings i couldn't contain. desires i couldn't fulfill. resolve i couldn't obtain.

but i also wanted to sweep her away someplace far far away. leave together for someplace new to both of us. somewhere all we have is each other. somewhere we can start anew. somewhere we could be home to each other. hell maybe just for a weekend even. mmm...listen to "holiday" by weezer. and the lines, "Sometimes I wish we could just pretend/Even if only for one weekend" in littlest things by lily allen.

and then in my bliss, realized it would accomplish nothing. it would just be a holiday. we lasted ALMOST continuously for a year this last time around. and broke up for a lot of the same reasons we were breaking up two years ago.

and all this talking was sucking me deeper and deeper into wanting her back ANYWAY. and wanting to hold her again. and wanting her NOT to see this new guy (listen to "mr. brightside" by the killers).

so i told her my mind was in a shitstorm, that i was rethinking everyhing we'd talkeda bout, and that i wanted her to be free from me. that she shouldn't have to deal with my inequities as an adult. in many more words. and she felt like i pulled the world out from under her and let her fall from the heights we'd just recently built ourselves up to. and i think she hates me.

alright, enough'a that sappy fucking music:
avenged sevenfold-"bat country"

i'm not gonna drown myself in liquor again. i've been failing a lot of aspects of my life lately and i'm gonna try and correct that. i don't know what to do about tam...but i didn't intend for her to feel the way she does now.

success will be learning a new song. success will be drinking less. success will be sleeping (i think i can handle) 7 hours a night. success will be acting like an adult.

i'll be around.