January 28, 2003

that was my first blog. or...blob (go read! they're funny!)

blogger says i've posted 756 times. 32 months, 756 posts, 23 +change posts a month.

DAAAAYYYMMMNNN

that's pretty fucked up...especially when you consider for the past maybe...six months i'm lucky to post once a week. god...it's too easy to spend time on your computer in college when you basically live next to it. when your room is your only piece of privacy and your computer's there? too convenient. kinda like having a fridge full'a beer under your computer monitor for three years...THAT was a real good idea, too.

oh, beer and bacon :)

big lebowski's on comedy central, "shut the hell up, donny" just doesn't cut it, dude. of course, it made me nostalgic of college. you fuckers. i'll have to admit, i didn' tlike this movie as much as you freaks did, but it is a great movie. for example, i can't watch it without cussing and i'd rather blog. aaaaand someone left some shitty merlot from my party that i'm drinkin' and i'm in a blogging mood (read: buzzed). not that i have much to write about but somehow, things come out *shrugs*.

people say i write a lot like i talk. i remember once posting on the newsgroup under someone else's name (read: drunk) and most people knew it was me. i kinda like that. i hear it in my head and i put it in my fingers. there is some sort of filter somewhere in here...*fumbles through basement*. oh well.

i think the worst blogs (except the ones that are never updated) are the ones that are contrived. for example...when you know someone really well and read their blog and think...wow...that was bullshit. that sucks. to me at least. to me, utopia would be where everyone could be themselves and not "worry" about how they'll be receieved. this could be considered contrary to my veteran groupies who remember the panopticon...but to me it makes sense. in the panopticon...life is open. sure, you may have to change to fit in...but you're not worrying. you know. and you make the decision. you'll fit in when you want how you want where you want and with who you want. no comments behind backs and dirty rumors...you don't have to worry. if so-and-so doesn't like how you so-and-so, you can choose to care or flick so-and-so a s-and-so.

sure, some of my shit is contrived....*ponders*. i'd guess most of what's contrived is what i don't say, though. as much as i can imagine myself writing, this blog is all truth, but not necessarily the whole truth. hurts too many people putting their lives out there. i was faced with the choice of either telling everyone that eveyrthing they tell me is public knowledge (or will be) or conforming to society and keeping other peoples' secrets. i've found there aren't many people like me in the world who would be happy to share everything...so i decided to conform to continue being friends with the people i liked being friends with. shallow philosophies dreamed up in the mind of a fuckin' engineer aren't worth losing friends for.

i blogged a lot less when i decided that. it was amazing to me, when i thought about it, how much of my life involves other people. maybe it's not so amazing to other people? i for one think the goddamn universe revolves around me. maybe that's why. when i finally started trying to seperate what's mine and what's "shared", i found that there isn't much in this pretty little head of mine that can stand alone in the world. or at least stand alone in the digital world for you to see and be interested enough to read through.

this is where i ask....who's still with me??? stoops was one'a the few people who ever answered that question. thanks stoops, even if you're not here ;)

this takes me back a few notches to elementary school where i really did have as much fun as i needed in my own li'l noggin (say it with an irish accent!). towards the end of elem. school i decided that there's more to learn about the people around me than i'll ever BEGIN to learn alone...so in 7th grade i decided to change that, and said hi to the first person i sat next to in class. ended up being a longtime friend who, although he probably doesn't know it and we don't talk anymore, taught me a lot in the years to follow.

i'm in one'a those moods where i wonder where society's going. what is society for. is it better than chaos? i saw the chronicles of riddick recently and was reminded how much i liked the idea of the 'ruler' of a mass being the strongest. at some other point it was the smartest who ruled. now...not that i want to get into politics, it's whoever can appeal to the masses. remember gladiator? "win the crowd". that's all society is. appeal to the largest sect and you rule. countries as a whole don't follow their leaders anymore...the majority does. and the dozens of minorities in different circles of the venn fight their leader. and fight the majority. and 49% of the world could potential be up in arms at any given moment in time. now that i think of it i suppose 99% of the world could be up in arms with a strong dictator...but hey at least they'd be unified :)

oh! and then they could unify against the leader...and then 99% of the world is happy...until they start fighting again. rinse and repeat? fuck, i dunno.

*more wine*

times like these i consider going back and editing...or deleting. but fuck it. i always liked hearing trains of thought out loud...even my own. i'll just let you laugh at my idea of politics :) you ever read one'a those "choose your own adventure" books where at the end of each section you get to choose like...one of a few options and it says "if you choose to kill this dude instead of that dude, go to page 99"? that's how my train of thought goes. of course...the way i read those books i kept going back and forth if i didn't like the consequences of my choice. and yeah...THAT's a better description of how my train of thought goes. a twisted web of dozens of dead ends. i just hold on to the longest string until i find a longer one...

i like to think that can mean i have an open mind. and i still do. but it's constantly challenged. to me i think a lot of people who say they have an "open mind" just never make any decisions about anything. afraid to believe in something because there MIGHT be something out there more believable. the fact that i take a stand on the most believable paths in my web makes most people think i'm closed minded.

too late to untangle that one at the moment. open to suggestions ;)


*sip*

who made it?