no one ever told me.

funny...i have no idea why i'm thinking that line, "no one ever told me"...but i felt like it would make a good title. let's see what comes out.

you ever look back and wonder what you'd do differently "had you known better?" i still remember the first time i realized my mom had lied to me. dumb, but it was about magnets. i was asking her why you could magnetize a paperclip by rubbing it with a real magnet...and i was still at that age where "mom and dad know everything" and i didn't realize at the time that she was struggling to answer me. in the end, she finally convinced me (at my suggestion) that by rubbing the paperclip in one direction you were kind of "pushing" these little magnetic particles or something magical off the magnet and they were deposited on the paperclip and voila, magnetism.

later, when i learned what was going on inside the wonderful world of ferro-magnetics...i was a little dumbfounded. initially i think (i'm struggling a little to remember exactly the chain of feelings) i was offended that my mom wouldn't just tell me the truth that she wasn't sure. what i do remember is that in the end i was, for lack of a better word, amused and interested. it opened up a whole new world for me to understand, simply, that mom and dad don't know it all. that i don't always need them to accomplish or learn something.

and, moreso (perhaps unfortunately) that i don't have to trust everything i hear from mom, dad, or anyone else for that matter. and, to the disgust of everyone on earth, now i don't trust anyone it seems :)

i just deleted a lot trying to figure out what i'm trying to say...that's rare.

i dunno...being a skeptic is interesting. on so many levels i can't even pick an avenue to describe it. being with tammy (hey tam look away! i'm going to talk about you!!! ;) HAS made me realize more about myself than anyone in my life...family exempt. ironically, the reason is because i'm so comfortable with her that i'm not afraid to ask about things i don't quite understand or *cringe* agree with. looking back i don't think that's really ironic. i'm sure you could've seen that coming. i could never be a journalist. i just like the word ironic, damnit.

oh god, i'm...fuck...what's her name. alaniss morisette! fuck!

back to my point. some people applaud me for questioning the world around me, some laugh, some thrash, some go *thhhhbbbppptttttttt* (stick your tongue out, close your lips around it, and BLOW). non of this "plllltttt" bullshit. who the fuck ever thought that was the otomotopia for that sound? sidenote, i once bet my mom either $5 or $20 that i would remember otomotopia, alliteration, and personification for the rest of my life. definitions. spelling was never part of the deal ;)

i stuck a pin through a cockroach (we call 'em "two inchers") a few minutes ago and i'm watching the poor thing squirm.

eeeeiiiither way. tam, i hope you knew i was joking about you not reading up there. to continue, i learn different things from different kind of people. and in the end, i want to learn something from a conversation. if you don't, what's the point? i imagine i could get a lot of shit for asking that question, but i think there're people out there who'll agree. many, actually. the thing people don't always realize is that sometimes it's not just the topic of conversation that you're learning something about. heh, i remember giving my first x-girlfriend this big schpiel about how her body language never agreed with her words (this was in a letter, of course...)...and it's things like that that you can learn BEYOND the conversation. she liked poetry and liked quoting things that advocated "loving recklessly" and that "love is blind"....convenient, no? enough about the x.

as i was saying, it's not always the topic of conversation you learn things about. i think what i'm most interested in is train of thought. how people arrive at certain beliefs or ideas. how this blog as gone so fuckin' far off the map. mosters be lurking here! or something....*awkward pause*

to attempt to tie this whole thing up in a nice bundle...after 23 years, i still don't understand my mom's train of thought. she ROUTINELY surprises me with the kinds of comments she makes, and i can't figure out where she gets them. i figure looking at anyone under a microscope (nonstop for 23 years) would produce the same confusion, though. hell, looking at myself for the past 23 years (and reading through my writings in those years)...dude. WHAT the FUCK. as much as i question the world around me, i question myself 10 TIMES as much. i could've said a billion times as much and it woudl've meant the same thing...'cause it doesn't really mean anything, in the end.

i'm a raging skeptic.

i question everything.

i just hear myself talk more than you.

who's on first?


the roach stopped fighting.