albeit this time out of stupidity. i passed out after my mom and i went garage saling and turned off my alarm when in went off after an hour nap. yeah...woke up about three hours later...oh well.
so i've just been drinking my dad's beer which has more alchol than steel reserve, and tastes better. doesn't taste 'great' like his other beers usually do, got a bit of loose sugar in it that didn't get eaten by the yeast. if there's one thing i don't like in beer it's sugar. the only sweet beer i like is ass 'cause it's more of a honey taste than straight sugar. i got kinda tired of bass though...i used to drink it a lot. now my favorite beer is this local beer from kona brewing company called 'fire rock pale ale'. very heavy taste, dry (not sweet), and more alcohol than most beers ;) either way, i've had about five pints of this tuff now over quite a long time (too full to drink faster) and i'm buzzed...but not tired yet. i managed to find "the city of lost children" on tv so i'm watching that now. if you haven't seen this movie, you have to. i'll buy it at some point (if eric doesn't first). it's in french, kind of sci-fi-ish in an old school sci fi sort of way. made scientists and ass holes corrupting poor orphans and such, and "one" who's just a cool motherfucker. and there's this little girl (me and eric had this conversation) who i can't help but think is absolutely beautiful. i mean...she's REALLY young and i feel like a fuckin' pedophile, but she's just got the most gorgeous face. eric's justification and saving grace (he agreed with me) was that she'll "grow up to be really hot". helps...but i still feel like a pedophile :) i guess i can handle that. 'specially since i can't bring myself to do anything with any girl...ever.....i think it's safe.
just realized something else about this movie....there's something about the head dude not being able to dream.....what a curse. and on that tangent there's a line in one of evanescence's songs about how she can't keep an old flame out of her dreams, but "dream i do". dreams continue to intrigue me, as always. there are long spans of time when my sleep is particularly fucked up that i can't remember any of my dreams (noting that people "always" dream they say, it's just that sometimes we have trouble remembering them) and i kind of feel like i'm missing something. like, all work and no play, nowhere to be...simply...free in my thoughts. touches on another simple philosophy that i adhere to forcing me to try and deal with every thought i have. it bothers me a lot when people try to supress and avoid certain thoughts that they have 'cause they're ashamed of them or something. i on the other hand try to embrace, ponder, and understand them all. often difficult...for example....this little french girl :)
i dunno if it's the right tactic yet. it was a big problem i had with candace (making it a daily bitchbitch for now). she's done a lot of things in her life that she is almost disgusted of (not really tthat bad in retrospect). this was a big part of our downfall methinks....she refused to deal with anything. she actively tried to simply not think about these things instead. i like to tell myself, and almost entirely believe that i "didn't mind" the things that she'd done, judging her as a person (and the girli was commiting my love life to at the time), but i was really bothered that she couldn't deal with the things that she'd done. it made me think about how i, above all,strive to never regret anything. every action i make is preceeded by countless ponderings and guesses and twists of every outcome i can think of...it turns into a bit of a burden (i.e. my shyness towards women) but it's kept me out of trouble thus far. i still stand by all the decisions i've "made", but maybe not all the decisions i avoided making....like not doing something and missing an opportunity.
i've kind of dug myself into a maze...i'll try and make sense of this. so with candace...the big problem i had wither her not standing by her decisions was that i felt like i, when i was with her, would put myself into a position to be steamrolled by one of her dumb decisions and adversely affected by something she only half thought through. in a few words, i COULD NOT TRUST HER. mainly, i couldn't trust her ecisions because she had no sense of responsibility to them. actually, i'll at least offer her some dignity and say that i didn't think i could trust her, blah blah blah. i touched on it with her and she tried to justify that it was something like parts of her life she'd like to forget...but they seemed to all be based on the same approach to life....and i felt like i was just another. who knows, i could've been wrong. she was under a lot of pressure when she was with me (pressure from things in life that had nothing to do with me), and i wasn't helping any of that being, simply, the person that i am....unwavering, cold at times, and stubborn (redundant too, at times).
so back to the basis of this whole thing. i don't bar thoughts from my mind. if something hurts, i think about it more *shrugs*. more masochism i suppose. i still think it's healthy..."whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger", right? i guess we'll see. i'm not proud of a lot of the things i think, and i am embarrassed and almost disgusted by some of them...but my justificiation is that i have no control over them. i can try to forget them, deny them, avoid them, or just fail to acknowledge them...but i can't control them. they're there. that's why i like dreams, because i have even less control over them...i don't even have the control to deny them. let's make a point with an interesting story, shall we? i once had a dream about a male friend of mine.....but in the dream, he wasn't a dude. we were at a party, he (she) hit on me, i look down and he's (she's) naked with the wrong plumbing. after remembering that dream i seriously considered homosexuality, kind of testing myself. very quickly, however, i was happy to find that the dream was something other than an indication that i was gay :) gay porn just doesn't do it for me. yeah, yeah, i've seen some in my life. more than i would've liked to see i found in the women's med kit though.....
so yeah, "keeping an open mind", to me, is sometimes MOST challenged by my own psyche. ironically keeping an open mind is what prevents me from letting many girls near me in 'that way' because if i do...i'll probably nver forget them. and when the time comes that i want to devote myself, mind and body, to one woman....i don't want her to be just another jar on the shelf.
the other alternative is to just hook up with so many girls that i can't keep track anymore.....*shrugs, innocent face* for sake of love? ehh???
yeah i'll work on that one. i'll shut up now
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