lindsay

i just dream blobbed a dream about lindsay i had last night....weeee. if you don't feel like reading it, basically, she hit on me, we ended up makin' out, i ASKED myself in the dream if it was real, "realized" that it really was happening, told her that, and resumed. subconscious is a scary devil...

i felt like i'd found something i'd lost years ago.

for those of you who haven't followed my blob since the beginning of time, lindsay was my first girlfriend, my senior year in high school. i'd been in love with her since eighth grade and our last year together, she finally went for me. it lasted three months, somehow. amazing considering it was riddled with anxiety and miscommunications. we never even made out....she gave me ample opportunity but i'd never kissed a girl before, everytime i had a chance i'd think too much before the opportunity had passed. she wasn't in the mood to being the most patient girl in the world for me, and i smothered her with everything else....so she dumped me.

regardless...everytime i blob about lindsay i wonder to myself if it'll be for the last time. she's not really a part of my life anymore and every time i TRY and bury her, something comes up. for example, at least THREE TIMES (not exaggerating at all) i've deleted her from my buddylist...and she inevitably IM's me THEN to get no away message and realizes that i've taken her off....at which point she (playfully) scolds me. then there was yale cup...i never know when/where tourneys are but when i heard about yale cup (probably a week before it was) i immediately thought of her, and IM'd her to see if she wanted to meet up, and she wanted to try even though she'd be busy....and i forgot her phone number in the dorm so i couldn't call when we were there...oops. i apologized later and we talked a bit, but that was it.

aaaand so i come home...i see her at kaipo's party and feel (try to feel?) nothing....so i figure THIS time...it's over in my head. and then my subconscious saves the day to strike me again with a stake through the heart.

everytime.....i hope it'll be the last