PURE anger.
we had ultimate tonight in one of the more shadier places you can find "in town" on o`ahu...and it makes the third week in a row that we had problems with the local wildlife. palolo valley district park...full of life and year round rain and beautiful hikes....and somehow (i don't know the history) home of some of the dirtiest projects i've ever seen in hawaii. every fuckin weekend we get some group of assholes walking through our games and trying to be the shit. tonight there weren't many, but one kid took a liking to us and started some arguments....for the most part we ignored him. later in the night i hear the sound of busting glass.
i look up to the parking lot and see some kid standing next to my x-girlfriend's car and hear th esound again i stand there very conspicuously and stare...he throws his hands up at ME in disdain as i ask my other friend mike if he heard the same thing. i yell at the biggest friends i see near me to follow us as mike and i run up to the parking ot. they run into the projects, jumping a fence, mike follows, we for the moment protect the cars. with no threat two of us wander into the projects and find one kid who threatens us for simply being there. oddly enough all the elders in the vicinity are already ashamed of their children. we walk away, we know the cops are coming, and the same kid threatens my friend mike just as a cop pulls up. kid is patted down and arrested. at least eight more cop cars show up within minutes and another kid is arrested accused of threatening one of us beforehand (mentioned earlier).
two hours later of filling out police reports and geting stories straight, i finally leave for a friend's birthday party i was supposed to be at hours ago. dry for a drink....i didn't get enough...and here i am at home just (and this is why i'm writing) lying in bed half drunk and angry thinking about all the things i could've done to these dumb disgraces to their fathers. what's an ankle worth? what's a wrist worth? i'm no stranger to knee injuries....i know how to fracture a vertebrae. would these kids' friends stand by their "friends" while their ankle was about to be broken? would these dumb kids think twice about their "gang" once their friends left them to have their ankle broken?
and lying there two minutes ago i wish i'd caught one of them. i wish i'd hurt one of them. i wish i could look one of them in the eye and ask them what was important in their lives. i wish i'd had a knife. i wish i'd had a gun. i wished i had all the power i despise...just to teach one kid in a disrespected community what life meant to him. and what it meant to me.
i've never been in a real fight in my life. the last time i wanted to hit someone...and hurt someone...it was taking care of a drunk idiot who i later realized wasn't worth a shit. in trying to help him he somehow gets offended and insults me. two people who i thought were MY friends turn against me on his behalf because they're afraid of him.
cowards.
i left......and cried my eyes out when i'd realized how angry i was. how much i'd wanted to hurt someone. how much i'd wanted to go against everything i believe in. and hurt. and feel power. and stand over someone and tell them i was right. to right th e world...and i cried. i cried with hate. i cried with disappointment. i cried with disdain. i hated another part of teh world. i lost respect for another part of the world. and i hated doing it. it made me sad. and i cried in anger.
and i didn't cry tonight. i laid in a lit bed in silent room and ground my teeth thinking what i could've done to make these kids HURT. to make their friends hurt. to make their parents hurt. to make their brothers hurt. to make them realize that in the end nothing matters but what's inside. and the decision to break a window of a strangers car isn't going to help anyone. ever. and one day they'll be the ones who're feeling fucked. that one day they'll be the ones who draw the last straw. that one day they'll be the ones hoping for someone to care about human decency. and i hope they burn. two kids were arrested. KIDS. and i want to meet their parents. i want to see how they got this way. i want to see what their elders do about it. i want to see if i can change it. i want to see if i can't change it. i want to see what the only people who might love this kid think about him....and i want to see what they think about me.
and i want blood. i want them to suffer. i want them to know that everyone on earth can be their brother. i want them to know that the world can be their friend. or i want blood.
and i hate feeling that.
