limp bizkit - boiler
creep

poker tonight: down a buck or something, up like SIX bucks, and ended down 55 cents. goddamn you tao.

i was doing just fine until raj died and i went head to head w/ tao and just got CRAP cards. i got 4,5 twice...a 10,2...crap crap. i went on straight draws a few times...but that didn't work. eh...sometimes the cards just don't come out.

odd day. seemed really long and empty. practice was fun...although the wind was destroying EVERYONE. i made some pretty badass hucks, though. including a three quarter field THUMBER to mark dean :) that was cool.

meanwhile my twenty yard hammer pull into the wind was not.

and look, i'm actualy tired before 5am! i think i'll watch some tv. missed wings already. or maybe i'll watch some hellsing. you don't care.



back.

fenix tx - ordinary world
tools

so, bored out of my mind and with nobody else to do anything with, i decided to play some guitar. as it was 1am, i ddin't wanna make any noise so i make this little mess of chords with my stereo, a broken 4-track (the mixer still works but the tape's dead...christian gave it to me), liu's amp, a pair of headphones and my guitar. basically the point is to mix my stereo w/ the guitar from the amp so i can play with music...quietly.

either way....it doesn't work. so i try everything out, turns out one of the phono cables is busted....so i pull out the soldering iron i bought for things like this. i had to go rummage to find a third phono chord as well...then i had to find the power source for the mixer...*shakes head* madness. so i finally get it working, but my guitar keeps clicking in and out. turns out the plug in my guitar is loose. so i go find a wrench, a pair of pliers, and a screwdriver to fix that....and it turns out the nut was cross-threaded for pretty mcuh the life of guitar....oh well. so i fix that...get a shard of steel from the stripped nut stuck in my thumb (which still hurts)....and now it's nice and tight :)

i'm so glad i have tools around....and i'm really glad i'm playing again. it's a lotta fun :) 2 hours of free entertainment and more insomnia. fuckin' a (i can't sleep after i play guitar...go figure).


fuzz

jack johnson - bubbly toes
fruits of my toils

so here's what happens when i procrastinate horribly:

i end up having a guest speaker and no hw due today.

unfuckingbelievable!

Ralph DJ - one million miles away
ow, ow, ow

so ever since the winter league party i haven't gone to sleep before 5am....bleah. i keep forcing myself up at weird hours so i'm not getting enough sleep at 'night'...then of course i need a nap and i gotta force myself up AGAIN so i don't end up waking up wide awake at 11pm....so yeah. all kinds of fucked up.

i've taken to watching 'wings' at 3 and 3:30am. it's a tv show that used to air on usa (now it's on nick at nite) that for some reason just really gets me :) always makes me happy to watch it. once again, the characters are just adorable. unfortunately these episodes have been coming with a headache as well....i'm definitely not the 9-foot, bulletproof teenager i used to be. this life isn't doin' it for me anymore.

this semester is going to go really fast...and i'm getting very close to fucked as far as jobs go. i should really get on that but i seem to be booking up my weeekends and nights with too many fun things (like wings!)....mainly with ultimate and my brother being in town for the past two weeks. i only have four classes, BUT, as tao and i were discussing, that doesn't mean that's four classes i have the time to do good in. instead it's more motiviation to do NOTHING because instead of fuckin' up six classes, now i'm only fuckin' up in four. my second semester sophomore year...i had twenty one credits....AND a depressed girlfriend....and somehow i was a MACHINE. i did all my work...learned a fuckin' shitload....and managed to sleep the least in my entire college career (er...girlfriend...yeah). note to self...don't ever date another insomniac again....

this headache's bordering on migraine quality....one'a those that's just a sitting ball of pain...like a spike through my right eye all the way to the back of my head. might be from staring att he computer screen lerning VHDL for embedded systems. i fuckin' hate computers. i'd say it's about 85% done. what we need to finish can probably be done in a few lines of code that we just can't figure out the syntax for...probably just an email that needs to be sent to the TA's.

i need a vacation.



jazz

fenix tx - ordinary world (cover)
virus'

new virus goin' around called 'mydoom.f' which does everything that winmg.exe virus i wrote about earlier did, but ALSO shuts down the fuckin' task manager! they're getting better *cringes*. i haven't encountered it myself and don't know if my safe mode fix will work on this one as well, but someone in security said go to http://www.sysinternals.com and get their process explorer which apparently allows you to end the ugly processes and then you can update virus defs and whatnot. fun shit.

in other news, visiting netstat, my blog came up as the fifth or sixth google hit for 'winmg.exe'....interesting. austin once warned me to, "watch out, you're in danger of learning something." when i was talkin to him about some ticket. since i started working for acis junior year...i always felt like i knew jack shit but could still do the job because there are only so many things i have to know how to do *shrugs*. somehow, though, my boss really ended up liking me and giving me lotsa work and then this year...the busted computers are always virus'....wheras before most of the tickets i got were a simple release/renew on the IP or a busted jack....i think i got ONE virus ticket last semester and i was just told to reformat the drive *shrugs*....but now i'm getting really interested in these bastards. what gets me (i was talking to my bro about this) is that this isn't like...a natural disaster or anything. for every one of these virus', some jackass at MIT bored out of his mind and too chaffed to jack off anymore decided to piss off a few thousand people by fucking with their computers. i'm pretty sure they should all be shot.

but hey, makes for interesting work...PAID work. i really do love getting paid to let a virus scan run....

too bad i'll probably never use anything i learn once i graduate...*sigh*



boing.

rufio - don't hate me
four letter words

Nephratari 1 (5:54:33 PM): mine was fatt asss
The Firephile (6:54:55 PM): how fitting : )
Nephratari 1 (6:55:19 PM): it should be, you came up with it >:}
The Firephile (6:55:42 PM): heh
The Firephile (6:55:47 PM): not all of my ideas were 'fitting'
Nephratari 1 (6:56:05 PM): very true
Nephratari 1 (6:56:20 PM): but i guess you can be excused
Nephratari 1 (6:56:27 PM): you did sillier things that night
The Firephile (6:56:47 PM): ahh, i was spectacular
Nephratari 1 (6:58:27 PM): mmm that's putting it mildly
The Firephile (6:58:55 PM): *bows*



the rest of the list so far:

me - fuck asss
max - team slut
baldwin - cock love/love cock
mary - loud fuck
glass - poon arse
tao - cock fuck
cat - poon haus
sasha - anal dick
corey - shit cunt
burger - fuck this
penny - jump redd
austin - smrt tits (w/ bullsye on nipple)
liu - jail bait
eric - eyes lick
eunji - dumb slut
muppet - fatt asss
grace - slut d (she didn't let me finish 'drnk')


for those of you who have no idea what the fuck i'm talking about, i started writing pairs of 4-letter 'words' (i use the term loosely) on everyone's knuckles at the party w/ a red sharpie i brought for eric to get back at garrett for writing on eric's drunk, passed out face at the valentine's party...you have no idea how happy i was with myself :) i got almost EVERYONE on the team....the only people who turned me down were sai, sai's friend (i think) and half of grace (see above). buncha' wimps. haha.


oh and i got naked. in case you haven't noticed. i wore one of rachel's bras (stuffed)....and dude, that underwear is NOT comfortable. wtf.


landshark

black eyed peas - where is the love
what he said

mmm....pretty fuckin' epic. it was kind of interesting to start...seemed like just another party. it got pretty crowded and people talked a lot all night. i like when that happens. non eed for games and boat races and all that...people just talkin' and havin' a good time. but yeah, eventually the quarters won drunkenness and the boat races began :) always fun.

i got naked. i drew on people. and i got drawn on. what more do you need in life?

slept about nine hours and woke up tired and in pain (from playing that afternoon) but without hangover...that was pleasant. never really woke up, though. i was gonna go out with vaness and lewis but vaness got busy and lewis must be as well..haven't heard from him. so i'm just gonna hang out methinks. i COULD do some work...but yeah...i don't think that's gonna happen.

i got 'moonlight mile' for free from columbia house. it's a movie i really really like w/ dustin hoffman, susan sarandon and jake gyllenhaal. didn't get much publicity but it's very nicely done. i've been very attracted to movies that have good characters....almost exclusively. plot, action, humor, whatever. if the characters are good i'll like it almost regardless of the rest of it. that's why i liked firefly. the story's pretty cool but the characters just had so much depth to them. maybe actors and writers are just getting better and learning how to pack as much content into such little time by using every instrument they have at their disposable (nuances, guess). i'll prolly watch moonlight mile sometime tonight. the tv's been taken over by the simpsons...yet again. bleah.


good weekend

evanescence - everybody's fool
we win

good fuckin' party...i'm trashed...tired....AND we won....

truth

evanescence - everybody's fool
perfect by nature

spoots spoots the magical fruits, the more you eat the more you....spoots.

sorry, i thought of that reading your comment :)


either way, long week, all done. did some work for acis...encountered like four new virus'/attacks....pretty mean bastards. this last one was especially sneaky. it was a worm called 'winmg.exe' that closed norton within seconds (max 7), closed the registry edit within seconds....defeated norton live update...it was really amazing. deleting it manually did no good 'cause the registry key would reload it on a reboot. tricky bugger, but i finally got it out in safe mode. this was rachel's computer, btw...

so yeah, long week, but the work got done eventually....and i've already had two hangovers. yaay.

winter league party tomorrow night. i'm going to attempt vitamin b as hangover prevention. we'll see how it goes.


over and out

evanescence - hello
hungover

i knew it was a bad fucking idea...but i did it anyway. drank THREE PINTS of some nappy ass burgundy wine out of a THREE LITER glass jug that goose brought.

and this was after three beers....we ran outa' beer.

damn i was fucked up...but i made some money back *shrugs* (poker: -$3.70)

quite the hangover....



falling forever

jack johnson - "when he's not drunk he's only stuck on himself"
goddamn quizilla

i'm a sucker for these, this one courtesy of the crackerjack:


You are a PHOENIX in your soul and your
wings make a statement. Huge and born of flame,
they burn with light and power and rebirth.
Ashes fall from your wingtips. You are an
amazingly strong person. You survive, even
flourish in adversity and hardship. A firm
believer in the phrase, 'Whatever doesn't kill
you only makes you stronger,' you rarely fear
failure. You know that any mistake you make
will teach you more about yourself and allow
you to 'rise from the ashes' as a still greater
being. Because of this, you rarely make the
same mistake twice, and are not among the most
forgiving people. You're extremely powerful and
wise, and are capable of fierce pride, passion,
and anger. Perhaps you're this way because you
were forced to survive a rough childhood. Or
maybe you just have a strong grasp on reality
and know that life is tough and the world is
cruel, and it takes strength and independence
to survive it. And independence is your
strongest point - you may care for others, and
even depend on them...but when it comes right
down to it, the only one you need is yourself.
Thus you trust your own intuition, and rely on
a mind almost as brilliant as the fire of your
wings to guide you.You are eternal and because
you have a strong sense of who and what you
are, no one can control your heart or mind, or
even really influence your thinking. A symbol
of rebirth and renewal, you tend to be a very
spiritual person with a serious mind - never
acting immature and harboring a superior
disgust of those who do. Likewise, humanity's
stupidity and tendency to want others to solve
their problems for them frustrates you
endlessly. Though you can be stubborn,
outspoken, and haughty, I admire you greatly.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla


***************

i like it!

jack johnson - dead people
omg

so like...two years ago or something when i started buying dvd's (probably less than that) i put down a notification alert w/ amazon when quantum leap and northern exposure came out on DVD....and they just sent me emails saying they're both coming out!!!!

i'm so psyched. these are two series' that i grew up on, so cool. northern exposure is just this hometown show about alaska, and quantum leap is dr. sam becket travelling through time, "trying to make right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap....would be the leap home. his only guide on this journey is al....."

i'm psyched.

too bad i'm fuckin' broke..haHA!


poker: -2.35

psets: -2

sleep: hah.



bootao

temptations - my girl
descending into the shadows

feel like dropping off radar for some reason. *shrugs*

either way, i was staring at the chalkboard today in class loking at a bunch of math i really didn't wanna write down...and found myself thinking about what the hell i'll be doing in about four months now...or three....i don't wanna count. one thing i decided is that i probably won't be doing disgusting integrations that eleftheriades was doing on the board.

my little predicament involves coming to columbia university....and now that i'm a senior i'm finding i could be happy for the rest of my life doing something i could've learned in a trade school doing night classes or something. funny how that happens. is the degree gonna help me approach it differently? or am i just going to go into these jobs completely overprepared but unmotivated to work harder? or will i be able to bring a different perspective to that kind of job?

the jobs i'm thinking of involve music production/recording/staging...shit like that. i could be a very happy man just playing with recording equipment all the time...or putting together shows. my internship at scharff/weisberg was putting together rental packages of staging equipment...that was fuckin' awesome. i had a great time there and they were pretty flexible about me playing with stuff once in a while (i just took a long time testing them). the thing is all that shit can be done with a manual and a years' experience....i don't know if going into something like that would just be a springboard or a dead end.

so of course i stare at the blackboard and decide i don't wanna learn the math right now. i'll learn it from the manual.

i'm good with manuals.

can you give me a manual?


OBE

gorillaz - tomorrow comes today
detatched

erased a bunch'a dead blogs, sorry guys, too long. gimme a buzz when you're back but i hate useless links. i added goose, too....who's only linked on spoots' as far as i can tell so this way i don't have to keep going to spoots' to check goose's....although i'll check spoots' anyway...i just wanted to say spoots a buncha' times.

i do the same 'cleaning house' thing with my buddylist...and it just gets smaller and smaller. i don't think that's a bad thing, though, since half the time i feel like i'm just buggin' people. so don't get offended if you IM me and don't get an away message back, unless you're a freshmen. or maybe you should get offended anyway :) got the balls to try? (doesn't take much...and you probably shouldn't give a shit anyway).

updated the music gracing my speakers lately as well. austin, you're fired from ever touching my computer ever again. i have like...twenty copies of asia's "in the heat of the moment," a shitty ass copy of 'santeria', some other ass crap that doesn't work....jesus. you suck.

meanwhile that gadget of yours did prove to be pretty cool...although i still a long RCA cord would've been much more economical :) but i'm sure the fun you have with it more than makes up for the economy of it. of course since it seemed only my computer worked with it...the entire party was subject to the highlights of MY playlist :) poor bastards. dave came out the next morning and the black eye'd peas' "where is the love" was on MTV and he's like..."man, you guys played this song like EIGHT TIMES last night." probably 'cause i kept blacking out and forgetting i'd already heard it.

feeling really detatched from the world lately...been doing a lot either on my own or in big groups...interesting social life. a bit empty.

and i have no motivation to work, either. so much i COULD be doing right now...but i'm gonna sleep instead. did laundry today (i have clean underwear!!!)....that's enough productivity for one day.



"a beach is a beach"
-some photographer on the 40th annual SI swimsuit special on spikeTV


beach.

system of a down - aerials
boing boing boing

bouncy bouncy bouncy

it was a good weekend. my brother's in town, as some of you noticed at winterleague (he thought he'd come by and see how crazy we were), that was nice. his comment to my sister later was that, "yeah, made a bunch of really long throws all th eway into the endzone." he neglected to tell her that like, two of them were caught all day....i was throwin' big floating dookies yesterday.

and i got a shitload of dookie all over me throughout the day. by the end i as closer to wearing a dark shirt if you looked at me from the front...maybe that's why nobody threw to me. haha. better off.

i had a great time at the party...except for that time i puked....and then that time i was trying to sleep and at least three people dragged me out of bed to party more....and one of them smacking my lip leaving a big cut and making hotwings very difficult to eat. so i went to great jones to get hotwings last night. i DO remember asking why i should be getting up and somebody told me that the party would die without me. that made me feel really good :) much as i didn't believe it. i just start the parties....i don't think i do a whole lot to keep 'em going. that's all 'you.'

and once again some chick passed out in my bed. that happens a lot....either way i shoved her into the wall 'cause she was hoggin' the bed and she didn't like that so she left :) i'm a snake charmer, aren't i.


good times. i guess i should clean this shithole eventually....



goodlife

jack johnson - moonshine
notes

i've taken to keeping a notepad file on my desktop that i write shit i have to do in the 'next couple of days' type thing. i erase them as i go through....

i've never been one to write 'to do' lists or anything...calenders and shit...i dunno i always felt better about myself just knowing and not having to read it somewhere.

but yeah...i got over it. am i less of a person now?

it does make me feel better about myself that i regularly swear at myself.



rainbow

thicker than water
boyoyoyoyoyooooiiing (say it REALLY FAST!)

so last night was nice. celebrated eric's 22nd at (big surprise) cottage :) have birthday, little dude. it was nice.

afterwards we went to he and rachel's place, they played pictionary, me and don sat back and laughed, i drank more.

then as the party started dying down (nodoby was too interested in drinking or anything) we sat down for poker. to make a long story short....i eventually had bought in FOUR TIMES, meaning 20 bucks down. and i did it -20 twice (going all in on desperation hands).....and amazingly i ended the night only 3.70 down! i was psyched. i made 16.30 after losing 20. not a bad night! don hates me. i took five bucks from him on the last hand when i flopped a set of 6's (i had pocket) and turned a full house to his three of a kind. all in both sides, and i burned him. seriously, there was ONE card in the deck that could've saved him (the fourth 5).

score.

my blood flowing through me
how much can i suck?

jesus fuckin' christ with a dead baby to garnish...i am sucking SO much today. nothing really important, however, which just makes it PAINFUL.

so today started out last night...when i started a reading/coffee/powernap/study binge to cram all the crap i neglected by playing poker on monday night instead. so i'm reading, i'm coffeeing, i'm napping...and around 10am...i realize that i don't even FUCKING HAVE CLASS TODAY...it was moved to friday 'cause my prof's at a convention.

fuck. i could've slept.

so instead i fuck around...finish my pset just before it's due (for another class)....and i go and turn it in. right when i get back steiner calls me to take me up on an offer to play racquetball. so i walk BACK out...past math where i just turned in my pset...and down to dodge.

what do we find? little kids learning squash and taking turns getting tutored, or something. that's all i could figure out...'cause there were a million bags, kids on tables everywhere, each with a grown up tutor....and tables IN THE BACK RACQUETBALL COURT with kids and tutors...and six courts with some other kids playing squash.....so yeah....no courts.

SO I COME BACK HOME AGAIN. what a piece of shit day. no tthat it's stressful at all...i just made my life one giant pain in the ASS!

grr.

i'm gonna watch some firefly.


bug.

rufio - countdown
mouth of death

so i attacked the mouth of death with some godawful proof isporpyl i got from corey last semester....ugh. fyi, the mouth of death is my STINKING fridge...i let eric use it over the summer and for some reason something started growing in it. he already explained that he couldn't figure out what it could've been *shrugs*

either way...i was immediately forced from my room 'cause i couldn't fuckin' breath. i got most of the mouthwash smell out of it (that was my last attempt) and i'm pretty sure that now there's just three overpowering smells coming out of this thing. jesus...what the hell. i sprayed all over in all the corners i could get to and sopped up the excess...and i turned it off and i'm gonna let it stew for a bit. if this doesn't work i'm gonna get a box of baking soda and cram it into every hole i can find...maybe that'll work.....

for now it's just a glorified monitor stand....waste of fuckin' space. i probably should've turned it off months ago, but yeah i'm a bad person. oddly enough the smell doesn't necessarily get WORSE when it's warm, either. who knows.



DEATH

starting line - left coast envy
year

i realized at some point today that this here blob is just over a year old : ) just checked and i started it on january 28, 2003. interesting. too lazy to check my netstat count but it's higher than i would've expected. thanks for visiting ; )

suckers.

haha, i'm just kidding. as much as i say i do this just to write, i really do love the attention. live for it, sometimes. i'm just an attention whore. actually, attention SLUT...i don't ask for repayment. just like to see you smile...or...give me that funny, confused look with your head cocked to the side. i like that too.

okay i'm going to either study now or watch more firefly...


saphron!

jack - bubbly toes
d'oh

pretty comical but slightly unsettling observation was brought to my attention last night thanks to eric....

every girl-friend i have outside of ultimate? yeah...i hooked up with all of them.

thinking back i'm pretty sure that's why i started talking to them in the first place, so it shouldn't surprise me...but yet it did. heh heh, interesting. should i be worried?

even funnier is that my 'ultimate slate' is still void of hookups :)


pretty sure i give up. i lose. haha



la da dada da da

starting line - best of me
huge tool

along those lines of this blob being my vessel for self-deprication....friday up at hunter during lunch britney spears' new single "toxic" came on....and it was at that moment that i had to admit to myself that i do in fact like that song....

especially when it was stuck in my head for the next FOUR HOURS snowboarding.

i am a huge tool.

but i stand by my opinion. it is a cool song. and she is GODdamn hot in that video. even if i can't stand her face.



argg

all-american rejects - one more sad song
spread my wings

snowboarding was fuckin' AWESOME this weekend. school-organized trip to hunger for friday/saturday. me and steiner went and my friend ana and her friend bryn were there as well. i'll keep it short

first day was NASTY. we got there late 'cause our bus driver got lost and almost slid backwards down a hill....that was fun. finally got up to hunger and there was a windstorm on top of chunky sleet. the upper lifts were closed, and soon the medium lift was as well so only the bunny hill was open. which was really nice snow...but the run lasted a minute at most....heh. we decided to eat lunch and when we came back out...the wind had stopped! amazing. they reopened that medium sized lift and we tore it up, it was cool, but short runs.

the next day (saturday) the weather was BEAUTIFUL, with even some fresh snow comin' down most of the day. everything opened up although all the black diamonds and doubles had nasty, nasty snow. chunky and bumpy and really hard on a snowboard. we stuck to blues most of the day, but later found a SWEET black diamond called east river drive or something that we'd ride to the terrain park and fuck around there.

i'm officially an IDIOT now, as i've started hitting jumps...with a broken back...haha. not to mention i'm going fast enough now that i could tear my head off if i did something stupid. but yeah...still got my head on, my back's fine. got a nice big bruise on my ass from one bad jump, though. other than that i impressed even myself! i can only do like a little grab off the jumps, but just the fact that i'm comfortable jumping now is fuckin' awesome. i'm seriously gonna kill myself one day.


god i love snowboarding. i approach it like surfing, though. everyone else kinda just chills roughly in the middle of the trails...but i all up the both sides just pumping up and down the side bank of the trail like i'm riding a frozen wave. it's a lotta fun....kept trying to see how high i could get up and how hard a turn i could cut at the top without losing an edge, face planting, and sliding down the bank....haha. always went down laughing, at least. i was always looking for shit to smack or hop off or spray....*shrugs* it's a frozen wave.



glide.

jack
new dream blob up

long one, but the scariest nightmare i've ever had.

jack johnson
sleeeeeep

goddamnit i wanna go back to sleep....but i have a ticket at 'noon' and i just called the guy and he's not in his room. bastard.

i'm hungthefuckover....again. i don't know why, either, we didn't drink THAT much. that bar nectAr was pretty cool. very nice setup. bit expensive, though. my sis got tired eventually (tired of buying me and austin drinks, hah) so she left and me and austin went to this place called 'rodeo' at some other girl's suggestion...looked shitty so we went to a pub instead. then another pub, where i beat austin at darts. it was a really fun night :) got to see my sis, got to try out three bars, and had some nice long talks with austin. always fun :)

i'm getting old....i get hungover so easy these days

well...i guess it would've been a bit better had i just slept better...but that's not happening 'cause of this stupid ticket....where is he!?


sexy

three discs of jack johnson
<----look that way!

so i just finished my pset for sound and hearing. i'm going to math to turn in a pset for a class i'm skipping right now, then to sound and hearing for a double class, and then i'm done for the week! weeee! we finished our embedded lab early and that's in, and class is cancelled for tomorrow, so i'm going out tonight with my sis to some bar called necter to celebrate groundhog day *shrugs* whatever. we don't have groundhogs on hawaii. in fact, we don't even have seasons in hawaii.

thursday me and austin are going to see christian at the continental (check the 'hello nurse' link at left) then see where the night takes us. friday? i dunno. possibly postcrypt. then saturday-sunday is snowboarding! i'm psyched.

i'm in a really good mood right now...skipping class promotes hapiness.

i'm gonna go pay my cell phone bill now....so overdue, hah....oops.


harmonica

jack johnson
something

new partial theory on why i'm such a social delinquent.

in light of new conversation (don't ask) i'm reminded how timid i am to express my thoughts about people. when i was younger (here we go again, how many times have i blobbed about this?) i really didn't talk to anyone. i kept to myself, judging everyone from my quiet little corner on the playground finding solace in studying sugar ants and how they dealt with massive piles of dead friends.

when i started actually trying to be friendly i found that there aren't many people that i really REALLY like. i'm not one of those people who just loves everyone and tries to be the best friend i can to them. if i don't like you, i probably don't even talk to you much (for those of you worrying right now). i don't like talking about it, but i won't lie. i try as hard as i can not to lie....ever.....something something ghandi (above).

haha, funny quote i just remembered by jack nicholson (sp?): "you only lie to two people in your life. your girlfriend, and the police."

back to me sucking. despite how much i talk about 'telling the world everything' and such on this pitiful blog, i've made the distinction many times between action and thought. going back into my weak philosophy on the basis of this blog, the panopticon forces your actions to adhere to your percieved idea of morality in the society you're in (feel free to flame me, i like learning). i purposefully don't include ALL my thoughts because a lot of the time i don't think voicing my thoughts is a moral thing to do. i'm not a nice guy a lot of the time. i still have to get along with the people around me, though...so they buy me beer and stuff. i still like people to know who i am, though....and this blog helps that. believe it as much or as little as you like, to each his own.

i knew where this was going but my mind's all over the place at the moment. where i WAS going was to say that i think this is part of the reason i've been feeling so out of place in the life i've lead (for those of you who've followed my blog...). i have a lot of friends right now, and an even bigger bunch of acquaintences. i don't think i'm socially equipped to handle such things. all i do is fuck shit up because....haha....hey look i'm going to join two ideas.....because my instincts and impulses don't understand shame and anger the way other people percieve them. i have very little of both. i guess i'm less of a man.

so another point i was veering towards (away from the point right above) was a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. if you want me to be that quiet little gossip friend of yours that's going to keep your dirty little secrets, don't tell me. if you really want my opinion on something or just really want me to know something serious, tell me you want me to keep it to myself. sorry to make you think of it when you talk to me, but think about it. i don't filter what goes from head to mouth a lot of the time. i assure you, right now, and however long i've had this blog and even SPOKEN before in my life, i've never TRIED to hurt someone i didn't want to hurt. not that i can remember at least. somehow, though, i let a lot slip. i try; i'm not good at it, though.

perhaps you 'expect' different of me as a human being, well i am who i am. sorry. i probably WOULD like to be your friend, but there's nobody on earth who i can get along with on ALL occasions. and i doubt there's anyone who could get along with ME on all occasions either...

i wonder if i've offended you.....

i feel dirty.



*scratches head*

nothing
nothing

pretty sure i'm dying alone.

jack johnson - brushfire fairytales
thought it'd been longer

i guess a lot's happened in the last couple days, i felt like i hadn't blogged in a while :) been havin' a lot on my plate, lately. one thing that hasn't been on my plate much is sleep....or at least large chunks of it. lots that 'half life' crap eric speaks of...


winter league was brutal today. we had our first game against the strongest team (chickenfucker) and played our hearts out...only to be defeated by twice our points and stumble into our second game on tired legs. i was playing like shit. i couldn't throw for shit. i couldn't cut for shit. i couldn't catch for shit. still had a great fuckin' time, though. that second game to universe point at a hard capped 11 and we lost on two critical drops towards the end of the game.....bah. the last one was mine....i had no energy left as i lay in the snow watching my gasping breath condense in the air before about four people picked me up to my feet. heh heh. better luck next time....

wait i'm not gonna be there next time 'cause we're going snowboarding! sweet.

oh, and the superbowl party turned out cool. i think our max was 23 people but we had a lot come late/leave early shit like that. good fun. big mess. full trash. shite.




bah.