there's another dream blob waiting (link over there somewhere)

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so, for two hours of sleep i feel quite good. spent most of last night masturbating my imagination (would you believe i meant nothing sexual by that?) when i should've been doing a pset. unfortunately between four of us there's only two books, and i wasn't really in the mood to share a book so i waited 'till my friend was done and took his book home. came home...broadened my laziness, and slept an hour....woke up at 7:30am, finished pset by 10:30am, turned it in at 11am. slept another hour, (where that dream fits in), and here i am after lunch.

liu blogged that he wasn't gonna play poker for a month, but i convinced him otherwise 'cause he's just as useless as me (and we'll be living with eachother next year...hmmm.....dangerous). he might come to play tonight, despite a lotta work and no time to do it :) ahhh....addiction.

i'm gonna call and see if i have to work now *pauses typing*

*hangs up phone* no work!!! yipee!!!

tonight should be fun. i can also put off my lab 'till tomorrow now. i'm so lazy.

dude, rock tonight (band practice), poker tonight, sleep lots tomorrow, lab (meh), and the tacos and margaritas party!!!

oh what a spectacular weekend....let's hope i survive for my 2 midterm, 1 labprep, 2pset week....ugh.

laytah sucka'

i got two coments...awww....

and kix....c'mon. you KNOW you're gonna finish your thesis. come party. it'll be an early party. and then throw a party next weekend too, 'cause you have a suite. yes!

also finding some people i didn't think even cared about me reading this...hi there :) then there's the ones who would rather me not know that they're reading this. it is my penopticon, you are entitled ;) just make sure i don't call your bluff and mark you on something you wouldn't know otherwise....

don't worry, it prolly won't happen. but stop me if you don't want to hear a story twice.

hmmm....where am i. it's almost five am and i have a pset due in six hours...haven't started...don't really want to do it but i have a midterm in this class next tuesday. i'm feeling even more lazy now after being lazy for....oooh, twelve hours or so out of this ENTIRE WEEK. i suppose i'm lucky for that much and should get to work though....meh. where else am i. i dunno, i've been making a few more long-term decisions. i spent a good part of today organizing my money (what little money i have) and helping my dad start with financial aid, still thinking about jobs and such this summer....and i DO wanna go snowboarding before spring break. although we do have another winter storm heading our way...maybe i can still go after spring break.

had an interseting problem today...i couldn't find a fuckin' photo album anywhere. i found a few but they were all like 20-40 bucks for like, forty pockets. bullshit. soooo, i came back and went online and found these like, 200 pocket ones for 7 bucks each : ) score. six bucks tax, so for twenty bucks, 400 pockets, sounds good. i've got ten rolls developed sitting right here....and another spring break coming up (3-4 rolls of film in the past....)...so i think i could use the extra space. i actually have a friend with a scanner and at some point i'll post some on my homepage, keep an eye out. i'll bring them to the next ultimate party or something for the world to see (a few saw most of them already).

i'll stop babbling.

-but you're jess

so my ultimate tacos and margaritas party is comin' along...got a dozen so far, and i'm sure more will meet us at amcaff to get rachel trashed for her 21st (last monday...). after two 'get togethers' with her not getting drunk, it's time, it's on. ultimate patied two weeks ago, and we will party again this weekend.

we had this party my freshman year and i spent a WEEK trying to piece that night together...jesus. we ended up at amcaff and there was an actual party going on....at least they were trying to have a party. it was kinda dead, but THEN WE SHOWED UP. yeah i don't remember so much about it except these flashes of looking down and seein' my hands around so many different girls' hips....heh heh....apparently i was dancing pretty good too, who'da thought. even ended up hitting on kk's high school friend for quite a while...i remember she was cute, but i have no fuckin' clue what we talked about or what her name was. oops. oh, and then leaving amcaff i decided to start running zigzags down amsterdam on our way back to campus......oh my....

all in all, good times. i hope people are ready to drink....and from the response i've been getting, i think sai put it best: "i've been needing something like this"

so....i'm really hoping that i'll get started on my homework BEFORE this weekend so that i can relax a little and concentrate on piecing this night together. and i hear there are pictures of me running around two weekends ago....NEKKID! haha. not like there's much to see, but hey, they seemed to enjoy it for some odd reason. but really, it was THIRTEEN DEGREES outside.....

we'll see if the winter league party was just a fluke or if there really is some party left in this crew. heh heh, makiko. get your ass out on friday, you know you want it. after all, you are a second year senior, might as wells splurge :) chuck'll be there.....

you hate me.

i hate you.

but you're jess

just because i want you to know how late i'm up.


write to me.

make me feel loved.

i've been getting a lotta questions/comments about my blob lately...i kind of half explained it in my earlier blobs why i was turning into this like a public diary, but, here's a shorter version:

last year in CC (contemporary civilizations, a philosophy class), the ONLY author who really changed me, or really interested me was Michel Foucault in his two books we read "Discipline and Punish" and "The Birth of the Prison"

here's part of the conversation i had explaining it to an unnamed friend (just protecting his sn)


The Firephile (11:46:57 PM): he's actually the only author in that entire course that really changed anything i thought
The Firephile (11:47:01 PM): (granted i barely read anything)
The Firephile (11:47:22 PM): but he wrote about something called the 'penopticon', which originated as a prison scheme
The Firephile (11:47:40 PM): a dougnut shape with a tower in the middle, so all the cells can be seen from the middle, the man
The Firephile (11:48:18 PM): and it was so much lack of privacy that they proposed to invite the public to see the prisoners and everything, but the prisoners couldn't see inside the tower
The Firephile (11:48:23 PM): or even if anyone was in the tower
The Firephile (11:48:33 PM): BUT, they were forced to act as if there WERE someone watching them, always
The Firephile (11:48:50 PM): foucault basically applied it to society, and thought that if you take EVERYONE's privacy, everyone's still equal
The Firephile (11:49:02 PM): but they're forced to hold THEMSELVES responsible for all their actions

i'm sure i could make much more sense if i actually read it better...but yeah i'm useless. the basic gist of it is that if you think everyone's watching, you are personally gonna imprison yourself and do what YOU think SOCIETY will accept so that you can be a part of that society. therefore you are directly responsible for your actions and, moreso, the repercussions.

what really appealed to me about foucault was that he explained in much more detail and with much better justification what i try and do with my life. i'm always asking myself things like "what would my mom say if....what would my sister....grandma?" i don't like hiding things. i HATE when i have things in my head that my ego and pride can't let out, so i try not to ever do anything i can't tell the world....this is my penopticon, my prison, and my instrument of responsibility for my actions.

of course i'm still curious who's in the tower......please, comment if you have something to say :) i KNOW you're out there (i have traffic counters, heh heh, they're fun)

oh and another thing. i bitch about women far too much, i'm gonna try and ease up on that.

-but you're jess

midterm: easy, but i still fucked it up (i hate thinking about tests AFTER you're done....). i was the first to leave though.

lab prep: i still suck. did next to nothing despite spending about three hours on it.

lab: upcoming...probably going to suck since nobody ever has any idea what's going on.

tongue: burnt 'cause i was thinking about my test while eating hot soup....come kiss it for me make it better?

yeah, right.

eye: in pain because i put my contacts in the wrong solution and ended up sticking hydrogen peroxide in my eye this morning....you don't know what pain is.....omg.

makiko: i hate you.

rachel: happy birthday

comments: i have none.

you: write a comment.

fin

hey look, i have comments now....i rule : )

now you can tell me how much i suck

three hours, twenty minutes 'till midterm time. i don't think i've ever BEEN so lazy preparing for a midterm, if you can even call it that. i'm either really useless, or really confident. i'll tell you which in about five hours. i would say i'll feel better in five hours, but after the midterm i just have a shitload of other shit to take care of. about tuesday night, i can breath i gain. just about thirty six hours.....or thirty seven. considering i only got three hours of sleep (and going back for a fourth), this is gonna suck.

btw, housing decision is final, i'm graciously allowing austin to pull me into hogan B4 for my senior year. i was in the process of other plans with eric, but i felt like i needed some gaurentee right now...fuck the lottery. i'd rather not think about it right now.

why am i here....

*yawn* time to try and be studious...fuck motherfuck, mother fuck fuck.

short dream blob posted

happy sunday

so i got about four IM's saying "i read your blog"....i was very happy with that :) regardless...i still wonder WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE THINKING that you actually enjoy this shit, but....the dude abides.

i get an average of about seventeen or eighteen people visiting my site (click the graph lookin' thing in the top left corner) and i didn't even know i had that many friends, so thank you all.

either way, i spent thursday night through saturday morning with steiner (eric's roomate) at his house each night, and up at mt. snow, vermont, all of friday. AMAZING. such pretty snow. and i'm not as bad as snowboarding as i thought i was. if anybody's interested in makin' a trip snowboarding/skiing sometime, gimme a buzz, i'll definately be interetsed (money willing). i love it. i have a NEED for SPEED (name that movie). oddly enoug (for all you MOTHERS out there), my back felt better when i got back then when i had left, which was very interesting. oh well...more for me :)

so, this past week (saturday to sunday) has been probably the greatest of my life. i managed to do 2/3 psets, two great parties, snowboarding, lotsa sleep and missed classes, and making two people i love cry in front of me. yay. i was having a talk with an 'older friend' of mine (hey drew) and he was saying that sometimes 'fuckups' have to be left 'fuckups'...he accepted the fact that he didn't understand all the details of my situation, but i still understand what he was saying. sometimes mistakes jut have to be left behind and learned from. in any case, i would LOVE to do that, but unfortunately in this case my 'fuckup' involves more than my 'fuckup' (get all that?).

hell, maybe you can help (the general you, you know how to reach me...although i'll get a commenting link in a bit)....what are your thoughts on 1) dating the x of a friend or 2) dating the friend of an x? i personally had both my x's approached by a friend...it didn't feel the great the first time (even when it didn't work) and it felt worse the second time (when they got together and are very happy together now). it's interseting to see the people that think it's 'taboo' and the people who are confused as to what exactly i'm bothered about. it seems like a fine line between two extremes....nobody's really lik....hmmmmm...i dunno, except makiko, 'cause she's afraid of letting anybody know anything about her (i hatechoo makiko :). one of my friends (you know who you ar) said punch him in the nuts and them buy him a beer. unfortunately that's not quite enough. as far as i know he FORGOT what happened that night last week where the three of us talked....but i'm sure candace filled him in as best she could.

intersting story comes to mind. in high school, i was always that guy (i found this out at the END of high school) that lots of girls wanted, but none of whom i would give myself to. kind of interesting considering only a FEW of the approached me....either way, because of that two conjectures emerged about me. 1) i play for the pink team, and 2) in college i'll be a fuckin' sex addict. unfortunately (for me at least), they were both wrong. i've actually considered homosexualism...seriously (laughter, laughter), but i really don't understand how a man can be considered beautiful (women, good luck). on the other hand, i've always, and still do, consider sex to be something sacred. i know the question that'll come to mind, and ask me personally if you want to know the answer. i figure it's something i'll deal with when it comes to me. so far i've managed to keep my life a 'little' less comlicated, but i've still got my share of fuckups going on in my head. it does no good.

sorry this is so long, but i'm on the end of a 'drunk' night with a lot that's been penned up in my head sleepless these past few days. when i'm drunk, i think i reach conclusions a small bit faster (days), but i'm also quick to conclusions in a way that i'll just find the easiest way out. a teacher (tenth grade and math team through high school) once told the girl who was to be my x-girlfriend (candace) "jess does what's best for jess". candace told me this, i dunno when, but it always stuck in my head. he was a smart guy (mr. fukuhara, fuks, pronounced foooks to us), and i was hurt at first when i heard that, but i soon realized that it's true. i am a selfish guy. i justify it (or at least 'try' to) by asking very little of others. if you've followed my blob from the beginning, you'll recall a convesration i had with myself about levels of trust. if i 'trust' you to know 'secrets' about myself, that's just me exposing myself to the world....but if i ask you to take care of my first born for an evening, THAT is when you know i trust you. i tend to think i ask very little of my friends but understanding. i try as little as possible to ask for favors (even from my parents), and when i do it's when i REALLY trust people and i REALLY need help. but my bigass ego always wants to do it on my own whenever possible.

i'll continue this later if it comes to mind later. i'd hate to lose fans on account of my rambling ; ) and if you got this far, tell me....um....'ugachaka uga uga' at some point and i'll give you a kiss. or just tell me 'uga' if you don't want the kiss.


-but you're jess

i wonder if people like reading rundowns of my days....*shrugs* i kind of think of it as diary. i never really had a diary until i was 'depressed' (i really don't know what i was feeling) about losing my first girlfriend. i was talking to my brother and sister about it, and they both noticed that their carefree little brother just wasn't himself, and my brother told me how writing things down made him feel better. i tried it, and i guess it did. i started writing it on my senior band trip through europe (seven countries in two weeks) which was ridden with long plane rides and even longer bus rides...so i had a lotta time on my hands. there were times she'd be sitting not more than a seat away from me and i'd be writing about her...it was an interesting feeling. i stopped writing in it for a while...but made a point to read it periodically. it's funny how i remember what i was thinking when i wrote some of those things...and even odder how i still agree with the gross majority them after all this time.....huh.

of course minus the aggression i had back then. we've since made up, but rarely talk now (she's a yaley). *sigh* why the hell did i start talking about this? well i was GOING to tell you about my day....but in an effort to not bore you, here's the short version (something interesting happened at the end...)

after being useless (read below), i get chang, kelsey, karen, austin, london, lightshow, and liu at chang's and i make them all a locomoco, a local hawaii thing which is hamburger steaks on rice, with two runny fried eggs on top, DROWNED in gravy with fried onions, and topped with a lotta ketchup. they liked it (or so they said), i was happy. and REALLY full.

came back here to be useless, after passing out while da' boys played wideo games....meh. fixed someones computer. then i went golfing : )

haha, that was a lotta fun. avi lost his disc and started using mine...lost mine too, but found it later and caught up. dude, there are places where the drifts come halfway up your thigh, it was so cool. i had my snow pants and tucked the inner part into my boots so i was trudging through everything i felt invincible. either way, on the firehydrant hole i hear a 'hey boys' from up the stairs in front of low and it's none other than matt and i'm like whoa, where you off to this late? and he's like, 'just roamin' around' and i realize...hmm....he's going to candace's. at which point i feel something burning inside me and move on...fuckin' women. i hatechoo!!!!

bah.

either way, golf was awesome. gives me a reason to use my blue disc, scored pretty good too (64). i thought that was rather amazing. my record is 62. the course record is 49? ugh.

and the part that just made my night. coming back up the elevator, after tao got off it was just me and this tall blonde girl i always thought was cute, and whenever i pass her she always looks up at me for a moment : ) so there's just the two of us and she says, "can i ask you a question?" and i smile and say, 'sure', and she asks,

"does anyone ever call you rufio?" i laugh and i just so happened to be carrying a disc branded 'rufio' in black sharpie and say 'yeah, that's my nickname on the ultimate team'. she laughs very delightfully, claps her hands and says "that's awesome, 'cause me and all my friends call you that!" and then that was my stop, i got off, and said goodnight with a smile. *shrugs* not that i expect anything to come of it, it just made me feel good. unlike other people i know (makiko i hate you), i'm amused when other people talk about me behind my back ; )

sorry so long

-but you're jess

so yeah, i was fucki'n useless today too....

i woke up at seven (sleep at four) to try and finish (start) a pset due at eleven.....yeah i woke up again at 9:30....and then at 1:30pm. yes! oh well...so much for the pset...so much for class. good thing i have a midterm in this one next monday : ) i rule.

instead i went out with chang, vicki came by, catherine came by, lightshow, judy (garland), graham, tao....yeah, it was good fun on furnald. me cat and chang made a little game of throwing the disc and a snowballs trying to catch eachother off guard. chang just kept getting hit in the ankles (right on the bones, haha), catherine's oblivious, and some other dude was feeling left out. oh well. i was getting pretty good at catching incoming snowballs and launching them back at defenseless, unsuspecting attackers. score. oh! haha, and lesser and london come walking by as we were leaving and i got a HUGE chunk of snow pile and chased them down with one clown shoe on, lobbing it with perfect aim to crumble all over lesser's poor head. i am an animal.

it was a lotta fun. especially finishing it off with some hot chocolate...mmm.

what is it about masses of fuckin' ice that makes us so lazy and playful? chang said it was 'childhood', but i hadn't seen snow until i was 17, and i hadn't seen enough snow to make a snowball 'till frosh year in college when i went SNOWBOARDING at hunter. to that, chang said 'well you're from hawaii'. *shrugs* what can i say. despite having a lotta work comin' up, a bit of a depressing situation on my shoulders, i'm fucki'n psyched 'cause i had an amazing weekend, my first snow day, and i'm going snowboarding this weekend. i RULE. you rule too. kind of.

oh and makiko did tell me a story last night after reading my blob:

kiksuave (3:08:07 AM): so i took a break from reading at our suite table, to check email
kiksuave (3:08:12 AM): and also read your blog
kiksuave (3:08:33 AM): while i'm reading, my suitemate starts having the LOUDEST orgasm
The Firephile (3:08:42 AM): lmao, omg
kiksuave (3:09:07 AM): and she or he is out there getting a drink from the kitchen
The Firephile (3:09:09 AM): that's awesome : )
kiksuave (3:09:22 AM): ...i can't get my book, and i really need to read it:-(

she sounded a bit jealous since, you know, she hit on two guys on saturday night and still went home alone. it's okay makiko, your day will come. i felt bad and invited her over but she declined. it's okay jess, your day will come.

but you're jess.....

i'm gonna start signing things like that

-but you're jess....

Blobber blobber on the window, who's the fairest blobber of them all.....

i assume i'm the only blobber, so i guess that's me *big smile*

so i had a shitty ass day. work work work...finished most of it....let my clown shoes fuck someone else's feet....and now i'm using the only teddy bear i was ever given to put under my mouse-wrist 'cause i'm always worried about carpel tunnel....

makiko i hate you.

and for some reason all mah boys are havin' some problem or other with women. what the fuck man, wassup witdat!? CUTE and CUDDLEY, that's all women have to be. is that too much to ask!?

oh yeah, but i'm jess.....is someone ever going to explain that to me?

random, random shite. talk to me, tell me a story. save me from my own thoughts, i could use a diversion right now.

yoink

oh, sidenote i forgot to mention. in my 'morning after' post i came up with the phrase 'tequila vertigo' describing the slight diziness i get (even without a hangover) the morning after drinking tequila. paintjob suggested it (and is still urging it) as a new screename (which i have reserved). but CHRISTIAN, mah man, suggested it as a bandname.

i almost pissed my pants.

if the other bandmates agree, the game is afoot.

Tequila Vertigo, how cool would we be.

so today was definately one of the most amazing days of my life. we had a SNOW DAY!!! (for those of you non-columbians...which i don't think there are many that would find themselves here...if so, gimme a hollar, i'm curious who reads this crap).

so yeah, (my daily rundown) i went to bed at 4am, woke at 6am to start/finish a pset, went back to sleep. woke up at 8am to try again (due at 11am, class). said fuck it all and went to bed w/ no alarm. woke up at 1:30pm and got the message that at 10:30am, columbia was CLOSED. so i went down to riverside to meet up with about half nypd and uptown local sledding near 108th street in a garbage bag stolen from URH (thanks duke).

so yeah, if you weren't there, you shoulda' been. i'll spare you the details 'cause you SUCK. muahaha. spent a good three hours or more out there, i dunno. i couldn't walk up the hill anymore so i stopped. back's fine though, in case you were worrying (i have like three MOTHERS on the women's team....).

highlight, i think, was the pyramid sled. me makiko and paintjob on the bottom, i think trish and lesser ont he second tier, and none but the girl who's given me the most problems in my life (candace) on top. (for the record i don't think i said more than five words to her, and less if any to matt...yeah i'm an ass). it was so fuckin' cool. of course after that i meant to do work...then after dinner i meant to do work (good pizza rach!), and then after watching 'last of the mohicans' witda remaining bunch....i've given up and i'm gonna do it tomorrow.

so yes, this is your stupid hawaiian, signing out after a day in the snow.

i love you all.

except you.

pray for another snow day! or at least some cancelled classes....


alohas

the day after a party is always an interesting event...especially when a lot happened at said party, and you DON'T REMEMBER. haha. i do remember most of last night, but it's in flashes that don't necessarily offer any chronological insight. i did spend the last few hours in my boxers because three people spilled shit on me in five minutes...and that led to me being completely naked from time to time....that's an understatement methinks. i'm sorry if you had to see that.

and i'm also going to apologize to my frank and beans right now for exposing them unprotected to the 13 degree courtyard of EC. sorry guys. and then christian threw my clothes out the window at some point...why i had no clothes on that time, i don't know. but i ran outside and grabbed them...naked.

*warning, the rest of this post is basically me crying like a little bitch about a girl. avoid it if you don't want to know about it

also had a long talk with both candace and matt after me and candace got in a little wrestling match ending with her smashing her head against a door hard enough to make her crumble and cry. she kind of attacked me, but it wouldn't have happened if i hadn't taunted her. i'm guessing (hoping?) she doesn't read this but whatever. so we talked, and got almost nowhere. in the end i just realize how much i've hurt two people i care dearly about, and despite all that, they still care for me. candace has given up on me (at my request) and matt's avoided the issue until last night and said a lot of things that i hoped he wouldn't, mainly that he wants the three of us to be okay with eachother. i can't explain, nor show the pain i went through when i pushed candace away, and every time i see either of them i am reminded of darker days. dark days pull me so much deeper than any amount of bright days can lift me out of, and there are few things that pull my spirits down. i'd rather avoid them.

i know this whole thing makes a lot of awkwardness for other friends of ours as well, and i sincerely apologize. me and candace have been through a lot, and tried over and over to fix our problems, but i gave up trying a long time ago and she didn't offer any solace otherwise. matt coming into the picture just pushed us further apart. i haven't had a real conversation with either of them in months, and when i finally do i leave one with a bruised head, and another depressed at his own party (he fell asleep after we talked, he was rather drunk). so i fucked up both their nights, and my solution was to drink as much as i could get my hands on and run around naked all night. i'm nothing but trouble to both of them and they still want to embrace me. i still push them away.

immature? yes. spoiled perhaps? yes. selfish? definately. *shrugs* that's me.


why am i posting this? i don't know. i always felt like public scrutiny helps me find what is 'right'. my own self-inflicted penopticon. i don't hide much, but not everyone wants to know some things so i usually keep them to myself. but hell, this is my blob. it's YOUR choice to be here :)

so that's whta my day's been revolving around, how are you today???

work.


chocolate

mmm...five am, winter league at noon. we played poker tonight but for some reason the cards were SO dead. weird. for the second night in a row though, i lost 5.65. also weird.

i need a girlfriend so i stop losing money....haha. of course that'll prolly just cost more. alright i need a girlfriend with few needs who will sit around being useless and watch anime with me (never going to happen)....which i borrow from my friends (liu, austin, chang, thanks) 'cause i'm too damn cheap to buy 'em myself. speaking of not having money, i also didn't go into work today (they didn't need me) so instead of getting up at like nine am, i woke up at THREE THIRTY in the afternoon. so much for starting my homework before sunday night.

for some reason i've been feeling very...reluctant to try anything new. i've been falling into the same daily routines (read: time-wasting-tactics), talking to the same people, shit i've even been listening to the same four cd's and the same winamp playlist for i don't know how long. i think i need a kick in the ass to knock me out of this comfort zone 'cause i haven't really been able to do it myself.

wanna kick me in the ass?

i mean strictly in a not-phsyical kicking type of way.

i'm really dissappointed that when i finally setup a dream blob, i haven't been remembering my dreams....fuckin' lame man. why don't you tell me YOUR dreams then?

crapulent gummy bears

and at 12:36am it is now valentines day, for the 21st time in MY lifetime. sadly only once have i done anything for this twisted holiday that wasn't a homework assignment in elementary school. the only time i've ever done anything was give my (then) girlfriend a few roses. couldn't really plan anything for her since her friend came into town....oh well. never meant much to me anyway (valentines that is). so, on the one day cupid is supposedly getting everyone laid, "da' boys" are going to watch daredevil. a ploy to ditch ze beaches? perhaps. either way, i'm game. i get no love *sob*

HAH *flicks tear in your face* like it really bothers me. *grabs kleenex*

maybe this is where this feeling has been coming from? hmm...interesting. i was kind of psyched to have a dream blob...but lately i've been sleeping too funky to remember my dreams. i wake up in the middle of them with a phone call or mis-set alarm clock and get really confused. my brother read a book once on 'lucid dreaming' (a point people can reach where you can control your dreams) and the first step is to rain yourself to remember, and be aware of your dreams. it teaches you to recognize dream and reality (a problem i've often had, much to my surprise and embarrasment when it happens...like "hey, didn't i......no, i never hook up with anyone..."). when you can recognize it in reality, you can start recognizing it in the subconscious, and when you realize you are indeed dreaming when you are dreaming, you can begin to make decisions in your subconscious world you've created for yourself. perhaps my dreams are only my interest, but i was always amused by other peoples' dreams. thoughts? i've also kind of half-vowed to myself to not leave out those details i'd rather not let people know...see how honest i can really be : )

or i'll just end up severely embarrasing myself. *shrugs* i suppose either way i'll learn something (it's a challenge).

why am i posting this?

i'll try and be more intersting next time. toodles


jawbreaker

had a nice dinner tonight witde bunch. the deflowering of the new princeton eating club actually, always fun. ended up cooking enough pasta for about two more people too, oops. i always sucked at estimating things, but now i have a plate of pasta fit for two...as long as i eat it before it spoils. shit has a habit of sitting in my fridge for quite a while.

oh, and makiko insisted on looking through my ten rolls of pictures. i want to put them in albums to show everyone at a dinner, or a party, or a dinner party (clever huh). maybe i'll do that tomorrow in between classes....although i do have a class in six hours....perhaps i'll take a nap afterwards instead ; ) they seemed to like the pics though. i guess i might know what i'm doing a bit?

for some reason i'm feeling a bit detatched.

no more work for the week, just classes...party on thursday, daredevil on friday(after work), party on saturday, work more on sunday....i think it'll make me feel better.


skittles

haha, here's how much sense i make in the morning when i wake up.

my alarm wakes me up and says 10:01. i say to myself...shit...i somehow set my alarm clock late and woke myself up right when class is starting. i think about putting on clothes, contacts, unfunking myself, and decide it is in my best interest to go back to sleep. so i set my alarm for twelve something and go back to sleep.

later i went to hammies with chang around 12:30 and we were asking eachother if the other went to class (same class)....and i tell him i woke up right at ten and decided i'd be so late it'd be useless, and he asks something like, wait what, did you need get up at 9:30? and i think about it.....and realize

class was at eleven.

i rock.

-another blabberblob by yours truly.

i started another blob called "Dream Blob", link at right. i'll try to post on this one when there's a new dream posted so you don't have to always check both. unless you wanna check both anyway 'cause you're really bored. i may forget *shrugs*. there's one very short dream (but rather long description) posted. i'd move my old dream over, but i'm too lazy.

adios muchachos

btw....compiled my poker debt tonight: -47 dollars!!! i rule

but really, it's just money *shrugs*. it's fun.

anime

so today turned into a long fucking day (it's 5am tuesday and i just finished my pset). early class after staying up late doing a pset for it, worked on a lab writeup, ate some hammies, went to lab, watched some anime, went to cottage, ate a lot, told chang to shut the fuck up numerous times (pre-21st b'day party), watched as chang got too drunk to make it to his birthday (circa 9:30pm), dragged chang back to his room, put garbage can next to bed.

then i went to the west end with karen. i didn't really want to drink more 'cause i had a pset to do, but she said she'd buy me a guinness and i can't pass that up (girls, take note). so i got back rather healthily buzzed (mmm...boxed cottage wine...), took an hour nap, started, and just finished my filters pset. madness.

hope chang's alive (i don't think he reads this gibberish), but i don't expect him to go to many classes tomorrow....not like that's a big difference.

good, productive day even in the clutches of bad alcohol, i love it.

and don't worry, i won't get into the habit of typing how my day went. sometimes it's just interesting to look back. i was thinking back to this morning and that seems SO long ago....and only a one hour nap in all of that. now tomorrow, i COULD get up in less than four hours for class...or i could skip it and sleep 'till about 3:30pm.

do the math

i'm gonna watch some anime and skip this class for the third time in a row : )


talk to me

nobody writes to their blogs quite as much as i do...should i be worried? meh

for some odd reason this gives me some type of pleasure, so i'll keep doing it. damn the man.

i've realized i write pretty depressively on these things, often just complaining about everything (a vent), but in actuality i'm a very happy boy. my parents and family have always been there for me (as long as i keep my nose clean), i don't think i've done anything to earn any very hostile relationships (minus one or two), i'm not completely broke, i'm not dying, and i'm at a great school doing wonderfully. i have very little to actually complain about but it's enver any fun bragging. okay maybe sometimes. the point is, i just like bitching 'cause it makes me feel alive. at any point in time, i can sit back, smile, and be perfectly happy with life :)

my mom once asked me (two years or so ago) what my biggest problem in life was. the answer was, and still is:

women.

she was very amused. i didn't even have to hesitate then but later i thought about it and realized how little i really have to worry about. my mom was happy that i answered with that, because i explained to her that her and dad always did what was best for their children. of course, her being my mother she wanted my life to be perfect and asked what my problem with women was and i said something like 'they're impossible'....you know the usual (beaches). either way, i figure i'm still young and don't need to go beating myself up that i can't find a good woman to call home, so i'll just drink and play poker (still losing mind you) and some ultimate when my back isn't killing me.

i'm from hawaii. it's easy to sit back and enjoy the world growing up there.


i love you all *sob*

just keep telling yourself that and visiting my blob at least ; )


alohas

so, how many of you followed my shameless self plug on the newsgroup to find me here in my own crapulence?

haha, suckers.

it's interesting to me how social humans have to be to stay sane. when i was younger (elementary school) i really didn't talk to many people. i didn't really make any real friends until the last couple years, and then we all went our seperate ways (i.e. i went to a private school) for high school. for 'recess' i'd either count ants, sleep in the classroom, or figure out whatever lesson the teacher had listed after recess on the chalk board.

i was such a geek...hah.

i was still a geek in high school, but a bit more talkative. again, i made more friends late in my high school career and learned a lot about myself. turns out i used to kinda scare people 'cause i always looked like i never wanted to talk to anyone. i have a rather solemn 'rest face' i think some have told me, or flat out angry. in actuality there were three things that contributed to it: 1) i didn't really want to talk to most people. 2) i was to shy to talk to the rest. and 3) i was usually happy just watching the world and listening to myself think. my friends at home think i've changed a lot. a lotta people here think i'm a very social, fun lovin' guy....and there's a few people who know me both ways. i act differently depending where i am (hawaii/nyc) and few people see the difference, but it's there. i suppose everyone does this and i wonder if i'm really that weird, but i just feel like it's much more pronounced in me. i mean i come from a little valley in the middle of nowhere and now i've found myself in this urban paradise....bit of a culture shock.

i don't even know how i started this, but i don't wanna go back and read it. i'm gonna watch more anime. do you like anime? we should watch anime together.


talk to me

damn, just clicked 'sign out' instead of 'post'...so i'll have to try and write this again...

more news: i got home at about 8:30am last night from poker....down 4.90 for the night. went down almost ten, went up maybe five, and then back down to end the night. shit. we had like ten people there...three and a half of which hadn't played much poker and made the game a bit slow...but whatever, the more the merrier (in the poker ring, just not all on one night).

got a message on my answering machine when i woke up today from my neighbor...apparently i'd forgotten to turn the timer off on my stereo, so it went on at 7am and didn't turn off 'till 8am playing 'rufio', this new rock band i like. yeah, he said a lotta people wanted to kill me, i feel like an ass, but i thought it was pretty fuckin' funny at the same time : ) i'll post an apology on my door i suppose.

so some stats for the beginning of this weekend:
-in the 25 hour period from 7am friday to 8am saturday, i slept one hour.
-i slept four hours before that period (see previous post)
-if i'd slept one more hour, i would've SLEPT in the same time period today (saturday) that i had WORKED yesterday (friday)...very intersting.

i really do love how i can just flip my schedule back and forth....is it a gift? or a curse?

one of my favorite 'philosophies' (if you can call it that) poses the following q/a:

q-why do dogs lick their balls?

a-because they can.

it's very simple, but very intersting to me, because there are many, many things that i know aren't good for me, or the people around me, that i do simply because i can. i drink. i sleep weird. i eat bad. i'm sarcastic. i'm cold hearted. it goes on. i think a lotta people do this and it's actually kinda sad methinks. but hell, when it comes down to it, we are but animals. rock.

mmm....sleep four hours

work nine and a half hours

sleep for one hour

comedy club for two hours

poker ensues...more news to come in....many hours.

ahh, seven am. how i love thee.....especially when i went to bed at about 3am. me. dumb. oh well, it was nice hangin' out.

4 hrs. of sleep in to 8 hrs. of work? not a problem. at least it wasn't last year. this'll be my first day of work in the new year back down at ScharffWeisberg. i'll probably sleep a bit when i get back, but what's everyone up to tonight? drew? feel like chillin' some?

email me, i'll check it every once in a while, or at the end of the day if anything.

fin

i made another blobbing appearence on drew's
blog. i made top two on his top ten cool things to do list! perhaps he was just making me feel good (thanks drew) for bitchin' and moanin' about not getting the attention i obviously deserve, but, nonetheless it's nice to hear people read (not necessarily enjoy) my blobs :)

i'm all about self-deprication. it really makes no sense though (blatant honesty en route) considering i'm rather pompous most of the time. if this makes any sense, i'm usually very confident in my ablities, but at the same time insecure in my confidence. i feel like it's two seperate feelings somehow. it's not that i'm insecure about my abilities, just my confidence in my abilities. i think it's because i am mortally afraid of dissappointing myself, so i tend to TRY and expect as little as possible. a little mantra i invented for myself (almost undoubtedly spoken well before my existence): expect nothing and you'll never be dissappointed. i end up putting myself in this awkward reverse denial sort of thing. like i always try and tell myself that i'm going to fail, fuck up, or come up short; in the end, i'm even prouder of myself than if i'd been confident. it keeps life interesting because i'm always challenging myself, but does a number on self esteem i guess because i com einto every challenge playing the part of the underdog.

my junior year in high school i put together the craziest schedule i could possibly have attempted for my senior year, only rivaled by the girl i was to date my senior year and put a load on my shoulders i had not foreseen (but she's beside the point...what point?). either way, my counselor at the time (i never listened to her, i just needed her to approve shit for me) tried everything she could to get me to make it easier, but i insisted. i will remember her words, probably until the day i die, when she said, "you're some kind of mental masochist or something". i thought it was very intersting that she was comfortable telling a student that; not that i cared, i was actually proud of it (proving her point...weee). either way, the only reason i did that was because i was bored. i wanted to challenge myself the full extent that i could, so i went through with it, despite her suggestions. and i rocked it *shrugs*. looking back i don't really think i convinced myself that i COULD do it, i just wanted to jump into it and see if i could. it made me smile to think about what i'd learn from it, despite whether i won or lost.

i find i approach a lotta things that way. i try my hardest in everything i care about, that goes without saying. winning or losing though, i don't care. i'm comfortable with my limitations if i believe they are limitations. if i think they're just short falls, i'll fix 'em 'till i'm convinced i've hit a limit. i've always approached life that way...people say i'm very laidback 'cause i never seem to care about anything. it's not that i don't care, it's just that i'm comfortable where i am.

what the hell was i talking about? i don't know. get this far? hah, sucker.

oh...one thing i DON'T treat how i treat all that up there is women. fuck. i'd probably have a much easier time with them if i did, but for some reason THAT's an area that i have severe confidence issues. i have problems trusting people, i'm a raging skeptic most of the time. i have big problems respecting people when i think they're trying to uphold some kind of facade that expresses who they want to be isntead of who they are. i get along best with the ones who are down to earth and, like me, are comfortable with who they are and confident in letting the rest of the world know who they are :)

who are you?

ass! fuck!

it would be pretty cool to have turrets. or a flame thrower. i will forever remember a question on one of those stupid online surveys. it asked, "would you rather have the ability to fly or...." at this point i was like, what could be better than flying? but it continues "....or the ability to urinate gasoline". omg.

okay back to my point (heh, don't worry, i wouldn't do anything crazy like make a point). now that i finally broke down and started blobbing, i've found about SIX other ways to waste time. now everytime i'm away from my computer (or at my computer) for more than an hour (or a minute), i check my email, two different accounts, i check the newsgroup, i check almost every away message, i check to see if people have new profiles, and then i check five blobs i have bookmarked....what the fuck is wrong with me. i am, however, getting all my work down. granted i start everything at 10pm...it's interesting that i can spend so much time being useless and still get the shit done. gives me comfort in my laziness....i mean shit, if it ain't broke, why fix it? yeah there's an obvious answer to that question but i'm not going to concern myself with being an overachiever right now.

i often wonder who actually reads this shit. i had a few people answer my question, subtley....perhaps the rest are as ashamed as i am to be checking this shit all the time. partially my reason for asking is just wondering what i CAN safely say : ) i've never been one to hold back much...but i HAVE always been one to accidentally insult someone or just spill something that makes them not-like-me-all-that-much once in a while. my best friends have always been the ones who i can let my psychological dogs off the leash around. ironically my two x's are two people i use choke chains around (for two different reasons)....even though i always thought 'that girl' should be my best friend. perhaps that's unfair to judge now, after the fact, but it's something i've decided i can live with never knowing. we all must learn.

i feel kinda like a goldfish. what i used to like about subprofiles was that they were connected to AIM so i could see who visited them, and then talk all the shit i wanted about the ones who didn't : ) after the first two or three, nobody new ever showed up. so for those of you who did, i love you....or hate you and just never got the opportunity to express it *wink*. this whole you see me i see myself talk is a bit...embarrassing? i dunno if that's the right word. at the same time i kinda like it a little, like it's my audience's responsibility to take care of me or something? or like the people in these apartment buildings out my window who's responsibility it is not to stare at me when i walk around my room naked....

or at least not make it obvious.

actually, please, DO make it obvious. hello? *swims into glass*

::random nap dream::

so i couldn't get up today for class, so i slept from like 4am to 1pm. on and off, very broken sleep...ultimately never feeling rested. the last section of that, after which i finally got up, came with a really weird dream:

starts off (as far as i remember) with my brother and some of his friends in a water park/hotel (weird huh?). it's familiar to me as it's been in a past dream (or just some really powerful deja vu)...specifically a huge red staircase that curves to the right with a stream on the left edge of it....or something.

so for some reason i'm going to the top floor. i can't remember why. a man gets on on one floor, but wants to go down so he gets off again. there's a man standing next to me who has some quirk, but i can't remember what. i don't remmber what happens up there, but i remember being back on the elevator, and instead of going down, these elevators go downwards diagonally (to the left) with either glass or the door open because i can see outside (this is where i pass that stairwell). at one point it's actually travelling outside and there's these huge water slides coming out of the hotel into a massive river that runs under something the size of the brooklyn bridge...yeah.

okay, so here's the weirdest part. i get to the bottom and i'm about to walk out of the lobby, but i see a bar and i like their coffee. i buy a bag of coffee called "coffee a-go-go" (in green lowercase letters) and start walking out. correction, i grabbed the bag and started walking out, forgetting to pay. before walking out i realize this and reach for money. i know i have a five in my pocket because i have $45, a twenty, two tens, and a five. the coffee costs 2.50. i go and pay, it's a bar/cafe type thing, and the bartender makes me an espresso of some sort for buying the bag of coffee...he puts it in the bar in front of me but someone behind me grabs it, thinking it's his. the bartender looks at me apologetically and hands me a tupperware-style vial looking thing (although about an inch and a half in diameter and oddly shaped) with something that isn't alcohol inside. he gives it to me and shrugs one of those "it's all i've got" type of deals, and hands me a cup of some other coffee, not espresso. i remember opening the vial, smelling it (mild nutty smell), and looking over the rim and noticing convection currents, the type you'll see around the nozzle of a gas pump...so i know whatever it is it's very volatile, but it's not alcohol.

either way, i start drinking it, extremely slowly, and the first sip makes the back of my throat numb. i like it. i drink more. pretty soon i realize that i'm much shorter than the bar, and i'm trying to tippy toe to ask the bartender what it is. he says a word that sounds like 'buburchacha,' a malaysian dessert i am very fond of, but it sound more like 'burbagaong' i think...it was loud, i was short, and his face was getting redder and redder as i drank this stuff. pretty soon my whole head is kind of numb/tingly and i keep asking him what it is. i tell him my head is numb and he laughs with his other bartender friend and gives me that look that bouncers give me when they know i'm underage, but still let me in. he's as red as my face was at halloween and he really looks like the fuckin' devil at this point, and i wake up...unable to move. i mean seriously, i just have no energy to move. i kind of make an effort towards the edge of the bed but don't make it, and i realize that my head feels numb as does my chest, but i can breath fine...

i eventually get feeling back. and here i am.


now, who actually got this far?

honestly, who reads this shit?

*yawn* off to do homework

what a day, what day. last night i joined the ultimate team and chang's crew (about 20 total i think) at cottage for chinese new year's. we ate....a lot. and drank...more. i would've drank more but yeah, my stomach's not at it's best this week (read previous posts if curious why), but i still got pretty stupid.

so of course we went and bought more beer and played poker. to make a long story short:

STUPID.

now i'll make what i just made a short story a little longer. i'd bought twelve of yeungling 'cause i always leave beer at chang's 'cause i study there a lot (yeah you heard me). someone else bought a six of some ass beer, which went fast so i started giving out mine....i don't even know how many i drank 'cause my stomach was feeling much better by that time. either way, we ended the 'night' around 4:30am when chang left to puke, but didn't make it too far past the door of the woodbridge lounge. me raj and rubes came out and saw it and cracked up, i hit raj's beer out of his hand and we died, and then rubes just threw his beer down the hall....at which point we were all on the ground laughing but still trying to stay away from puke on one side and beer on the other.....

oh yeah, and we have no idea who won what either.

still along the lines of today (we're on sunday now) i woke up for winter league, got ready, and i was still a bit early so i laid down to keep my head from pounding. of course i fell asleep again and ended up an hour late. SO fuckin' hung over. chang decided to sit around 'casue he was hungover. i decided not to sit down at all so i played most of the day. my hangover was actually getting manageable until christian fuckin' kneed me in the back of the head...yeah, then it was worse than when i had started.

finished the day, lotsa fun : ) cold, but always a pleasure. ate some koronets for the first time in the year 2003 witda boys (and sarah) and showered and we got together to watch the bourne identity....after which i passed out for two hours, woke up and FINALLY, my hangover was gone at fuckin' 10pm. went to eat, and started studying...just gave up and i'm waking up early tomorrow morning to finish.

boxed wine + beer = baaaad. this is now the third worst hangover of my life.

goodnight world, i'll see you again soon.

sorry about that, blob was having a problem with the post i wrote last...'night' (i.e. almost five am). i also realized that i had the wrong time zone, so i just fixed that. i was planning on doing a lotta studying today, but i ate lunch when i woke up at about two thirty and watched the news about the columbia space shuttle crashing....sad. of course after watching the same thing over and over i fell asleep again and woke up at about 4:30pm. i'm useless.

so i thought i'd fuck with blob. here i am. fucking....with blob.....wow. not only am i useless, i'm boring.

fin

testing the blob switchover, forgive me