Dream Blob posted
(link at left)

i came back from class and the sun was blastin in through my window just now! i was so surprised because i never had direct sunlight actually come into my room :)

then i looked outside and discovered that no, it's not direct sunlight. just the sun reflecting off a window on the building across from ours :( boo.

more vegging

who reads this crap?

god damn i suck. i finally did start my pset, and i'm on problem 3/5. so far they've been taking a page a piece..this one will take more...i know how to do them, but there's just like a hundred equations for each one (bipolar junction transistors) that all depend on eachother...wonderful. just tedious, meh.

and of course i need a break already. i've bee listening to this 4-cd collection of trance my brother bought me and it's kind of weird, but the first and third are awesome, and the second and fourth are really cheesy. funny how that happens. i'm sure they had some kind of organizational setup, but i doubt 'suck' was a category, much less two. nonetheless, the other two are awesome. of course this also means that i've been sitting here for a loooong looong time. of course i only started my homework an hour and a half ago and i'm already bored and in need of a break. however the buddylist is dwindling and nobody posts on the newsgroup anymore.

instead of continuing my boredom conversation (i said most of what i think of it) i'll talk instead about the male buttocks.i was having an interesting conversation with drew, i think christian, and that cute girl aleisha at christian's party. first of all, christian has this poster behind some venitian blinds and a gel light on one of his walls in the living room, and david, for equality, demanded that he be allowed to put up something like this up (yeah i went and looked for it...wasn't all that hard actually, it's under "male butt"). this may in fact be the same poster. i didn't study it...too hard.

either way, we were talking about it and we were wondering how much women really like a male ass...drew's main point being that there really is no (normal) sexual position that gives the woman a good view of the male ass. this is where aleisha walked by to try and grab a carrot from the table we were crowding in front of, so to get a female's presspective, someone asked her, and she was very happy to say that yes, a good, firm as is indeed a sexy thing. somehow christian decided to pick on me and tell me to show her my ass to get an opinion, and after litle objection, i turn around, drop 'em, and lift up my shirt and she said, rather loudly, "now that is a hot ass", or something very close to that (i swear). this is where i start sucking and don't know how to follow up on such a lob....yeah i suck.

either way, yeah, i mean guys think boobs, curves, butt, i's all hot shit (and yeah i guess faces too ;) but really, in the course of a good night, we might get a very good look and feel at all of those. of course this isn't me, before you feel the need to point it out to me...so yeah, it does pose an interesting question why a woman thinks a man's ass could be hot. grabbing rights? is that all though? i'd definately like to hear more womens' points of view on this. i'm sure most of you have probably already seen my ass, but should you feel the desire, bring it up next time we're partying and i'd be glad to moon you too.

*smiles*

boredem has always been amusing to me. for the first time in about four weeks, last night and today have been filled with boredem. i have nothing 'really' pressing to finish, and everybody else seems to indeed have shit to do and/or not enough energy to go out and do anything, so i'm left alone in my own crapulence....my own thoughts, desires, motivations, etc. last night i picked up my guitar for the first time not-at-practice and jammed, and i loved it. usually when i consider it, the process of setting shit up and the constant threat of making too much noise (it's inevitably late at night every time i consider it) usually deter me from playing very often...but when i do, always love it. it's funny how hard it is to weigh hapiness with lack of motivation...it seems like they should be directly related but somehow...not...i keep searching for some sort of denial factor in my supposed enjoyment in things like guitar, but every time i overcome my lack of motivation, i do indeed enjoy it. the next time, however, i'm still faced with a lack of motivation.

my rough conclusion so far is that i really am a lazy mother fucker. for one thing, it's easy to do work when i'm stressed by time and shit. it must be done, and when i wait 'till the last minute, my circumstances decide for me. secondly, it's easy to get out and do something fun/healthy (excercise, see the city, do something interesting) when there are people to do it with. the added company and the second party's dependence upon your timeliness/motivation/company are usually more than enough to get my ass up and moving.

hmm...i typed this a long time ago and my parents called and forgot this was here...i'll read it later and continue (perhaps).

peace for now

but you're jess

*sigh* nice chilly day today. ate on the steps, tossed some, then came back bored outa my mind. i ate some saimin and watched "flatliners'...very cool movie. i was trying to get people out tonight but nobody really seems to wanna go out, so whatever, i'll just sit here in my own crapulence. i'm good at that. i restrung my guitar (the old ones were too thick) and i've been jammin' for the past hour and a half or so. what i do is hook my amp into my 'mic in' on my stereo, and then put my headphones on so that i can hear the music and my guitar. of course i keep turning both louder and now i can't really hear too well :) wonderful. ehh, it'll go away in a bit.

one thing about playing guitar that's kind of odd is that it really wakes me up. i got about four hours of sleep last night, all drunken sleep. about an hour or so towards the end of christian's, then the boys woke me up and we went to eat, and then i slept three more hours at drew's. we got some snack boxes at caporal fried chicken (that's not a typo...) and watched ocean's eleven (i only got up to the part soon after ocean gets red flagged). and that was my day (a bit twisted chronologically, but you get the point)

so i'm really curious about those whole smoking illegalizing thing. i'm goin' out to a bar in a few (i'll get there after midnight most likely though) to see if anything changes yet. apparently they're not going to be giving out violations until may 1st...so i'm curious if that just means that bartenders/bar owners will simply have the right to kick people out of kindly ask them to stop or something like that....i dunno. we'll see i guess. i personally am very happy with the law, as i don't smoke, and i've been getting increasingly sensitive to it. apparently there's a lotta non-smokers who are opposed to this law too, but i think that's kinda dumb. smoking is a stupid habit to begin with, and bartenders and waitresses and all us underage drinkers shouldn't have to breath someone else's stupidity. let 'em take it outside.

hmm..seems i'm not goin' tonight. instead me and some friends are gonna try tomorrow night when we can start a bit earlier (one of them lives about an from here). hmmm...i think i might watch nightmare on elm street 2 :) came in the mail and i haven't watched it yet. study? naw. too much effort. i could just stare at things...that's always fun. or clean my room! *sigh* i'm useless. no pressing work. no friends.

bye bye

so i'm the king of the cock block. mainly, cockblocking myself. yesterday actually turned out to a very interesting day witde women.

first of all, after i FINALLY finished my last pset for this week, i was walkin' outa mudd after being there all day and this GORGEOUS woman with dyed red/maroon hair walks up to me. she's eastern european-ish and taller than me just, hot. either way, she walks up to me and asks me if i'd ever considered modelling, haha. i told her i tried once, lost some money, and nothing came of it. she was rather surrpised, and complimented my looks, and i asked her who she works for. turns out it's the same company that gave me no love before :) i thoguht it was intersting. still surprised, she apologizes and compliments me again, and i walk off.

oh well, at least it was a boost to my ego.

next, christian's party. oooh, that was a lotta fun. either way, blinn, rachel, amanda, and trish came up with me. i was kinda surprised the women wanted to come, as i was instructed to bring women and i didn't think i'd succeed at all. i know rachel and amanda read this once in a while, if you see this, thanks for coming : ) and trish, if you do, thanks also for coming. trish actually wasn't gonna come, then she was, then wasn't, then was, then finally came and drank lotsa tequila with me. three cute girls all drinking tequila with me. always fun. more women drinking tequila with me. more fun. but then they all left :( i was sad. oh and i went and talked myself sober at one point fighting with amanda and rachel about 'one sided opinions' people get when they only hear one side of relationshp-type-issues and my take on it was that if you're the one that isn't being heard, you have no right to get mad at the poeople making their opinions because you're not telling them, and EXPECTING them to ask you is a copout for not having to tell anyone. they don't want to impose, it's your responsibility to let people know you.

THIRD, and by far the worst, also at christian's party, was this cute girl named aleisha who i totally cockblocked myself on..and then she left. i'll elaborate more later, i need to get out into the sun.

oh, and what made my day, in the morning, walkin' up to drew's (still sort of partying) this woman (we were up in washington heights) comes up to us as we were standing on the corner talking. she starts looking me, turns to my friends, points to me and asks "does he speak english?" i laughed out loud and said yes, and she tells me that she really liked my shirt : ) i was happy. it's my dragon/tiger shirt that my mom gave me.

alright, i have to go now, i'm so hyper...huh

tequila vertigogo

but you're jess?

i love how when i 'plan' to wake up early it always takes me an hour to convince myself the get outa bed. jesus i'm fucki'n useless. of course it doesn't help that i'm averaging 4 hours of sleep for the past three nights with a cold (3-3-6)...i woke up this morning and i think it's trying to relapse. or it might just me morning congestion, but i just blew some nasaty shit outa my nose (yeah you needed that, right?)....

it looks absolutely gorgeous today.....and i'll probably be working for the next five hours or so on this damn pset. due at 5pm, just in time for the sun to go back down. i rule. seems to be the theme of this week....i hope things get better because this just ain't right. pretty soon i'm gonna have to buy more coffee too.

anyone wanna eat dinner tonight? it's due at five so finished or not, i'm done then. i still have to watch 'flatliners' and 'nightmare on elm street: 2' if anyone's interested. they came in the mail over spring break and i haven't had a chance to watch them yet. lazy food, unless you feel like cooking i suppose.

you know how to reach me

but you're jess

ahh, small's was nice. again. arnie was there :) tearin' it up as usual. unfortunately i was REALLY tired and kept dozing off int he middle of songs. i felt bad. i still enjoyed it though. somehow it turned into three am....oh god.

i just thought it would make an interesting not though to tell everyone what's currently occupying my bed (soon to be mostly on the floor):

-my right speaker...because it's always movin' around
-my beige jacket
-my black jacket
-my uptown sweater
-pair of headphones
-empty film
-my pillowcase bag full of ultimate parafanalia
-my bag-o-rock (cables, tuner, picks, cd player, cd's and songbook)
-2 lab manuals
-2 notebooks
-my guitar


*sigh* sleepytime

*starts rearranging shit*

so it's thursday. i still have a pset due at 5pm tomorrow. and i'm going to small's again :) hopefully not for a repeat of two weeks ago with austin, that was just stupid great. this is actually for jazz class, we have a concert report due on tuesday. managed to get a rather healthy crew to join too *shrugs* good deal.

i also turned in my first COMPLETE assignment this week in!!! wee!!! me and chang did great on our electronics prelab...cool shit when it works out. we made a ring oscilator. it's a circuit that, when given an impulse (an abrupt peak that disappears) it proceeds to oscillate on it's own. it's pretty cool. this was all synthesis though, software. we'll probably make it on monday though.


aight, off to get NEKKID...muahahah.

peace

well....it's happened. i can't do this. i can't even stay awake looking at this shit and i have to learn how to do the homework before i can even start it...fuck. this damn cold is making me....weak. i hate this shit. i don't know if i'm just blaming it on the cold or if this cold really is fucking me up, but yeah, i have nothing. i'm going back to sleep, and then going to class. maybe at least that will make sense.

start anew next week? or fail miserably at life.....time will tell

peace

dude...five am wakeup call for me today...ugh. i was at the computer lab 'till midnight last night doing horribly on a matlab, vegged for three hours somehow, slept a bit, and here i am. yeah, it took me an hour to wake up...now i have five left to do this pset, and i probably won't even finish.

oh how i love this life of mine. on the brighter side, if i finish the work i'll have proved to myself that i can in fact do it, improve my shitty grades (or at least slow their descent), and i'll reinforce my lack-of-a-sleep schedule thereby increasing my flexibility.

yeah i'll keep telling myself that.

need-more-procrastinary-vehicles!

oink

ahh, still wednesday. before i head off to mudd to continue trying to do horribly in every lab i've ever taken, i'm gonna continue my day-to-day of spring break. i'm still debating whether or not everyone wants to hear this, but i've gotten a few people interested *shrugs*

so, the tuesday-wednesday.
-i ended with me avoiding any sort of hygeine besides gracing the atlantic with my sweaty ass
-came back, warmed up, and ate the second largest plate of pasta ever
-we were eating with matt so it was fuckin' vegitarian, but austin had a meat stick that i proceeded to shave into my pasta
-i moped around being extremely full (i had a guinness with the monster pasta too)
-and thyen *drum roll*
-ROOKIE CHALLENGE!!!! (i'll leave the details to those who ask)
-so many drunk people....oddly enough though, i barely got buzzed this night. i don't know if it was because i was just really full, or because i just wasn't in the mood. i mean 'not in the mood' not being me being depressed or anything, i was just perfectly happy watching everyone else instead of running around like a headless chicken....like them.
-went to the beach 'cause someone wanted to attempt one of those pokey rings we did last year....didn't last long 'cause a bunch went to smoke pot, a bunch went in the water....
-trish and kelsey went swimming in their underwear, heh heh
-albert was just stupid drunk, but playing the part quite well
-keg stands...oooh....keg stands. i have such a hair trigger gag reflex...gimme the shots.
-the couch hookup, haha, ahh, ultimacest
-and two of my most hated movies: pootie tang and zoolander....this is where i got bored and went to bed

it's always interesting to me being the 'sober guy' at a party..it's really only happened about twice. i'm usually one to initiate the parties and try and get as many people drunk as possible...oh well. i guess it's a good experience to expand my horizons. for one thing the only alcohol in the house was that keg, which i really couldn't stand, and what was left of the jack daniels, which i felt like i should let the rest of the house drink since i'd already drank about half of it. my list gives the night no justice though, it was a wild and crazy night, with a large group of people doing weird dances trying to get everyone else to drink. god bless 'em : )

i did have a lotta fun, but not in the way i usually have fun at parties. for some reason everyone was just running everywhere. when i think back on it, i really do imagine a bunch of headless chickens. buncha' drunk sixth graders with ADD or something....like so many things happened in so many different places, and the groups were usually kinda spread out doing their own thing for af ew minutes, and then moving on. usually parties (especially in nyc or house parties) it's much more concentrated....like everyone in one or two rooms, besides the few actually gettin' some play (but you're jess...). i had a good time just...obvserving. hell, for fifteen years of my life that was almost the extent of my interaction with my peers. i enjoyed it then, i still enjoy it from time to time....

okey doke, off to mudd to do more work....god, why am i going to mudd at 9:15?

vertigogo

ctrl+x, y

oops

yooo, anyone else familiar with evanescence? well they're playing live at webster wednesday april 16th for 96 cents:

http://krockradio.com/concertcalendar/

that chick's voice is amazing

limit two tickets, go on sale TODAY at 3pm (ticketmaster). me and three friends should be going (liu, chang and karen ko), please, come with us! but you'll havet o buy your own tickets methinks...


talk to me

i just had a great idea. as i was checking my own blog to see if i got any comments (yeah, never happens, punks), and also to put one more tick on my counter (it makes me feel good), i realized that i covered spring break up until monday....on monday. so now i'll cover monday-tuesday, and i think you can see where this week is going:

hmm...what happened:
-went shopping and spent 67 dollars of a 165 dollar bill between 3.5-3.75 people (there was some sharing going on) at some grocery store....i still owe austin for that actually. luckily, however, i ended up not buying food at all for the rest of our beachouse stay. i misjudged how much i'd actually eat for breakfast/lunch (i.e. none really)
-ate not-so-chilli-chicken-chilli-fajitas w/ duke, austin and liu....ended with me very full and unable to drink
-expecting a party, but got...trivial pursuit. fuckin' retards...oh well i guess everyone was tired
-oh wait i just realized i'm doing the good things that happened on monday-tuesday
-monday, i got lotsa sleep.
-woke up tuesday, ate a lotta eggs and bacon in tortillas, and had paractice...in pain...no cleats..in mud....heh heh, i was so nasty by the end of that :)
-went to beach and swam with the jellyfish
-"bodyboarded" with catherine, although the little bodyboard she had sank under me *shrugs* i resorted to bodysurfing
-avoided a real shower, washing of clothes, and wearing of much clothes for a day...always a good thing.

that ends thuesday-day...pretty uneventful section but tuesday night....that's worth another blob

...hmmm...that wasn't all that inetersting was it....i'm sorry


so uninspired....meh..let's hope this is jus because of tuesday....

-but you're jess

I'M BACK! I'M BACK I'M BACK I'M BACK!!!

ooh, more blog. i was thinking at some point on some long car ride what a keyboard would feel like again after a week and almost a half of not touching it. ...feels exactly the same *shrugs* either way, enough of this gibberish, i'll start the 'cool shit this spring break' list with as little explanation as possible:

party van
the look on peoples' faces when i showed up friday morning drunk with bright red hair
sleeping through about thirty states
waffle house
going undefeated first day of beasterns
playing ultimate without a broken back
laying out into lotsa mud
a pound of skittles.
IHOP
sun and good ultimate
a broken into gang shower in the wilmington gym before the long trek to st. augustine florida
squirrel nut zippers
rammstein
showing up in florida and claiming the illegitmate son's room (two beds w/ austin and a bathroom in the basement)
*sunday night/monday morning:
drinking half a bottle of jack daniel's while everyone else was sober
going skinny dipping/naked bodyboarding at dawn while everyone was sober
going to sleep FINALLY when everyone else was going to practice
*brings us to about 3pm monday

i'll stop here as i've realized this may take a while...so i'll break it up into a FEW blobs! i was never one for brevity.

spring break, did, however, ROCK. my back held up just fine and what held me back in the end was not being in shape and a small cold towards the end. oh well. it was definatley more chill than in past years, too many factions, but whatever, i'm easy to please. i liked chllin'. i like partying hardy. i liked the swing on the back porch and the bloody moons that rose every evening.

stay tuned! i may say something ineteresting

and the time has come. this may or may not be my last blog until spring break, not like anyone's still around to read it. i'm assuming most of my regulars are of the ultimate genre and the of that, mostly the women ;) they never come and hang out with us anymore, and rarely talk to me online, but they still read my blob. weirdos. heh heh.

so yeah, i slept two hours, ran a few last minute errands in preparation for being gone for a week. i'm going to have SO much work when i get back...it's not even funny. i foresee lotsa 'fuck this' and 'fuck that' though, so i should survive. i'm off to eat lunch with my advisor now, do a ticket for acis (quickie), and then see how far i can get on my matlab due friday, so, i have to do it....NOW. yeah that's not gonna get very much done : ) there's little to no spring break party spirit yet. i hope that's just because everyone's dead and needs a ten or twenty (i have no idea) hour car ride to spice things up.

long live the party

goodnight and good riddance ; )

wow, last night turned into an AMAZING night. we were headed down to mcsorley's, but between subway delays, leaving late, the pub closing at one, and austin's need for a toilet, we didn't go to mcsorley's. instead we went to a pub near irving plaza that i've hit before called 'shades of green' and had a few guiness' from a bartender who spoke with an irish accent and knew that guinness needs time to fall : ) good shit.

around one a.m. we left and headed west to smalls, a great little jazz club. some dude i'd seen before was playing, but a half hour later they broke and after a break started a jam session. first there was this bald guy with a wedding band hittin' the bass pretty solidly, a skinny polish girl on the drums who just amazed the shit outa me (despite throwing me off a bit), and another woman with wild hair poundin' the ivory. it looked very weird, but it was nice. there was an old man named arnie who teleported in straight from the seventies who was a fuckin' god on the alto sax. his sax was leaking too, but that didn't stop him. that man knew music, and it was nice to hear him sing :) after they jammed for a bit, this quiet, unassuming japanese girl who'd been roamin' around sits at the trap and SHE could drum too! it was really cool. in my drunken state i was trying to imagine this polish girl and a japanese girl learning to intricate synchopated rhythms of jazz...and i couldn't do it. but i tapped my foot anyway.

for most of this time me and austin had been talkin' to a man named 'cody moffet' who struck up a conversation with me 'cause i looked 'like a player'. i told him i don't know how to play jazz i just love the music. turns out he's a fuckin' genius behind the drums (and a lefty drummer, i'd never seen that before)....he's the best drummer i've ever seen live. truly amazing. he was like a machine that made jazz faces. so hot. i also rarely like jazz guitarists, but there was one who i totally dug. instead of just playing lotsa fast scales like most (although it is impressive), this man could mix chords, melodies, harmonies, and crazy scales all together in such great balance. it was butter.

to make an already-pretty-long-story not too much longer (? hmmm), we walk outa smalls after plowing through three six packs of newcastle (after our two guiness' mind you) and stumble loud, DRUNK, and dumbfounded into the morning sunlight. i seriously thought it was like four or five or something, but no, we were underground in the smokey club until a bit after dawn. we caught a cab going the wrong way and made it back eventually, declining ideas of tom's or westway for breakfast. i come back and sleep for about nine hours, and austin goes to work and sleep sfor about three and a half hours....on his KEYBOARD at WORK because he thought it'd be useless to go home and then back to work in an hour and a half. apparently he made use of being the only guy in an empty building screaming his head off just to heaer his drunken self talk. ahhh, college.

an amazing night. and a startling reminder that i realy must make a point to drink some water. i seriously didn't put ANYTHING in my moth but beer for eight hours straight last night, and the nine hours i slept. needless to say i was really dehydrated and REALLY hungover (i'm still hangin' a bit).

it needs repeating: an amazing night.

because i'm better than you on a tuesday night : )

ahh, so i'm done with midterms. i just have a pset and a lab, probably about four hours of work total, not bad at all. so, to celebrate, i'm being especially adolescent tonight and going downtown to smalls to listen to some jazz and possibly go down to mcsorley's to drink drink drink the night away. ahhh...college. ahhh...tuesday.

and yeah, i don't really wanna talk about that midterm if you don't mind ; )

for all my fans out there, and all my enemies, i love you tonight.

here's soemthing to comment on (also on the ultimate newsgroup). if YOU were going to a beachouse in florida for the week of spring break, what special trinket/toy/substance/stuff would you bring to make it that-much-cooler? i'm curious. just click on the comment link below this and write in the specified information (all optional). and press post or ok or whatever it says. it's simple. and it makes you feel good. i for one am borrowing christian's balance board. partially for excercise/therapy but also because it's just fuckin' cool. and i'm gonna be fuckin' cool too.

and if graham lets me, i'm gonna tape my clown shoes to his minivan so it doesn't take up any space.

because i'm that-much-cooler.

-but you're jess

dream blob

i was caught again last night describing to a friend my theory behind my 'exteremely personal' (as some have put it) blob here and again, felt like my words were failing me as usual, so, when i should be studying for midterms, i went and found two pages that describe the penopticon consicely, accurately, and as i understand it. i'm not sure if i'm trying to change my life, challenge myself, or i'm just desperate to tell my life story, but it's a source of excitement and amusement knowing that people i don't know, and people i know and love dearly, may be watching at any given moment....*creepy music*

the first, from UCLA, is a good, quick description of it including a picture of it's origins as a prison scheme. the first section is enough to read, the 'virtual' part seems kinda dumb to me.

the second, from GSU Law is a more indepth page with a bit of discussion and different points of view. i will also make some sort of description page to link all this to from my main page, so if you don't have time to read them now, fear not, you won't have to go search through ALL my gibberish to find these links again ; )

i enjoy explaining it, but after about five times it gets a bit redundant, and not everyone who reads this talks to me *shrugs*

ahh...i love studying for midterms. at some point i do want to delve deeper into the penopticon and understand it better; as well as find the critics against it. maybe i'll take it on spring break....heh...heh heh. i guess i'll try but in the past two spring breaks i've read a total of like, 1.5 pages. i rule.

toodles and hot dogs

-but you're jess

yo i think i actually mighta' gotten listed on blogger's webpage for a small while early this morning. i got a bunch of weird hits from like singapore and hong kong, and two from some company called corning inc. in nyc. *shrugs* cool. btw, i've been all about site traffic meeters, there's three of them on the bottom, each one doing cool things....if you be so interested : ) just me trying to defeat my penopticon, of course...maybe i should stop that.

meh.

day begins.

skittles

wow. almost TWELVE HOURS since my last post! i won't let it happen again : )

so yeah. i was going to finish this pset last night, and study for filters tonight. instead i did nothing yesterday, finished the pset, and have been talking online and exchanging music with friends and downloading more music for the past like...three hours after i went disc golfing at midnight. i'm fuckin' useless, and i LOVE EEEET. heh heh. i'm actually rather confident about htis midterm, despite it being the hardest shit i've ever dealt with to date. the thing is, though, me and scott bust our butts for this class, so we know the shit pretty well. there're really no eqations to know or anything like that, so it's almost all conceptual with a lotta algebra....not much TO study, if i don't know it now, i'm not gonna figure it out by tueday methinks. nonetheless, i have tomorrow and all of tuesday afternoon to study...and a half bag of coffee remaining :)

i had a very chill, very fun weekend. saw lots of people, hung out, ate good, had good conversations, relaxed and got work done (chores mostly)...i'm feeling good about things. i'm finding balance. of course that's all going to hell when spring break rolls around, we'll see how long it takes me to recover afterwards and get back to work ;)

i at least hope we'll come back and the snow will be gone. wouldn't that be nice? it's been a rather harsh winter. OH, if ther IS snow, i'm gonna go ride it first chance i get : ) i fuckin love snowboarding. so great.

alright, i'm gonna try and sleep now. *yaaaaawn* never ate dinner either. up early for breakfast? we'll see.

'night 'night

a comment (rare comment) by stoops to a blob two blobs ago about ghosts:

aight, to begin with ... you kissed a girl in kindergarden? wow ... i don't think i kissed a girl on the lips until, like, 6th grade. what a dork, methinks.

to illustrate just how weird this was to me, the next girl i kissed was my first girlfriend my senior year in high school...and we didn't even make out...just kisses hi, goodbye, thank you, you're cute...blah blah...i didn't know how to initiate it, and to make matters worse it was a weird, awkward relationship that lasted two months....possibly two months too long? i dunno. jury's still out on that one. i was a spaz, i fell REAL hard for her, and i kinda freaked her out and we dont' talk anymore.

all that=ghost. i'd be hard pressed to find a day i didn't think about her for at least a split second....

so yeah, who's the dork now baby, ooooh yeah.

and, for the record, the first girl brave enough to stick her tongue in my moth was this girl later in my senior year who had a thing for me (she was a junior, but a year older than me 'cause she was home schooled 'till i dunno when) and asked me to her junior prom....i thought it would be kinda weird to just go, so the weekend before i invited her to come out with me and my friends for the day. we were planning on partying later that night, and the plan was to drop her off before then and go party....but yeah, my friends ended up inviting her..half to make me feel weird, half 'cause two of my friends thought she was cute (she was cute, but i didn't really want anything to do with her), so yeah, she comes, we drink a lot, we play a lotta truth or dare, and she....well....jumps me. i was too drunk to know what was going on, or to know that about five of my friends were in the room too (we'd rented a hotel room), including a girl-friend who i'd currently been hitting on....so yeah, kinda weird. clothes stayed on, hands stayed out, just makin' out...'till i sobered up just a tad to realize how weird this was....

yeah...that turned into another ghost...

and the second girl i made out with also jumped me when i was drunk...took me an entire summer to get her off my back. oops.

ghost.

third girl was candace. she also had to jump me about a MONTH into our relationship...i think. something like that, but yeah, i move slow. at least i wasn't drunk *shrugs*

(pseudo)ghost - possibility of improvement.

fourth girl was ana (up here at columbia).....who.....you guessed it.....also jumped me. i saw her for about two weeks which consisted of a lot of making out and hangin' out, but i just couldn't give myself in to it for some reason. i really did enjoy her company, but since i didn't feel it, i felt like i was just using her for a warm body....i really don't understand myself sometimes. i mean i enjoyed (and still enjoy) her company. she's in italy now on exchange, but i still talk to her on IM once in a while. but i felt like i needed more there inside me to deserve the rest of her.....

she's also sort of a ghost...i think of her (and how i felt with her) when i try and figure myself out, but she's in italy, and even when she was here, i never saw her unless i made a date for it.

hmm...i started this and asked myself why am i posting this....and here i am, asking myself why i'm posting this : ) but yeah, there it is. my love life in it's entirety.

again, i ask, who's the dork ; )

-but you're jess

i got on the elevator this afternoon to go to the laundry room, and as the door opened, a couple, startled, disengaged their lips and giggled at me, embarrassed. one of them had luggage and was leaving for somewhere, or going back home, or something. it was really cute. they eventually decided i wouldn't mind too much (i returned the giggle) and kissed once more before we got tot he ground. they were obviously very happy with eachother.

for some reason seeing two people show that kind of hapiness and affection for one another made me feel really good : )

yeah so i WAS really tired....but i guess i just had to get past that threshold. now of course i'm wide awake so i've started drinking and eating vinegar chips....taste real good with a beer : )

either way, i finally registered for one of those online poker casinos, and i'm actually winning. funny how that happens. they boast of an entirely random shuffler, so perhaps my bad luck doesn't come through. eric played it and apparently his GOOD luck doesn't show through either : ) heh heh. but yeah, every once in a while you get these guys who know they're not playing with real money so they jsut fuck up the game. luckily there's usually like, twenty tables going at once, so you just gotta stand up and go find a real game. there's almost always people who are honest somewhere.

since i'm still awake and have half a beer left, i guess i'll start my discussion about ghosts that i alluded to. i suppose brevity would be a good thing, but i've never been good at that. i'll try my best nonetheless ; )

hmm...i guess i'll start from the beginning. when i was in kindergarten, there was this girl, the first girl i actually kissed on the lips actually (pimp, oh yeah..). it was really nothing, just a cutesy, kindergarten kiss. it was affectionate though, we were really good friends and always 'flirting', not that we knew what that was back then. we'd tease and tickle and whatnot, blah blah. she was also the smartest girl in the class (i was always a geek, so that was hot) and even at that age, and even though all the other girls had cooties....i really liked this girl....very weird. even weirder: the NEXT YEAR (we ddin't really hang out outside of school, so summertime we didn't see eachother), apparently we'd grown up a lot over the summer and despite going to school with the girl for six more years, i barely talked to her. i feel like in those short three months, we both realized what a weird situation we'd gotten ourselves into. i remember so little of it besides the feeling....but i remember that quite well unfortunately. the very thought or sight of her made me so uncomfortable, so soon after the year before, when COOTIES probably should've kept us throwing mud balls at eachother....i never understood it...
i saw her YEARS later (our mothers are friends) at a craft fair (me and my mom were selling our pottery) and didn't know what to say...i could tell, and so could she, that we both remembered. she will forever be a ghost. even if i ever caught up with her again, that child inside me would probably recede into my little cave of emotional avoidance...

k, this would take a while if i went through EVERY ghost, so i'll save you the novel. basically, what i realize about myself is that time apart from people i once called friends at some point usually has very adverse effects. for one thing, i change a lot. i used to think of myself as a rather static person, but not so much anymore. granted i have many fundamental philosophies that will always be with me, but the variables are the ones i tend to test and shift and calibrate often...it's weird. for example, the obvious example, when i was in elementary school, i was an absolute geek. i never went out 'till like sixth grade when i finally found friends near me. before that i always had one or two good friends, and that was it. i wasn't that geeky kid with glasses that everyone picked on though....somehow i got a lotta respect from my peers (still don't understand that either). i just had to let them in....

high school was a new start, and i made a conscious decision to change and be more sociable. i was amazed what a simple "hi, i'm jess" could accomplish on the first day of school....i'm still friends with many of those people. but still, high school produced so many more ghosts for me. towards the end, when i was finally getting more comfortable 'letting them in" i befriended SO many people (and so many cute girls)...more than a handful of which told me flat out that they'd wished they'd hung out with me earlier in life....oh the missed opportunities.....and the inflated list of ghosts that i'd JUST started to become friends with...and i left for nyc.

so i came to nyc with a heightened confidence and a little more motivation to explore the world outside my little bubble. i'm still pretty conservative, as most things go, but at the same time, my bubble got a LOT bigger. i actually kind of overshot it and kind of created some sort of weird facade that really isn't me. it's comfortable, on one side, because the facade is of a very verbose, fun lovin', laid back guy who likes to drink and party a lot....
on the other side, i keep remembering when i was that 'smart kid' in high school that was on top of his classes and adored by the women (of course i only heard this second hand, far FAR too late for me to capitalize....). i was so money and i didn't even know it. i was just too stubborn to let anyone in. so i went overboard and now i'm some party fiend. which is fun, mind you, but i don't make the sort of few, extremely close friends anymore. for that i have to find a girlfriend....and that's just no good : ) don't get me wrong, i love all of you. it's just...different for me to spread that love to so many people, and accept what love i get in return. i somehow feel that because of it i've become a very shallow person....

and i also think about how many more ghosts (returning to my point) i'll capture in my own prison. i've already created a handful...there's some i think of more than once EVERYDAY, without fail, and i never see them. and every ghost that pops its head into my consciousness brings with it a stab to the heart....

i don't want anymore ghosts

i want friends.

so i stayed at work for about an extra hour today playing on the new pingpong table that all the boys chipped in for. heh heh, that was fun (don't worry i wasn't getting paid). i haven't played in a while...needless to say i kinda sucked...but i was getting better.

and upon return home (a full twelve hours after i left), i was overcome by fatigue. austin was cooking, so i was trying to wait for him, but i gave up and went to sleep telling liu to call me when the food came...so i slept like...five minutes i think but it still felt good. then i went up there and slept another ten minutes or so while the food cooked, and in the end i really wasn't that hungry...so sad.

so i was fallin' asleep in front of the tv and decided to come back down to my livelihood (this chair). found something to wake me up too, my everlasting supply of angry music. i love it. rammstein, evanescence, lost prophets, less than jake....always a source of energy. i've taken to listening on my headphones so i can just blast it and drown the rest of the world out. unfortunately my ears have gotten even more picky than they used to be and i'm contemplating dropping some bucks to get a quality pair....ahh...the neverending flow of cash. i hate it.

so now that i'm awake with nothing to do, here i am. there's a discussion i wanted to hvae on this for a while about ghosts...in the head. always there, but can't be seen, can't be touched, can't be contacted, but they're always there.....watching me. my past, haunting me forever.....

don't feel like discussing it right now though...right now i just wanna be.

*sigh*

wow, i forgot how good six hours of sleep feels....oh god, what's wrong with me...

woke up, ordered three dvd's : ) that made me happy. i feel like i deserve it, and a few hours of procrastination when i'm done with all of this (the hard stuff) on tuesday.

aight, i'm off to work 'till 5:30, be back, at the latest, at 7. email me if you feel so inclined, always welcome.

toodles

oooh, i got comments : ) that first one is a friend of mine way back from kamehameha, terence. hi terence!

well, i got myself to the weekend...finally. that jazz midterm was a fricken' doozie, but i suppose it coulda' been worse. i did alright, but nothing spectacular methinks. next week i have a pset due monday, and my bigass midterm on tuesday (my grad class in analog filters). i already know how to do just about everything, but unfortunately i'm plagued with horrible consistency so i'll probably fuck up some mundane algebraic computation...meh. i got the weekend though, we'll see how far i get.

i'm really too tired to write anything very funny/witty/insightful or even interesting right now. i declined offers for amcaff AND tom's tonight because i really have no business going out....of course i can blob...'cause that requires little to no coherence. just a lack of shame : )

i

need

sleep

peace

i just lost MORE money at poker! haha. ehh, it's jsut money. i'm really not too distraught about it 'cause i really like playing, and i don't think i know how to spell. 'sides, most of the money goes to chang, and chang's investing most of it in poker equipment (so he says) next year. so i guess i'm helping the cause?

no, doesn't really help :) whatever.

again, i declare, i'm only playing hold'em. it's less reliant on luck (which i definately don't have) and i can last a very very long time even if i am getting shitty cards. unfortunately it takes five or six people minimum and tends to bore others. oh well, i can always play online i suppose.

so who's still checking my blob to ease this midterm bullplop? heh. i think it's at least a good thing i'm not an excessive newsgroup poster as it's turned into a little warzone...chang against the world. but then again what's new. at least when i post i usually just 1) make fun of myself or 2) inadvertently make fun of myself. i gave up trying to be clever a long time ago, now i just make weird comments that nobody really gets and start parties. THIS is where i try and be clever : ) well not really. i just kinda let it pour out, take it or leave it *shrugs*

tomorrow:
lotsa jazz studying
finish the last parts of two different computer lab thingies
take jazz midterm
play some ultimate maybe
ROCK
perhaps sleep, perhaps study. i really have to get a head start on next week.

after tuesday all my big stress is gone. i SHOULD do more work due after spring break (i'm definately not bringin' it) but we'll see about that.

i wonder if this blob is ever going to contain anything of real insight and interest....unless you think my life is interesting? heh....i'll never know if you don't COMMENT!!!

talk to me
jess

wow i made like twenty posts yesterday. hah. not as productive today, but i'm still on top of things. spent a few hours here and there working on labs, both are nearly done, maybe another two hours tomorrow'll do it.

so i went to ultimate practice for the first time this semester (first time it was on a day other than tuesday or thursday). i wasn't planning on playing very hard, on account of my back, but of course i did (this is where all my 'mothers' roll their eyes at me, yeah yeah yeah). we had 13 os we were playing six's, it was a lotta fun, and my back feels/felt really good. i'm happy with it. i can still fake out a frosh too : ) so i'm happy with that. i've somehow turned into a bit of a handler, granted dave and bill were both out tonight (practicing with some 'other' teams, sucka's). i don't really like handling, but playing it once in a while has expanded my game a bit. i don't play deep anymore because outright sprints are what starts to get to my back. squirrelly shit is definately my game, and being a mild-mannered-handler i suppose could make me a pretty big threat if i don't fuck it up *shrugs* we'll see how long i last, heh. i love ultimate

all through practice, going through my head:
Evanescence - Bring Me to Life

got this from karen (karen ko, friend from maui). apparently they appeared on the daredevil soundtrack, very cool stuff. it's got some techno/rock goin' with a great lead female vocalist and some hot, hot harmonies. a tight harmony just sends chills down my backs, it's the reason i wanted to lead a band, but unfortunately nobody else (except christian, but kinda hard when he's drumming) wants to sing backup. i'm kind of considering finding a lead singer and taking backup vocals, but we'll see. i really do love singing, but i also love harmony....meh. i need some horns. anyone out there play trumpet/trombone/sax wanna join a ska band? know anyone? meh. fat chance. ooh, or keyboard, that could be hot too.

aight, shower (second today!!! that brings my daily average to....0.4.....ahh, midterms)

alohas

i raelly like stats, so here's some stats:

hours slept last night: 2
hours slept this afternoon: 2

hours in class/studying/doing midterm
3 hrs. (last night)
1.25 hrs. (midterm)
1.25 hrs. (jazz class)
1.5 hrs. (computer lab finishing pset)
2.5 hrs. (filters class)
studying later tonight? HELL NO

it's pretty funny though, 4 hrs. sleep, 10 hours of productivity, and TEN HOURS left in the day. it sounds like i should be very happy with myself...but i'm sure you feel this too often. i mean....10 hours of work goes by about as slow as a root canal, yet 10 hours of mindless blobbing, eating, and vegging goes as fast as the nine minute 'snooze' on my alarm clock. meh. at least i get to sleep some tonight. i sure as hell ain't going to class in the morning, so i have all day to do those two labs and start studying for jazz.

more later (chipping at that ten hours)

alohas

2/3 midterms done (i think i rocked this second one too)
1.8/2 psets done (to be finished later today, hopefully)

still to do:
matlab lat lab
electronics prelab
jazz midterm

i'm very impressed with myself actually. i've managed to study quite a fucking lot in two days....straight. i haven't gotten more than a three hours chunk of sleep since saturday night...not too horrible, but when you start living off one hour naps, weird things happen. every once in a while i just feel....drunk :)

my motivational songlist:
Reel Big Fish - Take on Me
Less Than Jake - Scott Farcas Takes it in the Chin
Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright
Offspring - Total Immortal (AFI cover)
Bad Religion - American Jesus
A Perfect Circle - Judith

rawk

sleep for now

mmm...good t'go. studied more than i thought i would...actually started getting interested in the shit, whod've thought *shrugs* so yeah, midterm in three hours...i'll sleep an hour and a half and shower, eat, chill....i hate rushing. i really do.

i feel good about this. i'm almost completely done with my hard pset, and the rest of the week laid out. i can still do it apparently *shrugs*

NINE days 'till spring break too, i really can't wait : )

'night/morning

i was just informed by tao that i just posted my 1300th post on the ultimate newsgroup :) mind you, this is out of a total of 12,053 (12,054 after i posted about 1300) posts, the first being on April 10, 1996. muahahaha.

i'd probably have more, but lately the newsgroup's not as fun. there used to be enough gibberish and bullshit that i'd kind of blend in, or at least be looked over, but in these sad times when some worthless flakes out there are working on bullshit papers and midterms and fuckin' theses (makiko i hate you)....nobody posts anymore. usually when confronted about it they're like "i have nothing to say" then i say "neither do i" and they're like, but i like you're posts. i really don't get it. of course, there are those out there who are like "i delete your posts", but more power to them and less power to me. which really doesn't matter considering i'm INVINCIBLE.

the crapulence that has been the newsgroup was replaced by this here blob :) for those poor souls of yours, constantly being dragged back here day after day, i pity you. not only do you have no life, but you're content reading about how much LESS of a life i have. bravo. wait....i....*hangs head*

really though, i like writing, putting this down. once in a while i go back and read them but i usuually remember them anyway. when you say exactly what's on your mind, when it's on your mind, you never really have to 'think back' and wonder...oooh, what'd i just tell the world? now i just have to wonder if i'm telling stories somebody already knows. it's a lot simpler than wondering if i was man enough, or unashamed enough to tell the world that i got naked in a roomfull of people....twice. i just have to wonder if someone else knows more about the story than i do, ahhhahahaha.

i've also pushed my own private prison up a notch and invited my brother and sister to come watch : ) i wonder if they'll come....*shrugs*. i don't think i'm ready for mom and dad quite yet though, heh heh. they'll have to ask if they want to know *grins*.

well, so far on the hell week, i've gotten off to a monster start. i've got...just over eight hours 'till my next midterm and i think i just need another hour or two to study it. no prob, i hope.

that's me.

who're you?

chicken wings.

*posted earlier but blog crashed*

i'm so out of it right now i'm staring at my computer screen with my door half open, and out of the corner of my eye...my door keeps closing....but it's not...

omg i need food.

studied straight for about seven hours...very proud of myself. doing math and tech shit...it starts getting to you. before i started i'd had two cups of coffee, and now my jaws hurt from clenching my teeth 'cause i get really tense when i study tech. very weird, but yeah, it happens. afterwards, like now, i MUST DRINK A BEER. it's unavoidable. i'm actually kinda hungry too, but i'm too lazy for any of that.

Anchor Porter, San Fransisco, good beer.

an interesting little pop duo has been poppin' their head up in the great U S of A. anyone ever hear of a group called Tatu? i'm pretty sure they're polish, but i could be wrong, and i'm also too lazy to look that up. i wasn't lazy enough to download some of their videos off kazaa though..definately a language i've never heard in a song before...that i remember. nonetheless, the basis (i think) of their newfound fame on this big rock we call home is the fact that the two lead chicks keep makin' out all the time. it's great.

i'm not saying it's great because i enjoy watching these two make out, really. they're not that hot, they're not ugly either though. they can't really sing too well, they just put a lotta cool effects on simple melodies (techno poppish). i'm saying it's great because it shows how fucking stupid americans are :) before you get offended, i don't mean you. i mean the people that are making these two famous. i'm not even mad at them for exploiting it, i think it's fucking GREAT that they're exploiting all the stupid motherfuckers in america. if i could, i would too, but i'm not a lesbian nor do i speak polish. i think it would even MORE amazing if they were just tooling america and in a month, they're gonna come out and say they're not really gay. or they'll be caught by poperazzi (sp?) makin' out with justin timberlake backstage at the vma's.

i hate society.

so yeah, MOST of two psets done, they should both be finished tomorrow, and my studying for signals midterm should ensue. good start, let's see if it continues.

and all that gibberish in the past two posts...i've just had a lot in my head lately, it's nothing to worry about.

"holy mary mother of god..." *ship sails in the distance*
-name it

i wanna dance. i heard gatecrasher was at Arc this past weekend...it's a really good thing i didn't know it was there because i probably would've gone, gotten home at about 8am this morning, and slept 'till....now.

i'm done.

i'm up, i've got lotsa coffee (in me and waiting for me) and i've got some resolve

1) i'm going to only play texas hold 'em which is a slower game, and more intuitive game not ALWAYS based on luck (i.e....BLUFF!!!).

2) i'm going to try and fix/help this whole matt/candace thing

3) i have great friends, and a great family. i love you all and i have nothing to bitch about.

4) i'm going to finish these last two weeks before spring break correctly with work, play, and sleep....all helping eachother out.

5) i'm going to blob...much...much more : )


hey i didn't get naked in front of anyone this weekend!

this emptiness is just me being lazy. i'm on it.

(comment on last post) drew says that lethal weapon 4 and romeo must die are movies jet li ruined. i'm going to have to take this up with him....

meanwhile cradle to the grave had the worst plot ever, but i thought the action was really cool. even dmx was cool. i'm prolly gonna buy it just for the credits though....if you see it, you'll know what i'm talking about.

a lot's happened this week/weekend...a lot in the past two weeks, and a lot's GONNA happen in the next three (the last being spring break) and i should start getting my life/year together....

first of all, i have to get a handle on this poker thing. i'm losing way too much money now, and it's not turning around. luck just isn't my thing (i honestly don't think i'm THAT bad of a player, i just get screwed all the time). i'm thinking of playing online free games for a bit...it's a good break from time to time i suppose but these long nights are killing my head and my wallet (we've been playing since like ten and i just got home).

second of all...fuckin' women. two weeks ago was when me and candace had our last head butting, and since then not more than a few words has passed between me and either her or matt...so i'm taking the first steps to work on that, because i think it's something that should be worked on....but i have no time or energy right now because of the parties and the work....so i'll work on that (ends bitching about women)

thirdly, i need a fuckin' job for this summer. i'm planning on going home, but haven't done SHIT to try and get a job yet. yeah....i'm dumb. i have almost no money but i keep spending it....bah. i'm an idiot.

basically i think my life's far too unbalanced and i need to get my ass in gear instead of putting everything off 'till it's in my face. i seem to have distanced myself from everything, and even everyone, around me....in a mental sort of way. my room is in shambles. i'm really behind in my work. i keep spending money. a girl i once devoted my life to may hate my guts forever now. someone who i was once becoming best friends with is now a distant acquaintance. my family has no idea what's up with me....i just hang out a lot with my friends, eat, watch movies, play poker, and drink. that's my life. i take the easiest approach to making my life seem meaningful..by just hanging. that's not even meaningful, but i feel like it is...if that makes sense. i' not making any sense. i mean it makes sense in my head but not in the words.

i need to find balance. and i really need to clean my room....

everything in my face is working, i really have no problems, and i'm having fun.

but i'm empty.

jesus...i haven't blobbed since thursday. life's been pretty wild...meaning last night was FUCKING WILD. hahaha. so i dropped $120 for that party at sai's and came home with $60 from payments. i'm kind of bummed, but i also kinda knew it would happen, and it was a great party *shrugs*

i'll blob more later, but i'm off to a movie. nothin' like a lazy movie to nurse a hangover and the tequila vertigo

oh, btw, it's official.

i am the lead singer of a band called 'tequila vertigo'

we have a name. i pee'd my pants.

Cradle 2 the Grave awaits. a friend asked: 'is there any kind of movie that the adition of jet li DOESN'T improve the movie!?'

i vote no.